1. Communicating About Sex

2. The Nature of Communication The ability to communicate is important in developing & maintaining relationships The ability to communicate is important in developing & maintaining relationships Communication: a transactional process Communication: a transactional process Involves conveying symbols, words, gestures, movements Involves conveying symbols, words, gestures, movements Goal of establishing human contact: exchanging information, and reinforcing or changing attitudes & behaviors Goal of establishing human contact: exchanging information, and reinforcing or changing attitudes & behaviors

3. Contexts of Communication Cultural context Cultural context the language, values, beliefs, and customs in which communication takes place the language, values, beliefs, and customs in which communication takes place Social context Social context the roles we play in society the roles we play in society Psychological context Psychological context how people communicate based on their personalities how people communicate based on their personalities

4. The Effects of Culture on Communication Individualistic vs. Collectivistic cultures Individualistic vs. Collectivistic cultures Men and women from the US disclose more personal information in their communication than men and women from some Asian cultures Men and women from the US disclose more personal information in their communication than men and women from some Asian cultures “Low-context” cultures vs. “high context” cultures “Low-context” cultures vs. “high context” cultures

5. Types of Communication: More Than Words Nonverbal communication Nonverbal communication comprises the bulk of our communication comprises the bulk of our communication is expressed in various cultural forms is expressed in various cultural forms adds to verbal communication adds to verbal communication Can be less threatening than verbal, but also more likely to be misunderstood Can be less threatening than verbal, but also more likely to be misunderstood Women are better at deciphering nonverbal communication, and use more eye contact, head nods, smiles, and touches than men Women are better at deciphering nonverbal communication, and use more eye contact, head nods, smiles, and touches than men

6. Types of Communication: More Than Words (Cont.) Computer mediated communication Computer mediated communication Women are more expressive, use emoticons Women are more expressive, use emoticons Allows focus on emotional intimacy, rather than physical attraction Allows focus on emotional intimacy, rather than physical attraction Online intimacy problematic if they become compulsive in their use of the internet Online intimacy problematic if they become compulsive in their use of the internet Online infidelity typically with people happy in a relationship; due to personality traits Online infidelity typically with people happy in a relationship; due to personality traits

7. Nonverbal Communication The ability to correctly interpret nonverbal communication is important in relationships The ability to correctly interpret nonverbal communication is important in relationships Most of our “feeling” communication is nonverbal Most of our “feeling” communication is nonverbal Three important factors: Three important factors: Proximity: nearness in physical space Proximity: nearness in physical space Eye contact: a symbol of interest Eye contact: a symbol of interest Touching: signals intimacy, closeness Touching: signals intimacy, closeness Women are better at decoding and translating nonverbal communication Women are better at decoding and translating nonverbal communication

8. The Importance of Communication Communication cultivates emotional intimacy, understanding, love Communication cultivates emotional intimacy, understanding, love Relationship problems often due to poor communication, creating anger & frustration Relationship problems often due to poor communication, creating anger & frustration Poor communication skills Poor communication skills Lack of self-disclosure Lack of self-disclosure Poor listening skills Poor listening skills

9. Enriching Your Sexuality: It’s Not Mind Reading Importance of Communication Importance of Communication Honesty and Openness Honesty and Openness Pay Attention to Nonverbal Behavior Too Pay Attention to Nonverbal Behavior Too

10. Gender Differences in Partner Communication Women send clearer messages to their partners than men do Women send clearer messages to their partners than men do Men more than women tend to send negative messages or withdraw Men more than women tend to send negative messages or withdraw Women tend to set the emotional tone of an argument Women tend to set the emotional tone of an argument Women tend to use more qualifiers in their style of speaking Women tend to use more qualifiers in their style of speaking

11. How Women and Men Communicate Conversations with the opposite sex are typically harder than with same sex groups Conversations with the opposite sex are typically harder than with same sex groups Genderlects – fundamental differences in how men and women communicate Genderlects – fundamental differences in how men and women communicate Men see a hierarchical world with need to maintain status; may interpret comments as challenges to defend; “report-talk” Men see a hierarchical world with need to maintain status; may interpret comments as challenges to defend; “report-talk” Women: a relational world to connect in and avoid isolation; “rapport-talk” Women: a relational world to connect in and avoid isolation; “rapport-talk”

12. How Women and Men Communicate (Cont.) Each believes the other sex interrupts more Each believes the other sex interrupts more Men are more likely to interrupt Men are more likely to interrupt Men tend to speak one at a time, and another comment is considered an interruption Men tend to speak one at a time, and another comment is considered an interruption When men interrupt they expect to be the primary speaker When men interrupt they expect to be the primary speaker Women use overlapping talk, where another interjects but does not take over in the conversation Women use overlapping talk, where another interjects but does not take over in the conversation

