1. LESSON 7 PARENT AND SURROGATE PARENT AUTHORITIES USE OF PROHIBITIONS Under Construction

3. 1. A. PROHIBITIONS 1. HARSH: Brief main, command verbs with negative superlative modifiers at the beginning of the sentence. Example: "Don't you ever do that again." Often with threats of bodily harm or severe psychological or material consequences. Usually uttered in a loud voice with curse words and labeling the person with curse words and with negative, superlative modifiers: "You are the worst; you are so unbelievably bad; etc." "Damn you little ____, if you ever do that, you'd better not ever, or I'll kick your ____." 2. Abrupt: Brief, bold, action verbs are at the beginning of the prohibition. Usually includes a sense of urgency, a deadline or time condition, and threats of punishment, or grounding, for non-compliance. "STOP. Don't ever do that. Quit.", sometimes with swearing, bringing up past, labeling the person, attributing incorrigible traits or characteristics to the person. "You always do what you're not supposed to, you're such a ____, I better not find out that you've disobeyed me again!" 3. Peremptory: "You + shall or will + not or never"; "No you won't!, shall not, will not!, You'd better not ever!" There is a sound of impatience and anger or irritation. There is a strong implication of distrust and disrespect. Punishment or negative consequences are specified in case of failure to comply. Rebuttal or discussion is precluded, even for alternatives or substitutes. 4. Moderately Peremptory: The emphasis is upon one's authority over the child. Initial phrases are such as: " You must not; You will have to stop; You must never; Never, never, ever do...; You can not..." Some slight degree of exceptions or tolerance or lack of perfect compliance is sometimes allowed. Usually, moderate threats of punishment or negative consequences, such as, "if you do, then you will have to, you will not get to, you will have to, I will make you,..... 5. Pressure: "I really do not want you to; I really disapprove of that so you are not going to; I will be very upset with you. You had better not disappoint me in this; You must not upset so and so by doing that!"

4. PROHIBITIONS 6. Mild pressure, SOCIAL Pressure: "People in our family do not do that sort of thing; I never did that when I was your age; I'm surprised you would ask; That the kind of thing only `_____' would do, no I can't have you doing that sort of thing! It will really make me (us) look bad if you do that! What would people think (about us) if they knew you were doing that sort of thing?". 7. Influence: "I would rather you didn't; Please don't do that; Why don't you do something else; I really do not think that is a good idea; If you will not do that, then I will (promising an inducement for compliance)." Let's discuss what should be done here; let's talk about the pros and cons of this. There is a suggestion of negotiation and rational compromise possible in this case. The decision is of mutual or family concern. 8. Strong Suggestion: "You couldn't": used to suggest inconsistency with one's character as a means of controlling the person. "I know you are not the kind of person that would do that. I'm really surprised at you that you would think of such a thing, who put you up to that?" This avoids the tone of authoritarianism but puts a general moral authority in its place. 9. Moderate Suggestion: Sometimes the suggestion appears as "You can not do that, you are not that sort of person; why on earth would you even think that would be OK?", implying that you are forbidden and suggesting that you will comply because it is inconsistent with one's personality. The authority, however, owns responsibility for his judgment that the act is not acceptable. 10. Mild Suggestion: "You might consider not doing that! Think it over carefully, I'm sure you will see my point of view and not do that!" The implication is that, if the person defies the prohibition, the reflection is on his weak character or poor judgment and not on the lack of responsible guidance from the parent.

5. PROHIBITIONS 11. Permissive but Strong Request: The form `You may not' is paradoxically used as an abrupt prohibition and often also as a diplomatic, polite prohibition. Spoken in a light hearted, kidding way, subtly suggests the possibility of permission, thus leaving the child in a state of confusion: if he defies he might be damned but if he complies he might be ridiculed. The choice seems to be up to him, but the outcome in the end can be at the whim of the authority. 12. Moderate Request: Somewhere between influencing and begging, usually with "pleases" as "Will you please try and stop doing that!" 13. Mild Request: Pleadingly: "Would you not, or would you try and stop, would you please try and avoid. Do you think you could maybe not do that, at least this time?; I'm sorry, I really do not want to upset you, but I really feel you shouldn't; Don't you think it would be better if you didn't?" "If you just have to, then please be sure that _________________!" The latitude being allowed here is probably designed to prevent the authority from having to meet out consequences for non-compliance, or to avoid the possibility of knowing for sure whether or not there was genuine compliance. 14. Polite Request: When "Can you" or "Could you" plus "please not!" are used with prohibition in a polite but hopeless manner, the suggestion is that which is being forbidden is something the person has a strong compulsion to do and probably will not respect the wishes of the authority. There is a sarcastic implication that perhaps the person lacks the strength of character to stop, and to avoid such an implication, he must stop. For example: "Can you, if you can find it within your power, please refrain from...!" However, the point is to remove from the authority the sense that they are ineffectual as an authority, the cause, rather, is in the subordinate, which almost pushes the person toward disobedience. 15. Ultra-Polite Request: The prohibition at this level is spoken as though it were a completely unwarranted encroachment on the other person's rights. "I know you are going to think this is unreasonable or rude of me, I hate to impose, please forgive me for asking, but could you... ; I will try to make up for it in some way; thank you so very much, I'm so sorry I asked."

6. PROHIBITIONS Just as you did with the Commands, describe the situations or occasions in which the prohibition language listed below is used. Describe the persons and their roles involved in these situations. Indicate frequency of occurrence. Add comments or your own version that will help clarify what is happening in this interaction. ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

8. Type of Surrogate Parental Role, Basis for Authority and Control, and Strategy What is the ‘standing’ of Parents in each others eyes, in the eyes of other parents and with other relevant adults and extended family in the child’s environment? Who has the role of Control and who has the role of disciplinarian? functions of parents and parent figures. What does each parent define as the reason for child to obey them? How does each parent describe the source of their power or authority? How do they defend their right to exercise authority? Do the Parents rely upon alliances with outsiders for support for their position, and control and disciplinary actions and strategies. Do the Parents divide up the domains that are subject to their control and domains that are exempted from their control? Are the Parents threats for enforcing control and threats for discipline different from their demonstrated strategies of control and discipline? What are choice of types of consequences used by each Parents? Do they use material or psychological rewards and costs? Do they use restrictions from preferred activities? Do they use time permitted and/or time prohibited for preferred activities? Do the use granting or withholding privileges or imposing duties or exempting from duties as consequences? What is the Parent’s style or manner of administering control and discipline? Are the Parents more focused on the teen’s growth or on their gaining the teen’s obedience? Are the Parents more oriented to controlling the performance of tasks or not engaging in prohibited activities? Perception of authority among parents and relevant present adults. Perception of parental figures in terms of behavior to be expected from each. Understanding of reasons for obedience and conditions under which obedience is obligatory versus contingent. Perception of alliances and actual sources of support and learning the art of leverage. Perception of domains legitimately evoking reflex obedience, optional domains, and domains of complete self determination. Differentiation of strategies with consequence versus gestures with no consequence. Perception of and evaluation of relative values attained through defiance versus costs in terms of parental choice of type consequences. Perception of parents’ ‘ child’ versus ‘ obedience’ orientation and cognitive orientation to parents’ communications. Parent Role, Basis, and Strategy Teen’s Cognitive-Behavioral Learning