1. Communication:  extremely important. Most problems involve communication failure Patterns of Interaction:  constructive vs. destructive  constructive interaction strengthens human bonds and enhances self- esteem  Intimacy entails mutual self- disclosure. Need for truthfulness, leads to trust. Trust strengthens intimacy.

2. ◦ Communication in Sex:  private vs. public talk ◦ Importance of non-verbal communication (90%) ◦ Intent:  what you mean to say ◦ Impact:  what the other hears ◦ Need for frequent clarification of both

3. 1. Message sent vs. Message Received Check! “I am hearing... XXX” 2.Gender Differences Problem solving vs. empathy & concern

4. SEXUAL COMMUNICATION  Good sexual communication enhances sexual satisfaction in intimate relationships.  It also reduces unsafe sexual practices, reducing the risks. Sexual self-disclosure is an important factor, and usually includes: ◦ sexual likes and dislikes, what turns you on or off ◦ sexual needs and desires ◦ sexual fears and concerns ◦ discussion of STIs ◦ past positive and negative sexual experiences ◦ personal sexual values and morals ◦ personal conditions for a sexual relationship

5. What are the barriers?  lack of information (this course might help)  insecurity about vocabulary (e.g. clinical terms feel too impersonal and stuffy, street slang feels too crude or shocking)  embarrassment  sexual taboos (upbringing, social milieu)  fear of being judged  fear of rejection difficult to overcome if there is no trust, which builds gradually

6. The four pitfalls in communication:  criticism  contempt  stonewalling/withdrawal  defensiveness  Criticism: ◦ it's legitimate to have a complaint (e.g. I need longer foreplay) but not a personal attack (e.g. you never do what I need)

7.  Contempt: ◦ disrespect and hostility toward partner, usually as a result of unmet needs and lack of communication e.g. you know he doesn’t like the taste of smoke, you are a smoker, and you have a smoke just before love- making.  Defensiveness: ◦ reaction to perceived criticism, denial of responsibility e.g. blaming someone or something else for your negative actions, replying with a complaint of your own that is unrelated to the event, denial of wrongdoing, accusations of being unfairly persecuted, etc. etc.  Stonewalling: ◦ stop engaging altogether, refusing to talk, getting busy with something else, walking out of the room, focusing on the computer or TV and ignoring you.

8.  In general ◦ Men tend to use language for information, status and one-upmanship ◦ Women tend to use language to get close, for intimacy, sharing, rapport ◦ Ambiguous vs. non-ambiguous messages ◦ Misinterpretation of sex signals

9.  Constructive Patterns ◦ Active Listening:  attentive body language, appropriate facial expressions, asking questions, making brief comments ◦ Paraphrasing, showing true understanding of the message:  rephrasing in own words what the listener heard. Opportunity to clarify misunderstandings.

10. ◦ Feedback:  communicate verbally our reaction to the message ◦ Acceptance of message:  I really appreciate your telling me this. Your disclosure sheds a lot of light on our problem. What you told me makes it easier for me to understand where you’re coming from. ◦ Validation:  conveying that the partner’s concern is real and legitimate

11. ◦ When questioning, use open-ended questions rather than yes/no questions  E.g. of yes/no:  Do you like oral sex?  Did you come?  E.g. of open-ended:  What gives you the most pleasure?  Where do you like to be touched?  What are your feelings about oral sex?

12. ◦ Use “I” statements”  “I feel ignored” vs. “You don’t care about me”.  “I’m upset” vs.“You upset me”.  “I feel unloved” vs. “You don’t love me”.

13.  When arguing try to use ◦ Documenting:  stick to specifics ◦ Leveling:  be honest and clear ◦ Editing:  leave out hurtful comments

14. ◦ Alexithymia:  Inability to verbalize one’s feelings or emotions, or even be aware of them.  Very common in men.  Mostly due to gender role socialization.

15. ◦ Alexithymia:  Fear, sadness and shame:  transformed into aggression  Caring emotions:  transformed into sex

16.  Disagreements and arguments are normal in an intimate relationship.  Create an emotionally safe environment: avoid hostility, put-downs or belittling, and behaviourally convey commitment.  Treat your partner with politeness and respect.