13. How Women and Men Communicate (Cont.) Women and men differ in their topics of discussion Women and men differ in their topics of discussion Male-typical talk: slang, money, business, time, space, quantity, destructive actions, motion, objects, hostile verbs Male-typical talk: slang, money, business, time, space, quantity, destructive actions, motion, objects, hostile verbs Female-typical talk: supportive, polite, expressive, home, family, feelings, evaluations, interpretations, psychological states Female-typical talk: supportive, polite, expressive, home, family, feelings, evaluations, interpretations, psychological states

14. Theories in Gender Differences Biological Biological Psychological Psychological Social roles Social roles

15. The Effects of Sexual Orientation on Communication Most communication research deals with heterosexuals Most communication research deals with heterosexuals Gay men’s speech more commonly includes more qualifying adjectives, a wider-than-usual pitch range, extended vowel length, a tendency to avoid reduced forms of speech, and more gesticulation compared to HTM Gay men’s speech more commonly includes more qualifying adjectives, a wider-than-usual pitch range, extended vowel length, a tendency to avoid reduced forms of speech, and more gesticulation compared to HTM Lesbians use more hedge words and a narrower pitch range than gay men Lesbians use more hedge words and a narrower pitch range than gay men

16. Developing Communication Skills Generally, poor communication skills precede relationship problems Generally, poor communication skills precede relationship problems First step in better communication: self- awareness First step in better communication: self- awareness Recognizing tendencies to Recognizing tendencies to Suppress “unacceptable” feelings Suppress “unacceptable” feelings Deny our feelings Deny our feelings Displace or project our feelings Displace or project our feelings

17. Communicating More Effectively Make sure you and your partner have the time and energy to communicate well before you begin a conversation Make sure you and your partner have the time and energy to communicate well before you begin a conversation Limit the use of tag questions, they can indicate uncertainty and be misunderstood Limit the use of tag questions, they can indicate uncertainty and be misunderstood Pay attention to your and your partner’s nonverbal cues Pay attention to your and your partner’s nonverbal cues

18. Communicating More Effectively (Cont.) Self-disclosure deepens intimacy and feelings of love as you share and grow as a couple Self-disclosure deepens intimacy and feelings of love as you share and grow as a couple It is critical in a healthy relationship It is critical in a healthy relationship Women tend to self-disclose more Women tend to self-disclose more Too much disclosure too soon is risky Too much disclosure too soon is risky Asking for what you need Asking for what you need Many people are insecure about sex Many people are insecure about sex Honesty is essential to avoid unhappiness Honesty is essential to avoid unhappiness

19. Keys to Good Communication: Self-disclosure Self-disclosure Creates the environment for mutual understanding Creates the environment for mutual understanding Helps us discover who we are Helps us discover who we are Must be reciprocal Must be reciprocal Trust Trust A belief in the reliability and integrity of the person A belief in the reliability and integrity of the person Relationship must be likely to continue Relationship must be likely to continue Behavior must be predictable Behavior must be predictable Each person must have options Each person must have options Feedback Feedback The ongoing process of restating, checking accuracy, questioning, and clarifying messages The ongoing process of restating, checking accuracy, questioning, and clarifying messages

20. Listening, Expressing Criticism, and Nonconstructive Communication Most relationships have too much criticism, not enough listening and positive comments Most relationships have too much criticism, not enough listening and positive comments

21. The Importance of Listening Nondefensive listening – without being defensive, focus attention on your partner’s concerns Nondefensive listening – without being defensive, focus attention on your partner’s concerns Active listening – nonverbal communication that assures your partner you are attentive Active listening – nonverbal communication that assures your partner you are attentive Eye contact, head nods, “um hum” Eye contact, head nods, “um hum” Know your partner’s buttons and avoid pushing them Know your partner’s buttons and avoid pushing them

22. The Importance of Listening Nondefensive listening – without being defensive, focus attention on your partner’s concerns Nondefensive listening – without being defensive, focus attention on your partner’s concerns Active listening – nonverbal communication that assures your partner you are attentive Active listening – nonverbal communication that assures your partner you are attentive Eye contact, head nods, “um hum” Eye contact, head nods, “um hum” Know your partner’s buttons and avoid pushing them Know your partner’s buttons and avoid pushing them

23. The Importance of Listening (Cont.) When your partner is finished, summarize and validate their thoughts When your partner is finished, summarize and validate their thoughts Take caution in interpreting a message that may not be perceived correctly, but altered due to mood state or the state of your relationship with the person Take caution in interpreting a message that may not be perceived correctly, but altered due to mood state or the state of your relationship with the person Women listen for details, men listen for the bottom line and/or what action is required to resolve a situation Women listen for details, men listen for the bottom line and/or what action is required to resolve a situation

