1. Chapter 5 Loving Ourselves and Others

2. Chapter Outline  Personal Ties in an Impersonal Society  What is Love?  Two Things Love Isn’t  Self-Esteem as a Prerequisite to Loving  Love as Discovery

3. What Is Love?  Love is a deep and vital emotion.  Love satisfies legitimate personal needs.  Love involves caring and acceptance.

4. Triangle Theory of Love Three components of love: 1. Intimacy - close, connected feelings. 2. Passion - drives that lead to romance, physical attraction and sexual consummation. 3. Commitment -the decision to love someone and to maintain that love.

5. Triangle Theory of Love Three components develop at different times:  Passion is quickest to develop and quickest to fade.  Intimacy develops more slowly.  Commitment develops gradually.

6. The Three Components of Love: Triangular Theory

7. Six Love Styles 1. Eros 2. Storge 3. Pragma 4. Agape 5. Ludus 6. Mania

8. Love Isn’t Martyring Martyrs may:  Be reluctant to suggest what they want.  Allow others to be constantly late and never protest.  Help loved ones develop talents while neglecting their own.  Be sensitive to others’ feelings and hide their own.

9. Love Isn’t Manipulation Manipulators may:  Ask others to do something that they could do.  Assume that others will happily do whatever they choose.  Be consistently late.  Want others to help them develop their talents but seldom think of reciprocating.

10. Six Pillars of Self-esteem 1. The practice of living consciously. 2. The practice of self-acceptance. 3. The practice of self-responsibility. 4. The practice of self-assertiveness. 5. The practice of living purposefully. 6. The practice of personal integrity.

11. Self-Esteem and Personal Relationships People with low self-esteem  Experience a persistent need for affection.  Are on the alert for criticism and remember it for a long time afterward.  Often miss cues that other people are interested.  Are prepared for rejection.

12. Three Basic Styles of Attachment  Secure - Trust that the relationship will provide necessary and ongoing support.  Insecure/anxious - Concern that the beloved will disappear, a “fear of abandonment”.  Avoidant - Evades relationships or establishes distance in intimate situations.

13. Wheel Theory of Love Four stages of love  Rapport - rests on mutual trust and respect  Self-revelation - sharing intimate information  Mutual dependency - developing interdependence  Personality need fulfillment - developing emotional exchange and support

14. Reiss’s Wheel Theory of the Development of Love

15. Misconceptions That Limit Our Ability to Maintain Love 1. Infatuation equals love; chemistry is all that matters. 2. If it isn’t perfect, it wasn’t meant to be. 3. You can’t rekindle passion; once love dies, you can never get it back. 4. There is one true soul mate for everyone; if you meet the right person, you will live happily ever after.

16. Misconceptions That Limit Our Ability to Maintain Love 5. Love conquers all; if a relationship is tough, it means you have the wrong partner. 6. Love is a static state; once you fall in love, you get on a high and stay there forever. 7. Love is a feeling, and you either have it or you don’t.

17. Quick Quiz

18. 1. The text defines love as a a) primarily sexual phenomenon. b) deep and vital emotion that satisfies certain needs. c) relationship that may or may not be intimate. d) all of the above

19. Answer: b  The text defines love as a deep and vital emotion that satisfies certain needs.

20. 2. __________ may ask others to do things for them that they could do for themselves, and generally expect to be waited on. a) Martyrs b) Narcissists c) Manipulators d) Ludic lovers

21. Answer: c  Manipulators may ask others to do things for them that they could do for themselves, and generally expect to be waited on.

22. 3. A(n) __________ attachment style would likely be evidenced in partners engaged in an A-frame or dependent relationship. a) secure b) insecure/anxious c) avoidant d) intimate

23. Answer: b  An insecure/anxious attachment style would likely be evidenced in partners engaged in an A-frame or dependent relationship.

24. 4. “Rapport,” “self-revelation,” “mutual dependency,” and “personality need fulfillment” are the four stages in Ira Reiss’s __________ theory of love. a) triangular b) love-style c) framework d) wheel

25. Answer: d  Rapport,” “self-revelation,” “mutual dependency,” and “personality need fulfillment” are the four stages in Ira Reiss’s wheel theory of love.

26. 5. The wheel theory of love suggests that once people fall in love, they a) will stay in love. b) may not necessarily stay in love. c) will inevitably “fall out of love.” d) will eventually experience a reduction in love.

27. Answer: b  The wheel theory of love suggests that once people fall in love, they may not necessarily stay in love.