1. Mental & Emotional Tool Kit for Life

2. Ray Mathis www.itsjustanevent.com

3. YouTube Channel: itsjustanevent Mental and Emotional Fitness Parts 1-13

4. “Any job is easy if you use the right tool”

5. Tool #1 To recognize and appreciate the important role Emotion plays in everyday life

6. E – Motion can be helpful Energy to Move

7. Dysfunctional Amount of Emotion
More than is necessary or helpful
More than we’d like to have
More than we know what to do with
More than is healthy for us
A type and amount that works against us instead of for us

8. Makes us REACT to life instead of RESPOND to it

9. It makes us less Response-ABLE

10. Response-Ability Ability to respond to life instead of react to it

11. It can make otherwise smart people do stupid things

12. Behavior starts and continues because it serves a purpose It’s always goal-orientated

13. Mistaken Goals Get us off course Get some immediate satisfaction
Less likely to get what we really want in the long run

14. Tool #8 To recognize when you and others have Mistaken Goals

15. Mistaken Goals Attention (love, acceptance, approval, respect)
Power (control)
Revenge
Avoidance of Failure
Withdrawal-Avoidance-Relief

16. Dysfunctional Amount of Emotion
Gives purpose to unhealthy, self-defeating behavior
Driving force behind behavior intended to satisfy mistaken goals

17. The more Emotion someone generates
The more purpose it serves
The more driven people are

18. My Goal Today Teach you how to have truly effective Emotional Management

19. Tool #2 Unconditional Self-Acceptance (USA)

20. SHAME When you believe you aren’t living up to your own or someone else’s Expectations

21. There are always plenty of Expectations from
Parents
Teachers
Coaches
Friends
Religion
Society

22. Plenty Plenty of = of Expectations Opportunities for young people to feel SHAME

23. Too many young people are even told “You should be ASHAMED of yourself”

24. Please don’t ever say that to YOUR kids Teachers never should

25. Alcohol abuse Drug abuse Suicide
Primary Disturbance SHAME can be the primary feeling people seek relief from by
Alcohol abuse
Drug abuse
Suicide

26. SHAME is often the reason students shut down in school and eventually drop out

27. Secondary Disturbance SHAME is also makes people
Keep what they think and feel a secret
Less likely to ask for or accept help that’s available

28. Lots of bad things happen because people keep secrets

29. How keeping secrets hurts
Irrational thoughts get rehearsed
“Like a broken record”
Thoughts go unchallenged
Develop cognitive “RUTS”
Becomes automatic to think that
OPINIONS start to feel like FACTS

30. Suicide #3 cause of death for teens Is that decision usually based on FACTS or OPINIONS about themselves and their life?

31. “My life sucks” “I can’t take any more of this” “It’s never going to get any better” “They’re never going to stop” “I’m never going to feel better” Facts or Opinions?

32. “Shame blocks change” Dr
“Shame blocks change” Dr. Albert Ellis It keeps people from making changes they could and might need to make

33. SHAME can lead to
Anxiety
Anger

34. ANGER gives people a false sense of
Power
Righteousness
Permission
Protection

35. Turtles or Rattlesnakes

36. Low Self Esteem SHAME + ANXIETY about about the past the future

37. Part of the solution is U.S.A.

38. Anything you think, feel, say or do is perfectly UNDERSTANDABLE

39. That does NOT mean it’s Helpful (rational) Healthy
Acceptable to others

40. Put other people through exactly what you’ve been through And they’d probably end up thinking, feeling and doing what you do (And maybe even worse)

41. We all do the BEST we can at the time Given what we’ve been through And the situations we find ourselves in

42. Regardless of what you think, feel, say or do
You’ll never be the first
You’re never going to be the last
You’ll always have a lot of company
It’s part of being human

43. No one’s perfect Everyone makes mistakes

44. We’re all FHB’s Fallible Human Beings Dr. Albert Ellis

45. Who at times think, feel, say and do things that make our lives worse instead of better

46. It’s nothing to be ashamed of

48. Unconditional Other Acceptance (UOA)

49. Benefits to you Can still dislike what others say and do
Less likely to take what others say and do personally
Generate a lot less emotion

