1. Purpose of stating Goals It is more clear, upfront and direct. It offers a departure point. It orients the listener (and you). It prevents “hidden agendas” (i.e., claim your wants). It prevents sliding into a conversation (i.e., testing). It provides direction and focus

2. We don’t want to know what we already know We tend to seek pleasure and avoid pain (and the truth that lies within). We typically start with the safest, most doable, goal. It is the presence and safety of “partnership” that beckons us to go deeper.

3. We don’t know what we have yet to discover. As we “peel the onion” we discover deeper levels and new insights. This “emergent truth” needs to be incorporated with our “planned agenda”. The fidelity to truth as we have known it, and the truths we are discovering, are equally important.

4. We don’t know how our partner will also shape the goal. They bring their wants and needs to the table. Partners have equal say. This conversation involves you, the other person, and the relationship. In a partnership truth and intention are co-created.

5. Journey and destination are inextricably bound. Yesterday’s journey is the context for today’s goals. It is the goals we set today that shape the journey we take tomorrow. How we walk the journey is often more important than the destination we claim.

6. Claiming the goal is as important as letting it go. Holding on gives us focus. Holding on gives us direction. Holding on preserves our passion. Holding on provides integration. Letting go enables discovery and insight. Letting go enables surprise and new perspectives. Letting go enables new feelings, thoughts and perspectives. Letting go opens the doors for change and conversion.

7. Surprise is a tell-tale sign of a living conversation. This is where “new” is born. This is where “change” happens. This is where “creativity” exists. This is what provides “freedom” from being stuck. Surprise and confusion are the “harbingers of change”.

8. Goals are met in crooked lines, because: We don’t want to know what we already know. We don’t know what we have yet to discover. We don’t know how this person will help shape the direction and purpose of the conversation. The journey and the destination are inextricably bound. Claiming the goal is as important as letting it go. Surprise is tale-tale sign of a living conversation.

9. Criteria for viable Goals Purposeful Substantive Here and now Relational Specific Conversational

10. Examples of Insufficient Goals I want to talk about this because you told me I had to talk about something. I just need to get this off my chest. I want to talk with you because you have had a similar experience and can understand how I feel. I want to talk about this so that I will be more known. I want to talk with you to get your advice.

11. When preparing, ask yourself… Why now? Why this person? How might this conversation affect your relationship? What specifically would you hope to gain? How do you imagine they might respond and what might be their agenda in this as well?

12. Goals are met in crooked lines, because: We don’t want to know what we already know. We don’t know what we have yet to discover. We don’t know how this person will help shape the direction and purpose of the conversation. The journey and the destination are inextricably bound. Claiming the goal is as important as letting it go. Surprise is a tale-tale sign of living conversations.