1. How Do you operate in conflict?
DFW NIGP Professional Development Day
October 10, 2013
Presented By:
Nicole C. Mucha, MA, CPSM

2. Understand how YOU Operate in Conflict
Training Objectives
Understand how YOU Operate in Conflict
Conflict Myths, Misconceptions and Truth
Identify 5 Styles of Managing Conflict
Uncover Your Style
Recognize Others
Tailor Your Approach to Any Conflict Situation
Dealing with Difficult People
Use the CALM Method
“Every conflict we face in life is rich with positive and negative potential. It can be a source of inspiration, enlightenment, learning, transformation, and growth–or rage, fear, shame, entrapment, and resistance. The choice is not up to our opponents, but to us, and our willingness to face and work through them.”
– Kenneth Cloke and Joan Goldsmith
A large part of understanding how to deal with any difficult situation, is understanding how we operate within conflict.
Many of you have seen the 5 styles of managing conflict, but it is critical to understand so we are going to dive deeper into this today and practice with different scenarios.

3. 2 Basic Needs of all Human Beings
Conflict Myths, Misconceptions and Truth
Myths & Misconceptions
It is always bad
Someone is always wrong, and you’re always right
Conflict will resolve itself over time
People always know when they are part of a conflict
It only affects the 2 parties involved
It happens because of a stubborn or uncaring attitude
Truth
Conflict can be a good thing!
Can produce creative results/solutions
Conflict is rarely easy
Myths:
It is always bad
Some people consider conflict harmful. They feel it should be corrected or suppressed quickly.
This is not true! Conflicts can be productive if properly managed. Most managers now take the view that conflict should be encouraged as debate and questioning will ultimately result in increased creativity and better decision making.
Someone is always wrong, and you’re always right
We are all unique individuals. We have different educational backgrounds, work histories, skills, abilities, and personalities.
Our situations are different. Everyone experiences life differently, so you naturally adapt it to your needs. We see through our own lens.
Conflict will resolve itself over time
How many of you believe that conflict just goes away and the old issues never come up again? Yeah, right! If it is not resolved, it could always be something that lingers.
People always know when they are part of a conflict
Sometimes people know someone is mad at them, but have no idea why or even that someone might be mad at them. How many of you have experienced this?
It only affects the 2 parties involved
That is not true. It can be widespread and devastating.
It happens because of a stubborn or uncaring attitude
Truths:
Conflict can be a good thing!
Conflict is natural and unavoidable / we ALL experience it. The ability to manage it is a key skill everyone should practice.
To be positive, conflict must:
Be actively managed to produce the desired results
Support the group goals
Avoid non-productive debates that hinder performance.
Focus conflict around ideas not personalities.
Can produce creative results/solutions
Conflict is not easy – you will have to work at it.
2 Basic Needs of all Human Beings
To be self expressed
To be heard – Which means the other person actually understood what you were saying…
2 Basic Needs of all Human Beings
 To be self expressed
 To be heard

4. Are you a… ? Conflict Shark Owl Fox Turtle Teddy Bear
Again, part of understanding how to deal with any difficult situation, is understanding how we operate within conflict. When it comes to conflict, are you a…?
Let’s take the Quiz and find out… 3 to 4mins.
Again, some of you may be familiar with this, but we are going to dive into it a little deeper…
Fox
Turtle
Teddy Bear

5. 5 Styles of Managing Conflict
Competing
Win-Lose
Collaborating
Win-Win-Win
Goals
Notice the goals versus the relationship – this is called the balance of competing interests… explain the grid…
Not one style is right or better than the others, it all depends on the situation and parties involved.
How you naturally tend to deal with conflict falls within of the grids.
As we go along, note that each of these styles are appropriate at certain times:
- Competing - Collaborating - Compromising - Avoiding - Accommodating
Compromising
Win-Win
Avoiding
Lose-Lose
Accommodating
Lose-Win
Relationship