50. Tool #3 To develop an Internal Locus of Control

51. Locus of Control Where you see your feelings coming from What you see as the cause of them

52. External or Internal

54. Understandable Part of being human

55. The Problem You make how you feel depend on events, other people that you can’t and don’t CONTROL

56. The end result
You feel worse than you need to, for longer than necessary
You miss many opportunities to feel better

57. The real formula for feelings Event + Thoughts = Feeling

58. Thoughts cause feelings, not events

59. a + b = c constant variable 5 + 6 = 11 5 + 9 = 14 5 + 3 = 8

60. Feeling Event + Thoughts = Feeling (constant) (variable) Feeling

61. Dr. Albert Ellis ABC Theory of Emotions A = Activating Event (Adversity) B = Beliefs C = Consequences (Feel, Do)

62. Event + Thoughts = Feeling > Do a + b = c Activating + Beliefs = Consequence Event (feel, do)

64. Anxiety is a figment of IMAGINATION

65. It’s about things that haven’t happened yet
Things that could, but often never do

66. Anxiety DISORDER Spend too much time in their IMAGINATION instead of dealing with the Here and Now

67. To combat anxiety Staying in the NOW Step 1: “That might happen, but it hasn’t happen yet” Step 2: “And if it does, I’ll deal with it” “Like I have before” “Like other people do”

68. Cognitive Choices How we LOOK AT things What MEANING we attach
What we REMEMBER about the past
What we IMAGINE will happen next
What we FOCUS on
What we COMPARE things to
What we EXPECT (self, others, life)
How much IMPORTANCE we attach
What we spend our time THINKING about

71. Event + Thoughts = Feeling Choices

72. Power Choices = and Control over your Emotional Destiny

73. “You make me mad” is like saying YOU get to decide how I’m going to feel instead of ME

74. External Locus You give away the power and control you DO have
You give others power and control they DON’T really have

75. People are always misspeaking about the way their feelings come about

76. If we keep misspeaking
Keep feeling worse than we need to
Miss opportunities to feel better

77. Semantic Precision and Correctness

78. People don’t make us mad We make ourselves mad Anger comes from inside us not outside

79. School, a job, and other people don’t stress us out We stress ourselves out by the way we choose to look at things Stress comes from inside us not outside us

80. People can’t and don’t put pressure on us We put pressure on ourselves Pressure comes from inside us not outside us Including Peer Pressure

82. No one can hurt our feelings

83. Sometimes Because of what we THINK About someone and what they say and do to us We make ourselves feel hurt Hurt comes from inside us not outside us

84. People can’t and don’t make us happy We can’t and don’t make them happy

85. “A man is about as happy as he makes up his mind to be” Abraham Lincoln

86. Feelings, Stress, Pressure come from inside us Not outside us

87. Event + Thoughts = Feeling Everything others say and do and that happens is just an EVENT

88. That is NOT intended to be DISCOUNTING of a tragic event in your life There’s a SCIENCE to this but also an ART to it

89. It’s OUR choice…. How we look at things What meaning we attach
What we remember about the past
What we imagine will happen next
What we expect (ourselves, others, life)
What we focus on
What we compare things to
How much importance we attach
What we spend our time thinking about

90. And given that Thoughts cause feelings, not events Event + Thoughts = Feeling Choices

91. Then logically, It’s OUR choice how we want to feel

92. Furthermore No one upsets us, we upset ourselves
We’re responsible for how we feel, not others
It’s not their problem if we feel bad, it’s ours
It’s not their job to make us feel better, it’s ours

93. It does NOT mean…
You shouldn’t feel the way you do
It’s your fault you feel that way
There’s something wrong with you for feeling that way
It’s okay others said or did what they did
You’re making a big deal out of nothing

94. It simply means there will always be more than one way to look at anything

95. Whatever way we pick will always be perfectly understandable Given our life experiences

96. But some ways will make us feel BETTER And others will make us feel WORSE

97. Some will make it EASIER to deal with things Others will make it HARDER

98. And We always have a CHOICE

99. And The way we choose to look at things will never change what happened

100. Tool #9 Evaluating your thoughts, feelings, actions with regard to your life goals

101. Question 1 What do you really want? How do you want to feel?

102. Question 2 How’s it working for you
Question 2 How’s it working for you? To think, feel, say and do what you do now?

