1. Improving communication Climates
Chapter topics
Communication Climate: The Key to Positive Relationships
Defensiveness: Causes and Remedies
Saving Face

2. Communication Climate
Refers to the emotional tone of a relationship
Levels of Message Confirmation
Confirming Communication
Describes messages that convey valuing
Disconfirming Communication
Describes messages that show a lack of regard

3. Communication Climate
Disconfirming Messages
Impervious Responses
Doesn’t acknowledge the other person’s message
Interrupting
Beginning to speak before the other person has finished
Irrelevant Responses
A comment unrelated to what the other person has just said

4. Communication Climate
Disconfirming Messages
Tangential Responses
The speaker uses the other’s remarks as a starting point to shift the conversation
Impersonal Responses
Loaded with clichés and other statements that never truly respond to the speaker
Ambiguous Responses
Contain messages with more than one meaning, leaving the other party unsure

5. Communication Climate
Disconfirming Messages
Incongruous Responses
Contains two messages that seem to deny or contradict each other.
“Darling, I love you.”
“I love you, too.” (Said in a monotone while watching TV)
Disagreeing Messages
Aggressiveness
Complaining
Argumentativeness

6. Communication Climate
Confirming Messages
Recognition
Recognize the other person
Acknowledgement
Includes asking questions, paraphrasing and reflecting
Endorsement
The most obvious form of endorsement is agreeing

7. Communication Climate
How Communication Climates Develop
When two people start to communicate, a relational climate begins to develop
Verbal and nonverbal communication can be climate-shaping
After a climate is formed, it can take on a life of its own and become a self-perpetuating spiral

8. Communication Climate
Spirals
A reciprocating communication pattern in which each person’s message reinforces the others

9. Communication Climate
Spirals
Escalatory conflict spirals
A: (Mildly irritated) “Where were you? I thought we agreed to meet here a half-hour ago.”
B: (Defensively) “I’m sorry. I got hung up at the library. I don’t have as much free time as you do.”
A: “I wasn’t blaming you, so don’t get so touchy.”
B: “Who’s getting touchy? I just made a simple comment.”

10. Communication Climate
Spirals
De-escalatory conflict spirals
Rather than fighting, parties slowly lessen their dependence on each other, withdraw and become less invested in the relationship
Rarely go on indefinitely
Most relationships pass through cycles of progression and regression

11. Defensiveness: Causes and Remedies
Face-Threatening Acts
Messages that seem to challenge the image we want to project
Defensiveness becomes the process of protecting our presenting self, our face
Preventing Defensiveness in Others
Jack Gibb isolated six types of defense-arousing communication and six contrasting behaviors

12. Defensiveness: Causes and Remedies
The Gibb Categories of Defensive and Supportive Behaviors
Defensive Behaviors
Supportive Behaviors
1. Evaluation
1. Description
2. Control
2. Problem Orientation
3. Strategy
3. Spontaneity
4. Neutrality
4. Empathy
5. Superiority
5. Equality
6. Certainty
6. Provisionalism
Table 10.3 Page 350

13. Defensiveness: Causes and Remedies
Gibb Categories
Evaluation versus Description
Evaluation: “You don’t know what you’re talking about!”
Description: “I don’t understand how you came up with that idea.”
Evaluation: “This place is a mess!”
Description: “When you don’t clean up, I have to either do it, or live with your mess. That’s why I’m mad!”

14. Defensiveness: Causes and Remedies
Gibb Categories
Control versus Problem Orientation
Controlling: “You need to stay off the phone for the next two hours.”
Problem orientation: “I’m expecting some important calls. Can we work out a way to keep the line open?”
Controlling: “There’s only one way to handle this problem.”
Problem orientation: “Lets work out a solution we can both live with.”

15. Defensiveness: Causes and Remedies
Gibb Categories
Strategy versus Spontaneity
Strategy: What are you doing Friday after work?”
Spontaneity: “I have a piano I need to move Friday after work. Can you give me a hand?”
Strategy: “Tom and Judy go out to dinner every week.”
Spontaneity: “I’d like to go out to dinner more often.”