6. 5 Styles of Managing Conflict
Competing Style (the Shark)
A competitive style means that a person is putting his/her interests before anyone else’s interests.
Competing
Win-Lose
Best Times to Use This Style:
When the other will be very competitive.
When important others expect you to compete.
When the stakes are high.
Goals
Read the slide
Competing style is used when one side in the conflict is taken at the expense of the other; which creates a winner and a loser. Often used when there are time sensitivities or when the ongoing relationship is not important. Results are win-lose. A great example is car buying negotiations – relationship not important as you want to get the best deal possible. You would not want to use this with a vendor you are working with to resolve an issue…
Relationship

7. 5 Styles of Managing Conflict
Collaborating Style (the Owl)
A collaborative conflict style enables people to work together so everyone can win. Using this style, people try to find a solution that will help everyone meet their interests and help everyone maintain a good relationship.
Collaborating
Win-Win-Win
Best Times to Use This Style:
When the issue is complex and requires creativity.
When there is a long-term relationship.
When their implementation of the decision is necessary.
Goals
Read the slide
Collaborating style occurs when conflicting parties approach the conflict as a mutual problem and work to find a resolution which both parties can agree on. Creates a win-win situation and dispels the “zero sum” myth, which believes there can be a great solution for everyone. Example would be working through a contractual problem your agency has with a long term vendor relationship and goals are both important.
Relationship

8. 5 Styles of Managing Conflict
Accommodating Style (the Teddy Bear)
The accommodating style requires someone to put their interests last and let others have what they want. Many times people believe that keeping a good relationship is more important than anything else.
Best Times to Use This Style:
When the issue is trivial to you.
When harmony in the relationship is all-important.
When you are the low power party in a serious power imbalance.
When you want to build trust in the other by demonstrating a protection of their interests.
Goals
Read the slide
Accommodating sometimes means giving the other party what they want. Typically used where the issue is not important to the organization but it is important to the individual or where it is critical to maintain a good relationship with the individual. Ex. Dinner w family.
Accommodating
Lose-Win
Relationship

9. 5 Styles of Managing Conflict
Avoiding Style (the Turtle)
The avoiding style is used when someone does not get involved in a conflict. A person choosing the avoiding style might say “you decide and leave me out of it.”
Best Times to Use This Style:
When the issue is trivial to you.
When there is no long-term relationship.
Goals
Read the slide
Use this style when the issue is unimportant and neither party feels strongly about the conflict. You are hoping that the issue will resolve itself or fade away. Often you may avoid because you do not have time to engage or because you are dealing with a higher priority issue. It is a passive approach which does not result in agreement.
Avoiding
Lose-Lose
Relationship

10. 5 Styles of Managing Conflict
Compromising Style (the Fox)
A compromising style is important when someone wants to satisfy some of their interests, but not all of them. People who compromise are likely to say, “let’s split the difference” or “something is better than nothing.”
Best Times To Use This Style:
When the other will be very competitive.
When important others expect you to compete.
When the stakes are high.
Best Times to Use This Style:
When there are truly finite resources.
When there are no means to increase the divisible resources.
Competing
Win-Lose
Read the slide
Both sides give up something. There is no clear winner but both sides save face. It is really a lose – lose situation in that no one gets what they want. You take the pie and split it in half.
Compromising
Win-Win
Goals
Relationship

11. Let’s Practice
Examples 1-5 Read, get answers. (Ask if people want to read each example)
Exercise: Adjusting your Conflict Style
Some common conflicts include:
Disputes between an organization and board of directors
Idea-based conflicts between employees
Personality-based conflicts between employees
Family Conflicts
Community Conflicts (noise).
SO, who wants to give some examples of what they spoke about…..discussion

12. Dealing with difficult people can be.. difficult!
So we’ve all been there, dealing with the person who’s never happy, hyper-critical or never satisfied and if we’re honest, we’ve been that difficult person ourselves once or twice too. Let’s discuss this briefly (in your small groups?) Discussion (if have time).

