1. The Passion Paradox: Helping Couples Celebrate Difference Pat Love, Ed.D. www.patlove.com Based on the book HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT IT WHY WOMEN TALK AND MEN WALK By Patricia Love, Ed.D. and Steven Stosny, Ph.D.

2. #1 Question:  Can you really love an other?

3. #2 Feelings of worth can only flourish… in an atmosphere where  individual differences are appreciated  mistakes are tolerated,  communication is open,  and rules are flexible - the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.  Virginia Satir Virginia Satir

4. #3 Quick passion killer  Abandon yourself  Become predictable  Give up learning  Discard discovery

5. New love is inherently passionate #4  Dedicated to discovery  Alive and open to new experiences

6. #5 But from the beginning we begin to mold each other…  “You won’t believe how alike we are!”

7. #6 When you “already know me…”  It’s easier to ignore me.

8. #7 It is not our differences that divide us… It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences. Audre Lorde

9. #8 Research fact: Men are taller than women.

10. In the 20 th century#9  “Don’t go there”  Genetic determinist  Sexist  Equated difference with deficient

11. Diversity strengthens#10  Our species  Our culture

12. #11 Honoring difference…  Reduces the dichotomy  Maligning or denying difference  Strengthens it

13. #12 When you are aware of varied innate impulses  You can choose how to act—and improve your connection and communication.

14. The key is connection#13  When people are connected—  They communicate effectively  Are more productive  Are healthier  Happier

15. Testosterone #14  Has been shown to decrease talking  Decrease interest in socializing  Except for sports  Sexual pursuit

16. #15 Do you know the difference between the  MNS  TPJ?

17. #16 Sex can do for the testosterone dominant  What intimate talking does for the estrogen dominate

18. #17 Men are programmed to  Provide  Protect  Please

19. The typical male apology#18  Works not words.

20. The Great Male Dread#19 Failure as a:  Protector  Provider  Lover  Family man Most of his emotional energy goes to avoiding this kind of shame

21. Anger, which numbs#20  Is effective in alleviating shame

22. #21 Emotional and psychological withdrawal  Avoid shame pain

23. Women are programmed#22 To  tend befriend  mend

24. Primary Female Dread#23 Fear of:  Harm  Isolation  Deprivation

25. The female brain#24  Outstanding verbal agility  Ability to connect deeply in friendships  Heightened capacity to read faces, emotions  Ability to diffuse conflict  Memory for relational details

26. Difference:#25  Boys nurture with aggression  Girls are aggressive with their nurturing.

27. Women falling in love say#26 I felt:  Safe, secure  Partner was interested in me  Partner was generous (within means)  Easy to be with

28. When a woman feels fear#27  She wants to move closer

29. When a man feels shame #28  He wants to move away

30. Question for men:#29  Does this make me feel valued and esteemed?  Or look weak, lose status or feel like a failure?

31. Question for women:#30  Will this make me feel valued, safe and connected?  Or afraid or isolated?

32. Only compassion#31  For the others’ vulnerabilities improve relationships and form lasting connections

33. #32 Humans survived through cooperation of the sexes

34. Cooperation requires#33  Respect for differences

35. #34 Contact and understanding lower fear  Alleviates fear pain

36. #35 #1 cause for divorce and/or separation…  Disconnection  #1 cause of disconnection is resentment  #1 cause of resentment is withdrawal of interest

37. When you are aware of your partner’s vulnerability#36  You can improve your connection  Improve your communication  Create love beyond words