16. Defensiveness: Causes and Remedies
Gibb Categories
Neutrality versus Empathy
Neutral: “That’s what happens when you don’t plan properly.”
Empathic: “Ouch – looks like this didn’t turn out the way you expected.”
Neutral: “Sometimes things just don’t work out. That’s the way it goes.”
Empathic: “I know you put a lot of time and effort into this project.”

17. Defensiveness: Causes and Remedies
Gibb Categories
Superiority versus Equality
Superior: “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Equal: “I see it a different way.”
Superior: “No, that’s not the right way to do it!”
Equal: “If you want, I can show you a way that has worked for me.”

18. Defensiveness: Causes and Remedies
Gibb Categories
Certainty versus Provisionalism
Certain: “That will never work!”
Provisional: “I think you’ll run into problems with that approach.”
Certain: “You don’t know what you’re talking about!”
Provisional: “I’ve never heard anything like that before. Where did you hear it?”

19. Saving Face The Assertive Message Format
The five parts of the assertive message
Behavior
Interpretation
Feeling
Consequence
Intention

20. Saving Face The Assertive Message Format Behavior
Describes the raw material to which you react
Example:
“One week ago John promised me that he would ask my permission before smoking in the same room with me. Just a moment ago he lit up a cigarette without asking for my OK.”
The statement only describe facts
There is no observer meaning attached

21. Saving Face The Assertive Message Format Interpretation
Describes the meaning you’ve attached to the other person’s behavior
Example (two interpretations):
“John must have forgotten about our agreement that he wouldn’t smoke without asking me first. I’m sure he’s too considerate to go back on his word.”
“John is a rude, inconsiderate person. After promising not to smoke around me without asking, he’s just deliberately done so. This shows that he only cares about himself.”

22. Saving Face The Assertive Message Format Feeling
Consider the difference between saying:
“When you laugh at me (behavior), I think you find my comments foolish (interpretation), and I feel embarrassed.”
“When you laugh at me, I think you find my comments foolish, and I feel angry.”
Some statements seem as if they’re expressing feeling but are actually expressing interpretations or statements of intention

23. Saving Face The Assertive Message Format Consequence
What happens as a result of the situation
What happens to you, the speaker:
“When I didn’t get the phone message yesterday (behavior), I didn’t know that my doctor’s appointment was delayed and that I would end up sitting in the office for an hour when I could have been studying or working (consequences). It seems to me that you don’t care enough about how busy I am to even write a simple note (interpretation), and that’s why I’m so mad (feeling).”

24. Saving Face The Assertive Message Format Intention
Can communicate three kinds of messages
Where you stand on an issue
“I want you to know that it bothers me.”
Requests of others
“I’d like to know if you are angry.”
Descriptions of how you plan to act in the future
“I want you to know that unless we clear this up now, you shouldn’t expect me ever to lend you anything again.”

25. Saving Face Using the Assertive Message Format
The elements may be delivered in mixed order
Word the message to suit your personal style
When appropriate, combine two elements in a single phrase
Take your time delivering the message

26. Saving Face Responding Nondefensively to Criticism
Seek more information
Ask for specifics
Guess about specifics
Paraphrase the speaker’s ideas
Ask what the critic wants
Ask about the consequences of your behavior
Ask what else is wrong

27. Saving Face Responding Nondefensively to Criticism
Agree with the critic
Agree with the facts
“You’re right, I am angry.”
“I suppose I was being defensive.”
“Now that you mention it, I did get pretty sarcastic.”
Agree with the critic's perception
“It’s silly to be angry.”
“You have no reason for being defensive.”
“You were wrong to be so sarcastic.”

28. Chapter Review
Communication Climate: The Key to Positive Relationships
Defensiveness: Causes and Remedies
Saving Face