1. Setting Limits with Children

2. Setting Limits All children need limits set All children need limits set They all need guidance and boundaries They all need guidance and boundaries Limits can provide security and structure if done in a supportive manner Limits can provide security and structure if done in a supportive manner The goal is to help children develop internal judgment so they can guide themselves The goal is to help children develop internal judgment so they can guide themselves At a later age you don’t have to be setting external restraints or external limits At a later age you don’t have to be setting external restraints or external limits Help children become thinkers so, if necessary, they can challenge rules later in life when they disagree Help children become thinkers so, if necessary, they can challenge rules later in life when they disagree

3. Setting Limits Help Us Manage a child’s experimentation Manage a child’s experimentation They need to explore within boundaries – whether it’s a two-year-old or a four-year-old or a six-year-old They need to explore within boundaries – whether it’s a two-year-old or a four-year-old or a six-year-old Deal with an immediate situation such as a tantrum when a child does not get the snack they wanted Deal with an immediate situation such as a tantrum when a child does not get the snack they wanted

4. Goals in Setting Limits Create a sense of self Create a sense of self If every need is expected to be met or if all you experience are just punitive actions with hitting and spanking and isolation, this is going to affect your self-image – how you view yourself – and it’s going to affect the very definition of boundaries and of having a clear sense of where I end and someone else begins. If every need is expected to be met or if all you experience are just punitive actions with hitting and spanking and isolation, this is going to affect your self-image – how you view yourself – and it’s going to affect the very definition of boundaries and of having a clear sense of where I end and someone else begins.

5. Goals in Setting Limits Create a sense of self - Understand other people’s perspective (Theory of Mind) Create a sense of self - Understand other people’s perspective (Theory of Mind) The child whose expectations are never confronted with limits doesn’t develop a separation of where he ends and the rest of the world begins. This child expects the world to be part of him. Mom and Dad don’t have needs; only he has needs The child whose expectations are never confronted with limits doesn’t develop a separation of where he ends and the rest of the world begins. This child expects the world to be part of him. Mom and Dad don’t have needs; only he has needs

6. Goals in Setting Limits Create a sense of self Create a sense of self Through back-and-forth interactions where the child is constantly experimenting with the “me,” the “I,” the “self,” doing things to the other and getting feedback and getting reactions (including limits) Through back-and-forth interactions where the child is constantly experimenting with the “me,” the “I,” the “self,” doing things to the other and getting feedback and getting reactions (including limits)

7. When no limits are set! Can lead to fears and anxieties (a lack of security). Can lead to fears and anxieties (a lack of security). The lack of a response and a lack of limits may leave a child to be scared of anger and scared that anger can be too destructive because there’s no feedback early in life. The lack of a response and a lack of limits may leave a child to be scared of anger and scared that anger can be too destructive because there’s no feedback early in life.

8. Too many or harsh Limits If the feedback is overly punitive it can lead to a child who’s too scared to be assertive and his sense of an assertive sense of self is compromised If the feedback is overly punitive it can lead to a child who’s too scared to be assertive and his sense of an assertive sense of self is compromised If the feedback is overly aggressive, verbally or physically, it will increase the child’s aggressive behavior If the feedback is overly aggressive, verbally or physically, it will increase the child’s aggressive behavior

9. Earn the right! Give more to Expect more! Give more to Expect more! Discipline and setting limits are something you earn the right to have. Discipline and setting limits are something you earn the right to have. You earn that right by providing enough nurturance, love, compassion, and Floortime! You earn that right by providing enough nurturance, love, compassion, and Floortime! Floortime: Following your child’s lead allows them to really feel you’re part of their universe, part of their life making them more responsive to your limits Floortime: Following your child’s lead allows them to really feel you’re part of their universe, part of their life making them more responsive to your limits The child needs to feel secure and confident that you’re there, that you’re in their corner to learn from your limits The child needs to feel secure and confident that you’re there, that you’re in their corner to learn from your limits

10. Earn the right! Children, when feeling secure, want your respect! Children, when feeling secure, want your respect! This happens early as they come to understand the difference between an admiring, approving look and a negative look. This happens early as they come to understand the difference between an admiring, approving look and a negative look. Occurs between 12 and 24 months of life; it’s not something you have to wait to have until the child is four years old. Occurs between 12 and 24 months of life; it’s not something you have to wait to have until the child is four years old.

11. Establish a Positive Relationship Have Fun! Have Fun! Show interest and enthusiasm in child’s interests Show interest and enthusiasm in child’s interests Listen, don’t judge or lecture Listen, don’t judge or lecture Sympathize and Empathize Sympathize and Empathize

12. Every Child is Unique Discipline has to be tailored to the child’s personality, to their emotional and sensory profile Most children are sensitive Be the “Gentile Giant”!

13. Sensitive Child Emotional Emotional Quick to upset, 0-60, fussy and finicky Quick to upset, 0-60, fussy and finicky Small emotional situations have a big impact, both good and bad. Small emotional situations have a big impact, both good and bad. Sensory Sensory Oversensitive in most or all sensory systems; touch, sight, sound, and sometimes movement Oversensitive in most or all sensory systems; touch, sight, sound, and sometimes movement

14. Sensitive Child Method needs to be very gentle, persistent, but firm Method needs to be very gentle, persistent, but firm You don’t want to throw fuel on the fire when the child’s already scared by being loud and too tough. You don’t want to throw fuel on the fire when the child’s already scared by being loud and too tough.

