1. 1 Laree Kiely Ph.D. The Kiely Group Ph: 888-88-EIGHT laree@kielygroup.com laree@kielygroup.com Having a Healthy Dialogue in Difficult Situations

2. ©2009 KGi All rights reserved. 2 Laree Kiely Donna Wigand

3. 3 Learning Objectives: As a result of attending this workshop, you will: Learn a process for analyzing the situation before we ever open our mouths Know why some conversations are much more difficult than others Enhance transparency and trust Know how to proceed when we know we must ©2009 KGi All rights reserved.

4. My Dinner with Mike and Hamdi ©2009 KGi All rights reserved. 4

5. The Third Entity 1 3 2

6. ©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved. 6 Healthy Dialogue Think of an example of your own. A conversation you should be having but haven’t had it yet because it will be hard. Or even one you had recently that did not go well

7. All Available Data Sharing Realities: The Ladder of Inference 1. Our Observations 3. Our Conclusions 2. Our Interpretations At each step, there is an opportunity for our stories to diverge because: We notice different things Our conclusions reflect our self interest We are influenced by past experience

8. 8 It’s Not What You Intend, It’s What You Send George and Martha have been married for 5 years. At a recent event hosted by George’s company, George was looking around for his lost car keys and Martha said, laughingly, for all to hear, “George is the most disorganized person I know.” He gave her an angry look.

9. 9 It’s Not What You Intend, It’s What You Send. Attributing Motives: Later George angrily confronts Martha. “I’m really tired of your trying to belittle me in front of people.” To which Martha replied, “Belittle you? I was trying to make light of the situation so you wouldn’t be embarrassed.”

10. 10 The Errors George’s Error Martha’s Error Which one are you most often?

11. Who Has The Problem? Know what you want Take responsibility for what you want Take action

12. All Available Data Sharing Realities: The Ladder of Inference 1. Our Observations 3. Our Conclusions 2. Our Interpretations At each step, there is an opportunity for our stories to diverge because: We notice different things Our conclusions reflect our self interest We are influenced by past experience Abandon the need for blame and map the contributions

13. Prevention Empathy: A sense of “other” Ask: “What will they need?” Assertiveness: A sense of “self” Use the “NO” sandwich

14. ©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved. 14 Healthy Dialogue Think of an example of your own. A conversation you should be having but haven’t had it yet because it will be hard. Or even one you had recently that did not go well

15. ©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved. 15 Three Levels of Dialogue 1.The ”EVENT ITSELF” Level 2.The “EMOTIONAL” Level 3.The “SELF IMAGE” Level

16. ©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved. 16 My Contribution: What have I done (or failed to do) that got us to this point? Their Contribution: What have they done (or failed to do) that got us to this point? MAP THE CONTRIBUTION

17. ©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved. 17 Three Levels of Dialogue 1.The ”EVENT ITSELF” Level 2.The “EMOTIONAL” Level 3.The “SELF IMAGE” Level LABEL THE EMOTION/FEELING

18. I am going to call on you here!! ©2009 KGi All rights reserved. 18

19. ©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved. 19 Three Levels of Dialogue 1.The ”EVENT ITSELF” Level 2.The “EMOTIONAL” Level 3.The “SELF IMAGE” Level LABEL THE EMOTION/FEELING

20. Negative Feelings = The Tip Of The Iceberg 20

21. ©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved. 21 What about me: What do I fear this situation says about me? What part of this is possibly accurate? Other data I have about myself? What about them: What might the situation say about them that they might react to? How might I ease these fears?

22. This is Gnarly and Complex Stuff Because it’s not just about our relationship with the other person, it’s about our relationship with ourselves ©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved. 22

23. ©2007 The Kiely Group. All rights reserved. 23 Three Levels of Dialogue 1.The ”EVENT ITSELF” Level 2.The “EMOTIONAL” Level 3.The “SELF IMAGE” Level

24. Negative Feelings = The Tip Of The Iceberg 24 Likability Ethics Competence

25. 25 Mary gets a call late one afternoon from Tom, a friend and colleague in a time crunch. He needed a set of numbers run on a project they were both assigned to by early next morning. “Do the best you can,” he said. Mary was in the middle of another report her boss needed, but stayed late to do Tom’s numbers. The next day she picks up a voice mail from Tom saying, “Good grief, Mary. You got these numbers all wrong. I knew that was short notice, but the data is incomplete and many of the numbers are just plain wrong. I can’t hand this in. It’s a disaster. Give me a call as soon as you get in.” The Double-Click Method

26. 26 What Happens Next? Avoid the conversation (So we carry the baggage around and let it fester like a sliver) Have a damaging conversation (One that hurts the relationship even more) Have a healthy dialogue

27. How We Form Reality The Ladder of Inference –Argrys-- 1. Our Observations 3. Our Conclusions 2. Our Interpretations At each step, there is an opportunity for our stories to diverge because: ©2009 KGi All rights reserved. !!!Have the conversation at this level!!!

28. The Crucial Do and Don’t Do: Describe impact Don’t: Never attribute motives!!!! ©2009 KGi All rights reserved. 28

29. 29 The Listening L.A.W.S Remember: As the noise in your head goes up, your ability to listen effectively goes down L LIKE A ADD W WORRIED ABOUT S SOLUTION ©2009 KGi All rights reserved.

30. Thank You and H.I.T.A.K.I.T.!! --Laree and Donna and the Kiely Group-- ©2009 KGi All rights reserved. 30