1. Communication
And
Family Conflict

2. Conflict conflict: “expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties, who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.” ( Hocker & wilmot, 1998)
Conflict happens when family members have different views or beliefs that they don’t agree on. Sometimes conflict can occur when people misunderstand each other and jump to the wrong conclusion. Issues of conflict that are not resolved peacefully can eventually lead to arguments and resentments.
It is normal to disagree with each other from time to time. Occasional conflict is a part of a families life. However, ongoing conflict can be stressful and damaging to relationships. Some people find it difficult to manage their feelings and become intentionally hurtful, aggressive or even violent.

3. Conflict styles
Everybody has a different way of dealing with conflict. Your way of dealing with conflict may even differ with who you are in a conflict with or even what the conflict is about. Kilmann and Thomas created a model to show the different styles of conflict.
They showed that there are styles of conflict that contain BOTH assertiveness (concern for self) and cooperativeness ( concern for others). The five styles are: competition, collaboration, compromise, avoiding, and accommodation. During different conflicts people may go back and forth between the different styles.
There is a little test to see what style you may tend to use in conflicts:
hhtp://academic.engr.arizona.edu/vjohnson/ConflictManagementQuestionnaire/ConflictManagementQuestionnaire.asp

4. Kilmann and Thomas Conflict Model
ASSERTIVENESS
COOPERATION
high
low
Competition
Going after what you want
Concern for self
I win, you lose attitude
Accommodation
Meet the needs of other person but
deny your own needs
Unassertive but cooperative
Compromise
Meets the needs of everyone
involved
Avoiding
Conflict not addressed
Unassertive and uncooperative
Collaboration
Concern for others as well as
self
Often find alternative solution
Win /win attitudes
Kilmann and Thomas Conflict Model

5. Common Causes of Conflict
New job
Losing job
Marriage/learning to live as a couple
Change in financial circumstances
Birth of a child (for parents or siblings)
Divorce/Separation
Getting sick/medical issues (self or family/friend)
Moving
Death of a loved one

6. Types of Destructive Conflict
Covert
Overt
Feelings are hidden
Messages are unclear
Uses five communication strategies:
Denial (ex: deny deeper meanings of hurt “No problem” or “I am fine” )
Disqualification (ex: cover up emotion “I wouldn’t have gotten upset except…”)
Displacement (ex: anger is directed at inappropriate person)
Disengagement (ex: avoid each other, express hostility through lack of interaction)
Pseudomutuality (ex: image of perfect family displayed to others , never allowed to show that something is wrong)
Hostile verbal aggression
Physical aggression
Can lead to violence
Threats about being punished now or later
Physically combative families can become used to it if it happens often enough
Lessens family harmony
Is tied to power, influence, and decision making

7. Conflict Resolution
A very important part of conflict resolution is LISTENING! Some common suggestions for conflict resolution are:
Listen to what the other person is saying
Don’t interrupt the other person
Check that you understand the other
person by summarizing or asking questions
Put emotions aside
Try to stay calm
Do not bring up past issues
Be willing to compromise

8. Conflict Resolution Continued
Respect the other person’s point of view
Communicate your side of issue clearly and honestly
Try to find points of common ground
Separate the problem from the person
Fight fairly
Remember, the other person does NOT always have to agree with
you, or vice versa, you with them. Also the point is to resolve the
conflict, NOT win the argument! And once the solution is decided on,
STICK TO IT!

9. Possible Resources If Conflict Remains Unresolved
Friends
Family
Your doctor
Other parents
Family Counselor
Cops ( if conflict becomes violent)

10. Conclusion
Conflict is inevitable in families but it does not always mean that the conflict can not be positive, because it can be positive. Families will always have issues that cause conflict but if that conflict is managed constructively the family can grow stronger. Not everybody handles conflict the same way so families need to realize that and listen to each other, be willing to compromise, talk to each other, respect each other, and fight fairly. “…how effectively families communicate, at times of peace and pressure, ultimately makes the difference in the strength and longevity of our families and relationships.” (Bryce, 2009)

12. Reference List
Bryce, N. (2009,March 04). How to Improve Communication and Reduce Conflict in Your Family. Enzine Articles Online. Retrieved from Galvin, K. M., Bylund, C. L., & Brommel, B. J. (2008) Family Communication Cohesion and Change. (7th ed.). Boston: Pearson Education, Inc. Sharland, A. (2011, March 23). Promoting Mindful Communication: Growth through Conflict. Retrieved from Victorian (Australian) State Government. (2009, October). Family conflict- how to cope. Retrieved from Better Health Channel Online.