1. Top 10 ways to make sure your work is never published, or worse, cited Nick Hopwood (University of Technology, Sydney) See associated blog at nickhop.wordpress.com I’ve said before and will say again: If you’re worried about getting rejected, don’t be! It is DEFINITELY going to happen one day It happens to all of us Join the club! I’ve said before and will say again: If you’re worried about getting rejected, don’t be! It is DEFINITELY going to happen one day It happens to all of us Join the club!

2. 1 Good papers that are never read may be found here Never submit your work to anyone for review Why? Fear of rejection / criticism Perfectionism Other excuses 100% safe ZERO chance of getting published in journals 100% safe ZERO chance of getting published in journals

3. 2 You can be your own worst enemy Perfect your work first Anyway… Perfectionism is often other excuses in disguise You will never write a perfect text Accept this, get over it, and move on You will never write a perfect text Accept this, get over it, and move on

4. 3 Get E.O.S. Causes Not re-drafting Not seeking critical feedback Avoiding the hard questions Being in a hurry: ‘quick & dirty’ is really just ‘dirty’ Early Onset Satisfaction Mem Fox’s idea via @ThomsonPat’s blog ‘patter’ Early Onset Satisfaction Mem Fox’s idea via @ThomsonPat’s blog ‘patter’ Maybe you are not as good as you think you are

5. 4 Collapse under harsh critique Certainties in research: Death, taxes, nasty reviews Certainties in research: Death, taxes, nasty reviews This is a rather dull re-hash of very familiar ground… as a piece of policy analysis this is derivative and lacking in insight and originality. It would merit a ‘B’ as an M.Ed. essay

6. 5 Sell the wrong paper Method Write one title / abstract, and then a completely different paper, ensuring you fail to deliver on your promise Effective way to frustrate and disappoint reviewers Does exactly what it says on the tin

7. Oops! You’re actually going to submit something to a journal. Eek! It might get accepted Better make sure no-one ever reads or, worse, cites it! You’re actually going to submit something to a journal. Eek! It might get accepted Better make sure no-one ever reads or, worse, cites it!

8. 6 Give it a truly dreadful title Choice elements No connection to ongoing conversation No sense of what is new Jargon Puns Stop people even reading the abstract! = “A dull and irrelevant waste of time”

9. 7 Match your title with an equally poor abstract Poor abstracts fail to: LOCATE paper in bigger picture Give a clear, specific FOCUS for study REPORT what was done and found ARGUE what is new, and why we should care (Kamler & Thomson 2006 Helping doctoral students write, London: Routledge) “Tiny texts” are hard but worth the effort Leave readers with no sense of where the paper is going

10. 8 Hide your arguments in waffle Wafflers successfully avoid Starting para’s by announcing key idea Reminding readers of key points Being explicit: “What is new here is…” Did I mention reinforcement? Your readers need it S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G O-U-T for them Argument & contribution under here somewhere

11. 9 Make no worthwhile argument at all BORRRRR-ING! Fear of over-claiming leads to too much caution Time taken to read your ‘nothing’ paper is time your readers can never get back Therefore it can be seen that to a certain extent the statement is true Not only will readers FORGET your paper, they’ll be really ANNOYED with you too!

12. 10 Over claim Unsubstantiated conclusions & rampant speculation A paper isn’t worth its salt unless you Change the face of health services Undo all the wrongs of history Find a cure for cancer Eliminate all global injustice “I humbly accept the Nobel Prize for my contribution to … based on one journal paper”

13. Thanks nickhop.wordpress.com @NHopUTS