103. Question 3 If you keep thinking, feeling, saying and doing what you do now Will it be easier or harder in the future?

104. Question 4 If someone else thinks, feels, says or does that Are you likely to get what you want from them, with them? To feel the way you want to?

105. Me: “How am I suppose to look at things
Me: “How am I suppose to look at things?” Jerry: “Right now you’re looking at having those kids in your class as being a problem Why not look at it as a challenge, or opportunity to prove you’re as good a teacher as you and I both think you are?”

106. When something happens, and you don’t like it, which is it. Problem
When something happens, and you don’t like it, which is it? Problem? or Challenge? or Opportunity?

107. My MINDSET It’s not a PROBLEM It’s just an EVENT

108. As a Teacher It’s what I get paid to deal with And I’m supposed to know how to deal with kids better than others I take pride in being able to

109. With everyday life
It’s just something I have to deal with
Like I have many times before
Like I probably will again in the future
Like other people have, and do every day

110. Take pride in doing so
Better than others around you
Better than you did before

111. But remember that if you struggle That’s part of being human And nothing to be ashamed of

112. Self-Esteem People can’t and don’t make us feel bad about ourselves They can’t and don’t make us feel better either

113. Child versions of self-defense “I know you are but what am I
Child versions of self-defense “I know you are but what am I?” “I’m rubber, you’re glue. What you say bounces off me and stick to you” “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me”

114. “I know you are but what am I” >>>>> Protected “How dare you Lose say that?” >>>>>>>> Protection

115. Adult version “You can think or say whatever you want about me BUT It’s my choice how I look at myself AND It’s my choice how I want to feel about myself”

116. “And you don’t get to make those choices for me Unless I let you And I choose NOT to”

117. “Everything can be taken from us but the last of human freedoms
“Everything can be taken from us but the last of human freedoms. To choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances. To choose one’s own way.” Dr. Victor Frankl Holocaust Survivor

118. Your last freedom is your Attitude

119. No one can get inside your head unless you let them You don’t want to let people live there rent free It takes practice to get good at keeping them out

122. Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder So is feeling GOOD or BAD

123. “Life is Mind-Made” Dr. Chris Eisenbarth

124. Internal Locus of Control
Recognize what you do and don’t control
Focus on and work with what you do

126. The truth is…. We can’t control what OTHERS think, feel, say and do
We only control what WE think, feel, say and do

127. Internal Locus of Control Avoid taking unnecessary responsibility for how others make themselves feel

128. You’re responsible for what you say and do But not for how others make themselves feel about it

129. It’s THEIR choice…. How THEY look at things What meaning THEY attach
What THEY remember about the past
What THEY imagine will happen next
What THEY expect (self, others, life)
What THEY focus on
What THEY compare things to
How much importance THEY attach
What they spend their time thinking about

130. It’s THEIR choice how THEY want to feel

131. Tool #4 Recognize Irrational Thinking

132. Why it’s important
Thoughts cause feelings, not events
Attitude is always the father of behavior

133. Irrational means Makes you feel worse than necessary or helpful
Causes you to do things that make your life worse

134. Dr. Albert Ellis Irrational Thinking
Demandiness
Awfulizing
Can’t Stand It-itis
Label and Damning

135. Demandiness

143. We need air water and food We have to have them They are necessities to life We’ll die in minutes, days, or weeks if we don’t get them

144. Do we need LOVE the same way we need air, water and food?

145. How about the acceptance, approval, respect of others?

147. Rule #1 You have the right to want whatever you want

148. Mistakes people make Start to think they NEED things they simply want
Start to treat simple preferences as NECESSITIES
Start to DEMAND what they simply desire

156. Perceived Need We think we need something And it’s nice to have
But we’re NOT going to die if we don’t get it
We CAN live without it

157. Understandable Part of being human

158. We have to be judicious about the way we use words like
Need
Have to
Can’t
Should
Shouldn’t

159. Rule #2 The bigger the difference between your expectations and reality the more emotion you’ll generate needlessly

162. You can make The feeling Pronouns Demands of end up with that are used Others Anger You, They He, She Anxiety Self Shame, Guilt I Loneliness Depression Life Boredom This, It Anxiety

163. Brainstorming Demands He, She This They, You I It How dare…. +
Brainstorming Demands He, She This They, You I It How dare… How could… Can’t Shouldn’t Need (to) Have to Should

164. The Essence of Anger They HAVE TO (should, must) do what I want
The Essence of Anger They HAVE TO (should, must) do what I want! They HAVE TO (should, must) be the way I want them to be! How old does that sound?

