1. Submit yourselves, then, to God
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you.

2. Conflict is everywhere
Home
– partner
- children
- in-laws
At work
-the boss
-colleagues
-employees
In our communities – neighbours!

3. How do you feel about conflict?
Fearful “Oh NO!-
I don’t need this!”
Angry – getting ready for a fight!
Resigned – “I have to get through this”
Expectant – “this situation has potential”

4. What’s your style? RHINO?
Are you a confronter?
Are you scary?
Are you direct in approach?

5. What’s your style? Hedgehog?
Are you prickly?
Are you defensive?
Do you withdraw?

6. Understanding each other’s styles helps

7. If I decide your differences are BAD NEWS:
I reject your ideas
I am intolerant of your behaviour
I am refusing to listen to you
I do not trust your judgement
I do not give you the benefit of the doubt
Collectively we loose

8. If I am dismissive about differences between us:
I may ignore them.
I may avoid conflict but not resolve it.
I will cold shoulder people
Left alone -CONFLICT IS A DESTROYER

9. If I view differences between us as potentially POSITIVE:
More options
More wisdom
Trust develops
We own OUR problems
Shared solutions strengthen relationships

10. Conflict is healthy! Differences between people are normal.
Sharing difference helps us grow.
New opinions need not be threatening.
We can investigate options.

11. The root of healthy relationships
Understanding differences
Understanding styles
Understanding needs
Listening properly
Being like Jesus – self-sacrificial and other-centred.

12. What does the Bible have to say about sorting out arguments?
James 4
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.  You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:    "God opposes the proud       but gives grace to the humble."

13. What does the Bible have to say about sorting out arguments?
  Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbour?

14. What does the Bible have to say about sorting out arguments?
Matthew 5
"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell.  "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

15. Levels of Listening Ignoring Pretending Selective Listening
Attentive Listening
Empathetic Listening

16. Helpful Tips eye contact whole attention no interrupting give time
check and respond
smile and nod
show you understand

17. TEN TOP relational NEEDS
Attention
Respect
Acceptance
Affection
Encouragement
Appreciation
Support
Comfort
Security
Approval

18. Impatience, quick temper
Symptoms of a full cup
Depressed Mood
Escape into work, drugs, infidelity, pornography, etc
Impatience, quick temper
Physical side effects
Loss of energy & umm..
concentration
Loss of +ve emotions like joy, love, affection & romance
Sleep & appetite disturbance
Emotions can fill our cup.
Stress Anxiety
Fears Insecurities
Unhealthy Accumulation of negative Emotions
False Guilt Condemnation
Our emotional capacity
True Guilt Retaliation
Anger Bitterness & Resentment
Hurt

19. Draining the emotional cup
Comfort
Deals with hurt
Positive Emotions can be displaced by….
Stress Anxiety
Fears Insecurities
False Guilt Condemnation
True Guilt Retaliation
Anger Bitterness & Resentment
Hurt

20. Draining the emotional cup
Positive Emotions can be displaced by….
Positive Emotion
Stress Anxiety
Fears Insecurities
False Guilt Condemnation
True Guilt Retaliation
Anger Bitterness & Resentment
Hurt

21. Draining the emotional cup
Forgiveness
Deals with anger
Positive Emotions can be displaced by….
Positive Emotion
Stress Anxiety
Fears Insecurities
False Guilt Condemnation
True Guilt Retaliation
Anger Bitterness & Resentment

22. Draining the emotional cup
Positive Emotions can be displaced by….
Positive Emotion
Stress Anxiety
Fears Insecurities
False Guilt Condemnation
True Guilt Retaliation
Anger

23. Draining the emotional cup
Confession
Deals with Guilt
Positive Emotions can be displaced by….
Positive Emotion
Stress Anxiety
Fears Insecurities
False Guilt Condemnation
True Guilt Retaliation

24. Draining the emotional cup
Truthful words drive out
condemnation
Positive Emotion
Stress Anxiety
Fears Insecurities
False Guilt Condemnation

25. Draining the emotional cup
Positive Emotion
Stress Anxiety
Fears Insecurities
False Guilt Condemnation

26. Draining the emotional cup
Love drives out
fear
Positive Emotion
Stress Anxiety
Fears Insecurities

27. Draining the emotional cup
Share your burden and learn to manage:
Stress and anxiety
Positive Emotion
Stress Anxiety

28. Draining the emotional cup
Positive Emotion
Negative emotion

29. The Potential of Relational Needs
EXAMPLE OF POSITIVE OUTCOMES - functional family, good self-image, intimate relationships, maturing personality
HEALTHY BEHAVIOURS - kindness, giving to others, considerate, persue excellence
POSITIVE FEELINGS - worthy, confident
HEALTHY THINKING - I can do it, I’m really loved, I must be important
NEEDS MET - affection, approval, attention, comfort
RELATIONAL NEEDS - acceptance, appreciation, encouragement, respect, security, support

30. The PAIN of relational needs
UNMET NEEDS - neglect, abuse, rejection, criticism
“FAULTY THINKING” - what’s wrong with me? I don’t matter, I’ll try harder
NEGATIVE FEELINGS - unworthy, anxious, condemned or bitter, hurt
UNHEALTHY BEHAVIOUR - acting out manipulative games, addictions, compulsions, self-abuse
EXAMPLE OF PAINFUL OUTCOMES - Disfunctional family, poor identity, personality disturbances, problems in living

31. Remember: the relationship is more important than the issue
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT
1. Choose a time & place
2. Stick to the point
3. If things get out of hand, take ‘time out’ (cup of tea) & agree to continue later
4. Describe how you “FEEL”
5. Use “I” rather than “you”
6. “Reflective” listening to what is being said
Remember:
the relationship is more important than the issue
7. Say ‘sorry’ and forgive each other
8. If no immediate agreement can be found, agree on a temporary solution
9. Try the solution and review after an agreed period of time
Copyright “Time for Families”

32. THE CYCLE OF A RELATIONSHIP
REALITY
ROMANCE
Our partnership is perfect . .
except for this LITTLE problem . .
. . Which needs sorting out NOW!
STOP interfering in MY life!
C’mon,we need to talk about it!
Let’s agree on how we move forward!
REACTION
THE CYCLE OF A RELATIONSHIP
RENEWAL
RESISTANCE
REFLECTION

33. When dealing with conflict, target the issue . . .
NOT the person !

34. WHAT IS YOUR PREFERRED LANGUAGE OF LOVE ?
WORDS, WORDS, WORDS,
WHAT IS YOUR PREFERRED LANGUAGE OF LOVE ?
GIVING/RECEIVING GIFTS
TIME TOGETHER
PHYSICAL TOUCH
THOUGHTFUL ACTS

35. It’s more than a feeling . . . It’s a DECISION!
FORGIVENESS,
It’s more than a feeling . . .
It’s a DECISION!
HURTS
NO FISHING
“Let’s dump our hurts here and move on together !”