1. Fighting Fair : Putting LUV in Conflict Michael and Amanda Szapkiw

2. Overview How well do you communicate? Do you fight fair? How not to fight. The foundation of good fighting. What does gender have to fighting? Techniques for fighting fair: LUV

3. Fighting Fair Have you ever had an argument like this?

4. Fighting Fair Evaluation We fight We call names Things get out of control when we argue There are bad feelings for a long time after we fight. Past issues come up. We forget what we are fighting about, but continue to fight. One must win We place blame. Neither listens. Feelings are ignored. 1- never 2-rarely 3-sometimes 4-often 5- very often Talk to Me: How to Create Positive, Loving Communication by Steven & Catherine Martin.

5. Fighting Fair Score 10-20 You have either a healthy relationship or no relationship at all. 21-34 Your arguments are not only exciting they are dangerous. Both of you are in danger of feeling misunderstood and feelings of hurt and bitterness are likely. 35-50 No one is winning and both of you are hurting. You may want to consider seeing a counselor or mediator.

6. Virginia Satir: How Not To Fight Placating –Peace at any price. Blaming –A fault-finder who speaks in generalizations. Computing –Super reasonable, calm and collected. Distracting –Resorts to irrelevancies.

7. The Foundation of Good Fighting Good communication is built first on who you are- and later on what you do. You need three personal qualities: –Warmth –Genuineness –Empathy

8. What does Gender Have To Do With Good Fighting? We both open our mouths and produce noise. Men use words for “report-talk” (Tannen, D.). Women use words for “rapport- talk” (Tannen,D.).

9. Fighting Fair Benefits: Allows both to feel heard and understood Creates a win/win situation Feelings get expressed! Warning: Does not guarantee agreement !

10. Fighting Fair Ground Rules: Call time out Take responsibility Time & Place Address one issue at a time Avoid threatening the relationship It’s not about winning

11. Fighting Fair Been through a fast food drive-thru lately?

12. Employees and Customers Employee’s Responsibility L isten U nderstand V alidate

13. “LUV” L isten Whole Body Non-verbal Eyes Use Reflective Listening

14. “LUV” U nderstand Ask Questions –ex. “What makes you so upset?” –Never use “Why?” and “But” Repeat what you “think” you have heard –Gives the opportunity for clarity

15. “LUV” V alidation Set aside your own feelings and needs. Try to truly understand and appreciate you’re the other person’s position. –Avoid invalidation

16. Employees and Customers Customer’s Responsibility “I” statements Be Clear and Concise Avoid accusations

17. “You” statement vs. “I” statement You……. I feel ___________ when ___________ because_____________________. I want __________________.

18. Seek To Solve the Problem Define the problem Identify your own contribution to the problem Identify alternative solutions Mutually accept solution Implement solution Evaluate solution

19. Let’s F.I.G.H.T. Face each other. Look each other in the eye as you discuss problems. other person is absent. Ignore distractions. Stay on the subject. Guard your tongue. Avoid name calling. Halt the history. Although my siblings and parents joke about it now, "You always..." "Why can't you ever..." and "You never..." were often preambles to the reasons why things weren't going well in our family. This is called history, and history doesn't belong in arguments. Bringing up history communicates to the other person that nothing will ever change and that the past has not been forgiven. Touch

20. Fighting Fair ~ LUV Talk