165. That’s why Dr. Ellis used to say Anger is a Temper Tantrum

166. Demands of Yourself Before Event After Event Anxiety Shame, Guilt

170. Anxiety-producing thoughts about parents I have to (need to, must) make them happy I can’t disappoint them I have to (need to) make them proud of me I can’t let them down I have to (need to, must) please them I can’t upset them like I did in the past I have to (need to, must) do what they want

171. The essence of Anxiety I HAVE TO be perfect and do everything perfectly all the time (self) Everything HAS TO go exactly as I planned or want it to (life)

172. Remember Demands of Yourself Before Event After Event Anxiety Shame, Guilt

173. SHOULD Others Yourself Life Anger Shame Depression Guilt Boredom Loneliness

174. SHAME, Guilt thoughts I should have done better I shouldn’t have gotten so many wrong I should be doing more with my life I should be doing better in school I shouldn’t being getting bad grades I should know how to do that by now I should be able to do what others can I shouldn’t have done that I should know better

175. As a general rule It’s not good to SHOULD on yourself or others

176. The Essence of Depression My life SHOULDN’T (can’t) be the way it is This SHOULDN’T (can’t) be happening to me

177. Depressive thoughts It (life) shouldn’t be so hard I shouldn’t have to deal with this It (life) should be easier that this It’s not fair (and life should be)

178. Dr. Albert Ellis Depression is a Quiet Temper Tantrum

179. Demands in the form of questions Anger How dare they
Demands in the form of questions Anger How dare they...? = They can’t How could they…? = They shouldn’t Shame, Guilt How could I….? = I shouldn’t have

180. Remember Attitude is always the father of behavior

181. Rule #3 When people start to think they need something they simply want, it makes otherwise smart people do stupid things

182. Rule #4 Behavior intended to satisfy a perceived need will win out over behavior intended to satisfy a rational preference

183. Awfulizing

186. “You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill” My grandfather

187. Rule #5 You have a right to like or dislike whatever you want to

190. If you truly couldn’t stand it
Die (physically)
Go crazy (mentally)

191. -itis = inflammation You needlessly INFLAME yourself

192. Can’t Stand It-itis

193. Label and Damning

196. Label and Damning Calling an apple “bad” because it has a bruise
Calling someone “stupid” because they did a stupid thing
Condemning the DOER instead of the DEED
Can Label & Damn others or yourself

197. Tool #6 A step-by-step approach to troubling life events

198. Dr. Albert Ellis A Activating Event 1 or 2 B Beliefs (recognize) 3
C Consequences (feel, do) or 2
D Dispute (correct)
E Effective Coping Statement
F Functional Amt. of Emotion
G Generate Options
H Healthier, Happier, Hopeful

199. Tool #5 Correcting Irrational Thinking

200. Dr. Albert Ellis A Activating Event 1 or 2 B Beliefs (recognize) 3
C Consequences (feel, do) or 2
D Dispute (correct)
E Effective Coping Statement
F Functional Amt. of Emotion
G Generate Options
H Healthier, Happier, Hopeful

201. Strategy 1 The Scientific Method

202. Thoughts Theories and = and Comments Hypotheses About the way life is or should be

203. The Basic Questions
Does the evidence of everyday life support your theory or hypothesis?
Or does it refute it?
Does it suggest a better theory or hypothesis?

204. They can’t tell me what to do VS They can do whatever they want

205. Strategy 2 Fact or Opinion?

206. They can’t tell me what to do VS They can do whatever they want

207. Strategy 3 Demands in the form of questions How dare they. EASILY
Strategy Demands in the form of questions How dare they...? EASILY! How could they…? EASILY! How could I….? EASILY!

