2. Happiness is... Meaning Beyond Oneself Meaning Beyond Oneself Hope of Success Hope of Success Social Connection Social Connection Satisfying Work Satisfying Work Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

3. Have you ever wondered? How do you take care of it when a girl is annoying you but you don’t want to be mean? What if your best friend is being really mean to you and he won’t admit it? What if you have a friend who is making you choose between her and another friend? What is the point of telling someone you’re mad at them? They’ll just make more fun of you or get even madder. I’ve been trying to ignore this kid forever but he won’t stop bothering me. I want to tell an adult but I don’t want them to freak out.

4. Drama Vs. Bullying: Bullying:Bullying: when one person repeatedly abuses or threatens to abuse their power against another person Drama: Exciting, unexpected, emotional series of events. A conflict where both people are involved and can be serious or hurtful.Drama: Exciting, unexpected, emotional series of events. A conflict where both people are involved and can be serious or hurtful.

5. Listening! Be prepared to be changed by what you hear Be prepared to be changed by what you hear Affirm feelings: Affirm feelings: Don’t voice opinion about truth of story or ask barrage of questions Don’t voice opinion about truth of story or ask barrage of questions Ask if he’s venting or wants advice Ask if he’s venting or wants advice Don’t use her slang Don’t use her slang Share your own experiences Share your own experiences Don’t do something, just stand there Don’t do something, just stand there If you don’t know, admit it If you don’t know, admit it Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

6. Doesn't know how you feel Doesn't know how you feel - Or - “I was just joking.” “Relax!” “I was just joking.” “Relax!” Ignorant Teasing Feel liked Feel liked Don’t feel put down Don’t feel put down Will stop if asked Will stop if asked Teased for insecurities Teased for insecurities “Uptight” or threatened with ending the friendship “Uptight” or threatened with ending the friendship Relentless and public Relentless and public Good Teasing Malicious Teasing Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

7. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com Telling to get someone in trouble. The goal is to make the problem bigger and more public. Telling because the problem is too big to solve on your own. The goal is to right a wrong. Snitching Reporting vs.

8. STOP: Breathe, listen, and think when and where, now or later? STOP: Breathe, listen, and think when and where, now or later? EXPLAIN: What happened that you don’t like and what you want EXPLAIN: What happened that you don’t like and what you want AFFIRM: Affirm and acknowledge AFFIRM: Affirm and acknowledge LOCK: In the friendship, take a vacation or lock it out. LOCK: In the friendship, take a vacation or lock it out. SEAL Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

9. Stop: Hanging out after school Explain: When we hang out, you boss me around and put down my ideas. It makes me not want to be with you. What? Name one time! That’s totally not true! Affirm: Like when I want to do something you don’t want to do you make fun of it. And you don’t have to agree with me but that’s what I feel and you can’t disagree with that. Well how am I supposed to know any of this? You always say, “Whatever I don’t care.” Affirm: You’re right but I’m working on it. I’m trying right now. Why are you making such a big deal out of this? You’re being so weird! Lock: Because real friends tell each other what they’re thinking.

10. Stop: Claire thinks about where to confront Gabby. She knows they both usually get to school a little early. Stop: Claire thinks about where to confront Gabby. She knows they both usually get to school a little early. Explain: Gabby, we used to sit together all the time. But when the other girls are there, you say inside jokes and you roll your eyes whenever I say anything. If I eat with you I don’t want you to make me feel like you don’t want be there. Pushback: You’re the one who’s sitting with us! It’s not like anyone’s forcing you! Affirm/Acknowledge: “I realize I haven’t been giving you enough space and we don’t have to be friends like we used to. But you can’t keep me guessing about how you’re going to treat me every day. Affirm/Acknowledge: “I realize I haven’t been giving you enough space and we don’t have to be friends like we used to. But you can’t keep me guessing about how you’re going to treat me every day. Pushback: Fine! I’m sorry! Pushback: Fine! I’m sorry! Lock (vacation): I don’t want you to apologize if you don’t mean it. So I’m not going to sit with you for awhile. Lock (vacation): I don’t want you to apologize if you don’t mean it. So I’m not going to sit with you for awhile. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

11. Set up a time to talk. No email blasts to the teacher! Set up a time to talk. No email blasts to the teacher! Hi, Mr. Thompson. Thanks for meeting with me. I wanted to check in with you because Danny came home reporting that x. Is that accurate? WATCH AND LISTEN CAREFULLY WATCH AND LISTEN CAREFULLY I want Danny to understand your perspective but it’s important to me that you respect that Danny is not feeling comfortable in your class because of what’s happening in the class. In the next couple of days can we meet with Danny? My plan, is to stay in the background while you can talk to each other. Prepare Danny Using SEAL Prepare Danny Using SEAL Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

12. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com Fake Apologizer: Didn’t realize you were so sensitive! You: (Explain) The way you just apologized doesn’t seem like you mean it. If I’m wrong, tell me. Fake Apologizer: No dude, I totally mean it (tone is sarcastic). You: (Affirm) Look, I don’t want to make a big deal out of this. I just want you to say what you mean. Otherwise, don’t say it.

13. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com “Did you hear what everyone is saying about you?” Common responses: Disappear until graduationDisappear until graduation ReconnaissanceReconnaissance Devise evil plotDevise evil plot Say, “Whatever, it’s not worth it.” But really worry about it a lotSay, “Whatever, it’s not worth it.” But really worry about it a lot

14. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com STOP: What is the messenger’s motivation? Your answer : “Thanks for telling me. Please don’t talk about this with others.”STOP: What is the messenger’s motivation? Your answer : “Thanks for telling me. Please don’t talk about this with others.” To the person--Explain: “I hear that you’re talking X about me. I’m not asking you to tell me if that’s true. I’m asking that you stop if you are involved in any way. I know I can’t control what you do but I’m showing the respect to come to you face to face.”To the person--Explain: “I hear that you’re talking X about me. I’m not asking you to tell me if that’s true. I’m asking that you stop if you are involved in any way. I know I can’t control what you do but I’m showing the respect to come to you face to face.” Pushback: There’s nothing going on. I have no idea what you’re talking about.Pushback: There’s nothing going on. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Affirm/acknowledge: “If I did something that upset you I want to know. But if you’re mad at me, you have to tell me.”Affirm/acknowledge: “If I did something that upset you I want to know. But if you’re mad at me, you have to tell me.” Lock (if appropriate): “We used to be good friends. If you ever want to talk about this, I’m here.”Lock (if appropriate): “We used to be good friends. If you ever want to talk about this, I’m here.”

15. Maya: I want to talk to you about you taking my phone. Jordan: You know I was just kidding! Maya: Taking my phone without telling me and then sending those texts to Will really embarrassed me. Jordan: You’re making such a big deal out of this! If you did it to me, I wouldn’t care! I’d think it was funny! Maya: Well, you’re not me so you can’t tell me how I feel. Jordan: Fine, if you can’t take something so little as this, then we really don’t need to be friends. Maya: Friends have to be able to tell each other what they’re really thinking. Think about it and get back to me. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

16. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

17. Child as a bystander Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com “I’m sorry this is happening. Thanks for telling me because I know it can be hard to come forward about things like this and I really respect the fact that you did. Now let’s think about what we can do about it.” USE SEAL TO FRAME STRATEGY

18. Telling to get someone in trouble. The goal is to make the problem bigger and more public. Telling because the problem is too big to solve on your own. The goal is to right a wrong. Snitching Reporting vs. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

19. Mark : Forwarding those pictures of Michael was messed up. Andy : No it wasn’t! It was amazing! Mark: You know he was really mad. Andy : No I don’t! If he was so freaked out why didn’t he say anything? Mark : Because than you would make fun of him even more. Andy: I wouldn’t mind if he did it to me. And wait a minute, you laughed just as much as I did. Mark : I’m not proud of this but I laughed because I was nervous. All I’m asking is you lay off. Andy : Fine I’ll back off but you do realize how gay you’re being about this whole thing right? Mark: Right, I’m gay because I want you to stop making a kid miserable. Whatever. They go back to the game. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

20. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com Our Goal Become aware of behavior Become aware of behavior Self-reflect of behavior on others Self-reflect of behavior on others Honor the impact Honor the impact Make amends - personal and maybe public Make amends - personal and maybe public

21. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com Child’s Goal:

22. This is one moment not a lifetime.This is one moment not a lifetime. Don’t make excuses. Tell them you will talk to your child and get back to them.Don’t make excuses. Tell them you will talk to your child and get back to them. With paper, and no siblings around, “X was reported to me. Is this accurate? Is any of it accurate? If the person was sitting right here, what would they say-- even if you think it was wrong. ”With paper, and no siblings around, “X was reported to me. Is this accurate? Is any of it accurate? If the person was sitting right here, what would they say-- even if you think it was wrong. ” Define your expectations which include “If the life of the target gets more difficult as a result of this conversation, you will force me to take much more serious action.Define your expectations which include “If the life of the target gets more difficult as a result of this conversation, you will force me to take much more serious action. What if your child is the bully?

25. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

26. Video Games Rules Rule: Because I lose track of time when playing, I realize I’m unable to accurately gauge how long I’ve played. Therefore, I won’t respond to a parent when they tell me time’s up with, Pushback: What!? But I’ve only been on for a few minutes! I’m about to get to the next level! Let me just throw myself off this cliff! It’ll only take one minute! I promise! Rule: I’ll pause the game within one minute after being told my time is up. If I don’t comply, I understand that my parent will turn off the screen so that any unsaved progress I lose will be because of my actions, not because my mom turned off the screen. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

27. Rule: When I play any game with other people, the family values apply. Therefore, I can’t use homophobic, racist, and sexist terms when communicating with other players. If other players do, I will immediately tell them to stop, leave the game, complain to the server or find another group. Rule: I won’t buy videos or apps without my parents’ explicit permission. If I violate this rule, I understand that I’ll be forbidden to play for the next week without exception and the amount of the charge will be deducted from my savings account or allowance. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

28. Playing Time Rule: I’m not allowed to play during the school week unless I’m waiting for something. During weekends: I may play up to 90 minutes per day. Rule: The weekend is hereby defined as Friday (after school) through Sunday night. If by Saturday night homework/studying/projects for the upcoming week has not progressed satisfactorily, all gaming rights for Sunday will be put on hold. Rule: On weekend mornings, I’ll take care of my responsibilities before playing. I’ll brush my teeth, go to the bathroom, put on some form of clothes, eat, and make sure all pets are given the same care. Violation of these rules will result in automatic suspension of play until the next day. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

29. Email : rosalind@rosalindwiseman.com rosalind@rosalindwiseman.com Web : rosalindwiseman.com Facebook : Search “Rosalind Wiseman” and join my Page Twitter : rosalindwiseman Want to Reach Me? Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com