1. Consequences Parent Fair November 12, 2012 Allen ISD Middle School Counselors

2. Power Struggles O Parents feel: O Angry O Drained O Helpless O Wondering if they are the only parent feeling this way?? O Kids feel: O Like they have succeeded in gaining attention O They have manipulated the parent O They will wear the parent down O They have won! Some children love to engage parents in power struggles. This becomes a no-win situation for the parent and the child.

3. What to do??? O Tips for avoiding Power Struggles O Do not allow yourself to get into an argument O Choose your battles O Respond calmly, but firmly O Be consistent with rules and consequences O Give yourself time to think about the decision O Don’t be concerned about being “right”

4. Making Rules O Tips for Making Rules O Make rules for behavior, curfews, issues relating to health and safety O State what you want very clearly O Anticipate and discuss potential problems in advance O When age appropriate, involve children in rule making (you still make the final decision) Rules allow family members to trust each other and know what is expected.

5. Making Rules O Tips for Making Rules O Be prepared to enforce all rules you make O Expect complaints and resistance O Be consistent in enforcing the rules O If the situation changes, be willing to change the rules Rules allow family members to trust each other and know what is expected

6. Discipline or Punishment?? O Discipline = To Teach O Done in a calm, respectful manner O Addresses the child’s behavior O Teacher responsibility for one’s own actions and choices O Encourages good decision making O Strengthens self- esteem O Has long-term effect These words are often thought to be the same thing. However, there are significant differences.

7. Discipline or Punishment?? O Punishment = To Inflict Pain O Done out of anger and hostility O Is about power and control O Focuses on the child, not the behavior O Creates resentment O Destroys self- esteem O Has short-term effect These words are often thought to be the same thing. However, there are significant differences.

8. Consequences O Things to Do: O Choose consequences you can live with O When age appropriate, involve child in determining consequences O Let child know consequences in advance O Always follow through O Apply with empathy O Express belief your child can make a good choice Consequences are one of the best tools for teaching children to make good choices and to be responsible for their actions.

9. Natural Consequences Powerful & Effective Whenever possible allow your teen to face a natural consequence to an undesirable or attitude. DON’T INTERVENE!! O Lose a relationship as a result of being selfish O Be kicked off a team for not meeting the grade point average requirement O Miss out on a movie as a result of having spent all their allowance From Boundaries with Teens by Dr. John Townsend

10. NATURAL CONSEQUENCES O Must matter to the teen O Have more than one kind of consequence O Distinguish between Misdemeanors & Felonies O Use rewards strategically: !!Teens should not be rewarded for doing what is normally required in life!! O No Responsibility = No Privileges From Boundaries with Teens by Dr. John Townsend

11. Consequence List Media O Restrict access to the television O Restrict access to the computer for connecting, browsing, and listening to music O Remove access to music O Remove access to video games Tasks O Assign added chores O Assign extra homework O Assign community service O From Boundaries with Teens by Dr. John Townsend There are three categories of kinds of consequences that are fairly universal with teens. Social Access Ground your teen Restrict phone privileges Uninstall instant / text messaging

12. Consequences O Please Don’t: O Expect 100% success O Make consequences to stiff O Show your anger O Talk too much O Forget to re-evaluate as child gets older Consequences are one of the best tools for teaching children to make good choices and to be responsible for their actions.

13. 3 C’s of Parenting Thank you for attending the Consequences presentation. The other C presentations are: Communication Conflict Resolution Our next Parent Forum is in January 14th