24. Nonconstructive Communication: Don’t Yell at Me! Many communication mistakes can lead to conflicts: Many communication mistakes can lead to conflicts: Overgeneralizations (“always”, “never”) Overgeneralizations (“always”, “never”) Be specific about complaints Be specific about complaints Name-calling/Stereotyping words Name-calling/Stereotyping words Digging up the past Digging up the past Overkill Overkill Including too many issues in the talk Including too many issues in the talk Yelling/Screaming Yelling/Screaming

25. Nonconstructive Communication: Don’t Yell at Me! (Cont.) During disagreements, happy couples have positive thoughts about their partner During disagreements, happy couples have positive thoughts about their partner After a conflict, After a conflict, Women tend to try to reestablish closeness Women tend to try to reestablish closeness Men tend to withdraw Men tend to withdraw Know which issues can be resolved, and which cannot Know which issues can be resolved, and which cannot

26. Sexual Communication In established relationships In established relationships initiating sexual activity initiating sexual activity For heterosexuals: men typically initiate more often For heterosexuals: men typically initiate more often In same-sex relationships: typically the more emotionally expressive partner initiates In same-sex relationships: typically the more emotionally expressive partner initiates

27. Talking About Sex Obstacles to sexual discussions Obstacles to sexual discussions Lack of models for talking about sex Lack of models for talking about sex Risk of being thought of as sexually obsessive, or bad Risk of being thought of as sexually obsessive, or bad May believe that talking about sex threatens relationship May believe that talking about sex threatens relationship Lack of a comfortable sexual vocabulary Lack of a comfortable sexual vocabulary

28. Talking with Your Partner about Sex Most couples initiate and consent to sex nonverbally Most couples initiate and consent to sex nonverbally It is difficult to talk about sex It is difficult to talk about sex Each person’s desires are unique and need to be communicated Each person’s desires are unique and need to be communicated Good lovers know how to communicate and listen Good lovers know how to communicate and listen

29. Conflict and Intimacy Conflict is natural in intimate relationships Conflict is natural in intimate relationships A lack of arguing can signal trouble in a relationship A lack of arguing can signal trouble in a relationship Conflict isn’t dangerous; it’s the manner in which it is handled that can hurt or help relationship Conflict isn’t dangerous; it’s the manner in which it is handled that can hurt or help relationship

30. Conflicts about Sex Fighting about sex Fighting about sex Can result from a disagreement about sex Can result from a disagreement about sex Can also be used as a “scapegoat” for nonsexual problems Can also be used as a “scapegoat” for nonsexual problems Can be a cover-up for deeper feelings such as inadequacy Can be a cover-up for deeper feelings such as inadequacy It’s hard to tell during a fight if there are deeper causes It’s hard to tell during a fight if there are deeper causes

31. Sexuality and Power Conflicts Destructive tactics used to gain power: Destructive tactics used to gain power: Withholding sex Withholding sex Forcing sex Forcing sex Unequal power relationships can be changed Unequal power relationships can be changed It is not easy once embedded in the structure of the relationship It is not easy once embedded in the structure of the relationship Talking, attempting to understand, and negotiating are the best approaches Talking, attempting to understand, and negotiating are the best approaches

32. Conflict Resolution The way couples deal with conflict reflects and contributes to their happiness The way couples deal with conflict reflects and contributes to their happiness Strategies for conflict resolution Strategies for conflict resolution Summarizing Summarizing Paraphrasing Paraphrasing Validation Validation Clarification Clarification

33. Negotiating Conflicts Agreement as a gift Agreement as a gift Either partner has right to freely agree with the other without coercion Either partner has right to freely agree with the other without coercion Bargaining Bargaining Making compromises to create the most equitable deal for both partners Making compromises to create the most equitable deal for both partners Coexistence Coexistence Allowing irresolvable differences to be lived with Allowing irresolvable differences to be lived with

34. I Like You and I Like Myself You need to feel good about yourself in order to be sexually healthy You need to feel good about yourself in order to be sexually healthy The media creates the “ideal body” The media creates the “ideal body” Self-esteem is related to emotional and mental health Self-esteem is related to emotional and mental health Having self-acceptance, autonomy, self- efficacy, and resilience will aid in maintaining good sexual relationships Having self-acceptance, autonomy, self- efficacy, and resilience will aid in maintaining good sexual relationships

35. What Makes a Good Lover? Sensitivity to their partner’s needs Sensitivity to their partner’s needs Able to communicate own desires Able to communicate own desires Patient Patient Caring Caring Confident Confident Keep in mind that men and women can have different views of the same sexual behaviors and techniques Keep in mind that men and women can have different views of the same sexual behaviors and techniques

36. Key Points Communication is the basis for good sex and good relationships Communication is the basis for good sex and good relationships Communication and intimacy are reciprocal: Communication and intimacy are reciprocal: communication creates intimacy communication creates intimacy intimacy creates good communication intimacy creates good communication