13. Dealing with Difficult People
Make sure YOU’re not the difficult person
Do a little self-reflection, check your role in the conflict
Make sure your need to be heard & self-expression is manifesting itself in a positive way
Take a “time out” if need be
Keep it Respectful
Don’t meet difficult behavior with difficult behavior
Avoid “you”, “always” and “never” statements
Try the CALM Model
Clarify the issue
Address the problem
Listen to the other side
Manage your way to resolution
So how do you effectively deal with difficult people?
First thing to do:
1 – Make sure YOU’re not the difficult person
 Do a little self-reflection, make sure you are not the instigator and check your role in the conflict.
 Make sure your need to be heard & self-expression is manifesting itself in a positive way to move the conflict forward
(not be a stumbling block or instigator).
Take a “time out” if need be
Time out and regroup if you need.
2 – Keep it Respectful
 Don’t meet difficult behavior with difficult behavior
 Avoid “you” statements – they tend to make people tense and defensive (ex. “You did something that really bothers me.”)
Instead, use a non-accusatory opening that ask for the other person’s cooperation (ex “I need your help to solve a problem I’m facing.”)
 Try the CALM Model
Clarify the issue
Address the problem
Listen to the other side
Manage your way to resolution

14. Dealing with Difficult People - CALM
CLARIFY the Issue
Define and understand the issue you are dealing with
Dissect the Conflict – move it from your heart to your head by answering these clarifying questions:
What am I upset about? ● What exactly am I feeling and why? ● How may I have contributed to the problem? ● Am I overreacting? ● What will successful resolution look like? ● How would I want to be approached about the conflict?
ADDRESS the Problem
Don’t ignore the person or the issue.
Instead, attack the problem.. not the person, use a non-accusatory opening that ask for the other person’s cooperation (i.e. “I need your help to solve a problem I’m facing.”)
When discussing – describe in specific, factual, and non-accusatory terms
LISTEN to the Other Side
Give your total attention
Acknowledge that you are listening (“Okay, “I see, “I understand,” etc.)
NEVER interrupt
Ask questions and seek clarification in a non-threatening way:
“I’m not sure I really understand. Could you go over that again?”
Paraphrase / Summarize:
“Jason, let me make sure I understand. You’re saying that….Is this correct?”
Concentrate on the words and behaviors of the person you are speaking with in order to understand where he/she is coming from and why the person feels the way they do. Once you have that knowledge, you should be in a better position to resolve differences and work together more productively.
MANAGE your way to a Resolution
Gain agreement that a problem exists.
Identify each other’s concerns and needs.
Explore possible win-win solutions.
Agree on a course of action.
Determine how missteps will be handled.
Closing on a positive note.
Role Play: Work Schedule Conflict
So let’s look at the CALM model a little deeper.
CLARIFY the Issue
READ SLIDE
ADDRESS the Problem
Describe the Issue – describe in specific, factual, and non-accusatory terms:
 Exactly what happened. How what happened made you feel. How it has negatively affected you and your work, and others and their work.
LISTEN to the other Side
MANAGE your way to a resolution
Role Play: Work Schedule Conflict
Read rules (if time permits)

15. In Summary Conflict Management
Conflict can be a good thing and when handled appropriately can lead to healthy interactions with creative solutions.
Dealing with difficult people is inevitable. Understanding your own style of conflict helps.
5 Styles of Conflict Management
Accommodating Style (the Teddy Bear)
Avoiding Style (the Turtle)
Collaborating Style (the Owl)
Competing Style (the Shark)
Compromising Style (the Fox)
Each style is appropriate in certain situations.
Each style is a balance of competing interests: the Goals vs. Relationships
When dealing with difficult people, make sure the difficult person is not YOU.
Try to remain CALM when dealing with difficult people:
Clarify the issue
Address the problem
Listen to the other side
Manage your way to resolution
In an environment of change, where it often feels as though we don’t have any control – we have the opportunity to positively impact those around us through our everyday interactions.
“The test of a successful person is not an ability to eliminate all problems before they arise, but to meet and work out difficulties when they do arise.”
– David J. Schwartz
Summarize