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Published byKyra Hueston Modified over 10 years ago
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Wisdom according to Geo Carlin
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Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila,
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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Atheism is a
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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The main reason Santa is so jolly
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The main reason Santa is so jolly he knows where all the bad girls live.
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self—help section?”
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self—help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose
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Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are not going as ghosts
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but as mattresses?
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If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and his wife isn’t around to hear him...
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If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and his wife isn’t around to hear him... is he still wrong?
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?
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Is there another word for synonym?
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Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
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practice?
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Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
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One nice thing about egotists:
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they don’t talk about other people.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an Endangered plant?
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If a parsley farmer is sued,
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can they garnish his wages?
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Would a fly without wings
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
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Are they afraid someone will clean them?
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If a turtle doesn’t have a shell,
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is he homeless or naked?
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Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
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If the police arrest a mime,
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If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
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How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns
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because they taste funny?
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What was the best thing before sliced bread?
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One nice thing about egotists:
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they don’t talk about other people.
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Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
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How is it possible to have a civil war?
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If one synchronized swimmer were to drown
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do the rest have to drown also?
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If you ate pasta and antipasta,
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If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
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If you try to fail, and succeed,
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp”
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to have a “sp” in it?
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Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids”
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Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
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Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
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Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
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