15. Active/Aggressive Child Emotional Emotional Angry and aggressive feelings Angry and aggressive feelings Some are frustrated and highly sensitive in some areas Some are frustrated and highly sensitive in some areas Others are craving lots of input Others are craving lots of input Sensory Sensory Underreactive to many sensory inputs, and actively seek them out, especially proprioceptive Underreactive to many sensory inputs, and actively seek them out, especially proprioceptive May get revved up by getting too much of these inputs May get revved up by getting too much of these inputs May have one area of overreactivity, like visual May have one area of overreactivity, like visual

16. Active Child You have to be providing alternative ways for the child to be able to use all that energy, all that need for movement You have to be providing alternative ways for the child to be able to use all that energy, all that need for movement You have to have lots of constructive ways to meet their sensory craving needs (positive emotional experience) You have to have lots of constructive ways to meet their sensory craving needs (positive emotional experience) Be there as part of the child’s life and you have to be firmer and sometimes more persistent for longer periods of time until the child gets the idea Be there as part of the child’s life and you have to be firmer and sometimes more persistent for longer periods of time until the child gets the idea

17. Self Involved Child Emotional Emotional Easy going, quiet, passive Easy going, quiet, passive May be thinking about own creative fantasies May be thinking about own creative fantasies Less social and more introverted Less social and more introverted Sensory Sensory Under reactive in most or all sensory systems; touch, sight, sound, and sometimes movement Under reactive in most or all sensory systems; touch, sight, sound, and sometimes movement May crave more of these inputs if provided, especially tactile, vestibular, and proprioceptive May crave more of these inputs if provided, especially tactile, vestibular, and proprioceptive

18. Self Involved Child Use affect to get the point across Use affect to get the point across Child may need some movement and sensory input in order to regulate and understand the limits that are being set Child may need some movement and sensory input in order to regulate and understand the limits that are being set

19. Defiant Child Emotional Emotional Stubborn, negative, controlling Stubborn, negative, controlling Transitional problems Transitional problems Rigid and clever Rigid and clever Sensory Sensory Oversensitive in most or all sensory systems; touch, sight, sound, and sometimes movement Oversensitive in most or all sensory systems; touch, sight, sound, and sometimes movement Relatively stronger visual, but weaker auditory processing compared to the sensitive child Relatively stronger visual, but weaker auditory processing compared to the sensitive child

20. Defiant Make sure you are not overwhelming child Make sure you are not overwhelming child May try using more visuals to help the child understand their limits May try using more visuals to help the child understand their limits Transition may further escalate the child Transition may further escalate the child

21. Non-Verbal Child Need to calm and regulate when upset Need to calm and regulate when upset Does not understand logic if working at few first milestones. Punishments are pointless! Does not understand logic if working at few first milestones. Punishments are pointless! Think of disciplining an 8 month old Think of disciplining an 8 month old Once child can stay in continuous flow they can understand patterns of gestures Once child can stay in continuous flow they can understand patterns of gestures Respond to a frown or shaking of the head Respond to a frown or shaking of the head

22. Educate Child if Verbal You want to always educate the child You want to always educate the child Reason for the discipline and make sure those conversations are two-way conversations, where the child gives his point of view and you can give your point of view Reason for the discipline and make sure those conversations are two-way conversations, where the child gives his point of view and you can give your point of view

23. What to do Always calm and soothe and help the child calm down first Always calm and soothe and help the child calm down first Don’t discipline him in the middle of a tantrum Don’t discipline him in the middle of a tantrum Discuss a little bit what just happened and then if the child has crossed the line and you feel discipline is in order, administer the discipline Discuss a little bit what just happened and then if the child has crossed the line and you feel discipline is in order, administer the discipline

24. What to do Tough love approach is an extreme Tough love approach is an extreme Notion that adults are entitled to get their children’s respect and love and admiration Notion that adults are entitled to get their children’s respect and love and admiration The children often harbor resentment and it affects their personalities The children often harbor resentment and it affects their personalities Avoid isolation or rejection. Avoid isolation or rejection. A child who needs more discipline often is already feeling rejected and resentful and angry. A child who needs more discipline often is already feeling rejected and resentful and angry.

25. What to do – Long Term Help the child move forward in development (up the milestones) Help the child move forward in development (up the milestones) Improve their motor planning and processing Improve their motor planning and processing Improving their language skills or improving their interactive skills gives the child more and more incentive to behave, and more and more tools to use to express themselves Improving their language skills or improving their interactive skills gives the child more and more incentive to behave, and more and more tools to use to express themselves

26. Always Remember Be Consistent and be Persistent (rather than punitive) Be Consistent and be Persistent (rather than punitive) Use understanding with persistence and firmness. Use understanding with persistence and firmness. Be proportionate: Always modulate punishment to the crime Be proportionate: Always modulate punishment to the crime When you feel you’re losing it, because you’re only human, take a time out to relax, take a deep breath When you feel you’re losing it, because you’re only human, take a time out to relax, take a deep breath Use pretend play or reality based conversations to work through stressful situations Use pretend play or reality based conversations to work through stressful situations