1. Laurie Halse Anderson By: IB

2. They want to jump into my mouth. No, they want to roll themselves in butter and honey. Muffins. “ I’m hungry I need to eat. I hate eating. I need to eat. I hate eating. I need to eat. I love-not eating. “ “ I’m not hungry.” said Lia “ You’re not dead, but you’re not alive.”

3. “I can’t.” I’ll try Two scrambled eggs+ milk+ butter= 305+ (two muffins=450) = horror. “ You aren’t supposed to push me. I have to feel safe with food.” I push the plate away. “I can’t.” “ I’m not eating that,” I say. “I’ll make you a deal.” “You eat. I explain Cassie’s death.” CASSIE IS DEAD

4. ulcer medicine It takes an hour. scrambled eggs= 25 bites one muffin= 16 bites mood stabilizer AND Vodka. Lots of Vodka. Two antidepressants “You’re sure you want to hear this.” “ Cassie’s esophagus ruptured.” “ Cassie had liver damage.” “ she was at a motel. she drank, binged, and purged for two straight days.” “ it can’t be worse than what I’ve been imagining.” She Died Alone.

5. Cassie did not visit me last night. That’s a good thing. Maybe she can finally sleep too. She died alone. I see ghosts. “ I did not win.” “You won.” said Cassie Cutting pain was a different flavor of hurt. I win. I won. I am lost. I am 98.00 I am 97.00 I am 96.00 Must. Not. Eat. Truth= 94.00 New goal= 94.00 I strip, stand on it, to weigh my faults and measure my sins.

6. “This is a serious moment. You’re crossing over.” -Cassie I cut…from between my neck to just below my heart, deep enough so I can feel something. Pain takes my breath away. FAT Drops of blood. I cut. between two ribs, then, between the ribs below that. Third line between my two ribs…heart beats frantically. “What’s going on?” –Lia PAIN The doctors tied me back together with twine. “ I failed.” “You lied. I do have a choice!” –Lia “You don’t deserve to live.” “Use a bigger knife next time. cut deeper.” - Cassie “Lia, you’re dying.” “You don’t have a choice.”

7. Food is life. I breathe in slowly. The concept of eating is scary. The nasty voices are always on call, eager to pull me back down :: Stupid/Ugly/Stupid/Fat/:: but I do not listen. It’s hard. I take half a cinnamon bagel. Half a bagel (165). Whole bagel (330) Two tablespoons full-fat cream cheese (80).