1. Establishing a meaningful relationship CAPS Judy Neighbours, PhD SASS Coordinator

2. Something to think about What have been the most powerful helping relationships you have experienced? Why were they powerful?

3. Carl Rogers Early on we might ask –how can I change this person or give them the right answer Now you might want to think- How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for their own personal growth? It is the person who knows what hurts, what directions to go, what problems are crucial, what experiences have been deeply buried

4. Abraham Maslow If the only tool you have is a hammer You tend to see every problem as a nail

5. B.F. Skinner A failure is not always a mistake. It may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying

6. Albert Ellis Acceptance is not love. You love a person because they have lovable traits, but you accept everybody just because they are alive and human. Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open and rules are flexible.

7. Essentials of a helping relationship You feel trust and safety You feel heard and understood You feel valued and respected You are confronted Your needs are addressed Adjustments are made according to your changing needs

8. What makes a good relationship Building trust, understanding and belief Form an alliance with your student Empathy, non-judgmental and congruent Warmth and engaging attitude Strength and confidence Consistent and dependable Honest and show integrity Show you care

9. Additional requirements Restrain you own personal needs Be careful with self disclosure Resonate what you sense is going on Stay flexible

10. Setting the stage Decide who to include Environment free of distractions Undivided attention and concentration Warmth communicated Listen actively and reflect what you understood Discuss ground rules Work collaboratively Honor their view and ask for feed back

11. Listening Requires trying to understand the world of the other person Showing an empathetic response Non judgmental Unconditional positive regard Avoid interruptions

12. Non verbal encouragers Uh-huh, I see Non-verbal- learning forward, not of head, appropriate facial expressions Being aware of postures Communication of acceptance Facilitates self disclosure

13. What are questions To find out what the other person sees as the problem (not your interpretation) To discover what the other person is experiencing To determine what the other person wants to do about their situation

14. Use of open ended questions Who, what, when, where, how NOT WHY Questions are for further clarification of what the other person said- NOT to fulfill your need for information Helpful in gathering information but less effective than communication of understanding and person BEING HEARD

15. Appropriate questions Tell me more about… What are your feelings about… Who could help… What seems to help… How did you feel about… Will you explain more about… How has it felt to talk about this today?

16. Reflection- a better option Actively listening Clarify and paraphrase Reflect their content and more importantly their feelings Be comfortable with silence What is the person really saying to you- their thoughts and feelings

17. Real listening Paraphrase- rewording their statement to communicate understanding and to encourage discussion ▫So what you are saying is--- ▫I heard you say… Summarize- restating by integrating what the person said about thoughts, feelings and/or behaviors Responding to feelings- find the important feelings Confrontation- JUST a recognition of conflicting messages or inconsistencies

18. Silence You cannot not communicate Learn to sit with some silence if it is helpful to the other person Can be excruciating but it is useful Not a good idea to self disclose even if your intentions are to help them know you had a similar experience- we all experience events differently

19. Roadblocks to listening Giving orders or directions Warning or threatening Giving advice or making suggestions or providing solutions Persuading with logic or lecture Preaching Judging, criticizing, disagreeing or blaming

20. More roadblocks Saying I approve Name calling or shaming Reassuring or sympathizing Questioning and probing for facts Withdrawing, distracting, humoring or changing the subject

21. Summary The goal is to really hear what the other person has to say So listen and attend Try to keep your own mouth shut except to clarify and acknowledge understanding Find out what they want to do about the situation Offer resources but not suggestions