208. How dare they talk to me like that. How could they not get this
How dare they talk to me like that? How could they not get this? How could I have made such a mistake? How could you/I be so stupid?

209. Strategy 4 Simple but direct Questions

210. Demandiness

214. They need to to apologize for that Why do they need to do that
They need to to apologize for that Why do they need to do that? Do they need to do that like they need like air, water, food? They need to, or you just want them to? They need to, or you’d just like them to?

215. If you start your answer with “Because…
If you start your answer with “Because….” Then anything that follows is the wrong answer

216. What are the right answers. Why do they need to do that
What are the right answers? Why do they need to do that? Do they need to do that like they need like air, water, food? They need to, or you just want them to? They need to, or you’d just like them to?

217. They have to apologize for that Why do they have to
They have to apologize for that Why do they have to? They have to, or you just want them to? They have to, or you’d just like them to?

218. They can’t say things like that Why can’t they
They can’t say things like that Why can’t they? They can’t, or you just don’t want them to? They can’t, or you just don’t like when they do?

221. I have to get an A Why do you have to. You have to, or just want to
I have to get an A Why do you have to? You have to, or just want to? You have to, or would just like to?

222. I can’t get a B or a C in this class Why can’t you
I can’t get a B or a C in this class Why can’t you? You can’t, or just don’t want to? You can’t, or just wouldn’t like to?

225. It’s enough to simply really WANT to do something HAVE TO often ends up being too much of a good thing

226. Strategy 5 Use I-Messages

227. Tool #7 Use I Messages to assert yourself

228. Old They need to apologize for that New I want them to apologize for that I’d like them to apologize (BUT, no one has to do anything)

229. Old I have to get an A New I really want to get an A I’d really like to get an A (But I don’t have to)

230. Old They can’t say things like that New I don’t want people saying that I don’t like when people say that (BUT people can say and do whatever they want to)

231. Old I can’t get a B or a C in that class New I really don’t want to get a B or C I really don’t like getting B’s or C’s (BUT it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I did)

232. Put your behavior where you want your attitude to be Practice talking the way you want to think

233. Awfulizing

236. It’s really awful that they said that Why is it so awful
It’s really awful that they said that Why is it so awful? Is it awful, or just unpleasant? Is it awful, or just inconvenient? Is it awful, or just uncomfortable? Is it awful like having cancer?

239. Can’t Stand It-itis

242. I can’t stand when people do things like that Why can’t you stand it
I can’t stand when people do things like that Why can’t you stand it? Are you going to die or go crazy? You can’t stand it, or just don’t like it?

245. Label and Damning

248. They’re jerks for saying things like that about me Why are they jerks just because of that? They’re jerks, or just did a jerky thing? They’re jerks, or just did something you didn’t like? They’re jerks, or just FHBs like the rest of us?

251. Dr. Albert Ellis A Activating Event 1 or 2 B Beliefs (recognize) 3
C Consequences (feel, do) or 2
D Dispute (correct)
E Effective Coping Statement
F Functional Amt. of Emotion
G Generate Options
H Healthier, Happier, Hopeful

252. Effective Coping Statements It’s not the end of the world It’s not that big a deal It’s over and done with They can say whatever they want to People can believe whatever they want The only person I control is me I’ve survived worse It’s my choice how I want to feel

253. Tool #10 Understand why change is hard and what it takes

256. Cognitive, Emotional & Behavioral RUTS

257. It becomes AUTOMATIC to think, feel, say or do something

258. RUTS Why people recreate their past It’s why peoples’ history becomes their destiny That could be a good thing or a bad thing

259. Very Important Once RUTS get created you can’t get rid of them You can only make NEW ONES

260. Make a new connection or pathway
To change we need to
Make a new connection or pathway
To think, feel, say and do things differently
Use it untils it becomes a RUT
And can compete with your old ones

261. You can always slip back into your old RUTS

262. Understandable Part of being human

263. “The problems of man are man-made. They can be solved by man” John F
“The problems of man are man-made. They can be solved by man” John F. Kennedy

264. Active Parenting Event > Think > Feel > Do > “Problem”

265. “You can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it” Albert Einstein

267. You Tube Channel: itsjustanevent Mental and Emotional Fitness Parts #1-13