2. SESSION 1 Temperament and emotional needs

3. GROUP AGREEMENT What ground rules do we want in this group to help it run smoothly?

4. Increase your confidence in your skills and abilities to ‘parent’ Help the relationship between you and your child be even better than it is now Teach skills for helping your children to be more secure emotionally and to raise their self-esteem Identify the best way to effectively discipline your child TIME OUT FOR PARENTS – THE TEENAGE YEARS AIMS TO:

5. Discuss a variety of issues affecting children and their parents Encourage mutual support Give you tools to help you in your relationship with your child’s other parent or carer Provide you with greater support where you would like it TIME OUT FOR PARENTS – THE TEENAGE YEARS AIMS TO:

6. The goal of parenting Temperament and its impact on behaviour Meeting emotional needs The five love languages SESSION PLAN

7. THE GOAL OF PARENTING To prepare our children for adulthood so they can cope in the outside world.

8. TEMPERAMENT What is temperament? The traits or characteristics you were born with that influence how you behave.

9. EVERY CHILD HAS A UNIQUE TEMPERAMENT Their temperament affects the way they act: How well they adapt to new situations How easily distracted they are How sensitive they are

10. TEMPERAMENT Temperament can be modified but not completely changed. Some temperaments are genuinely much more difficult to cope with for both child and parent, especially if there are additional stresses or challenges.

11. EASY/FLEXIBLE

12. STRONG-WILLED OR SPIRITED

13. SHY OR SLOW TO WARM UP

14. BREAK

15. WHAT CHILDREN REALLY NEED To feel loved and to belong To feel good about themselves To feel they’re good at something To have some boundaries

16. EMOTIONAL NEEDS Acceptance Attention Appreciation Encouragement Affection Respect Support Comfort Approval Security

17. LOVE LANGUAGES Words of affirmation Physical touch Quality time Acts of service Gifts

18. REFLECTION We have got to know each other a bit. We have compiled a group agreement. I have explained the aims of the course. We have thought about the goal of parenting. We have explored temperament. We have looked at meeting children’s emotional needs. We have looked at the five love languages.

19. FOCUS FOR THE WEEK Pick one of your child’s emotional needs that you will actively try to meet for your child this week. Identify specific ways you can try to meet this need. Do something nice for you (or you and your partner).

20. NEXT WEEK We will be looking at why it’s tough being a teenager.

21. SESSION 2 Why it’s tough being a teenager

22. SESSION PLAN Why it’s tough being a teenager Supporting our teenagers Identity and independence Staying connected Boosting our teenagers’ self-esteem

23. WHY IT’S TOUGH BEING A TEENAGER What are the pressures they face? How can we help them?

24. SUPPORTING OUR TEENAGERS How can we help our teenagers with physical changes, school issues and emotional and social changes?

25. BREAK

26. IDENTITY Who am I? Who do I want to be? Which group do I fit into? What am I good at?

27. WHERE DO YOUNG PEOPLE SEEK THEIR IDENTITY? Their role in the family Status symbols Celebrity and sports stars ‘Grown up’ behaviour Cliques and gangs

28. INDEPENDENCE

29. HOW CAN PARENTS HELP THEIR TEEN BECOME MORE INDEPENDENT? Controller to consultant

30. WE NEED TO STAY CONNECTED

31. EATING TOGETHER

32. A teenager with good self-esteem will be able to: Take pride in what they do Act independently Assume responsibility for their actions Tolerate frustration better GOOD SELF-ESTEEM

33. A teenager with low self-esteem is more likely to: Put down their talents and abilities Avoid trying new things Blame others for their shortcomings Find it hard to tolerate frustration Feel emotionally indifferent Be influenced by others LOW SELF-ESTEEM

34. We have looked at some of the pressures teenagers are under today. We have discussed ways we can support our teenagers with some of the issues they face. We have looked at issues concerning teenagers’ identity and independence. We have discussed ways to stay connected with our teenagers. We have looked at ways of boosting our teenagers’ self-esteem. REFLECTION

35. Spend individual time with one child doing an activity. The activity is negotiated. Try to give your full attention. Both review at the end. FOCUS FOR THE WEEK

36. NEXT WEEK We will look at parenting styles and how the way we are affects the way our teenagers behave.

37. SESSION 3 Parenting styles

38. Consistency Encouraging responsibility House rules SESSION PLAN

39. It’s important to understand our own style as the way we are affects the way our teenagers behave. Our parenting style is usually ‘caught’ from our own parents or caregivers. Looking at parenting styles can be quite challenging. It may raise memories from the past as well as shed light on the present. PARENTING STYLES

40. AUTHORITARIAN

41. PERMISSIVE

42. AUTHORITATIVE/ASSERTIVE

44. Do you say “No” then back down and say “Yes” if your child persists by nagging or shouting? Does one parent say “Yes” and the other say “No”? Do you make threats to your children and not carry them through? CONSISTENCY

45. BREAK

46. ENCOURAGING RESPONSIBILITY

47. We will phone home if we’re going to be late. Every family member needs to take a share of the household chores. We treat each other with respect.

48. We have looked at the different types of parenting styles. We have considered the importance of consistency in parenting. We have looked at ways of encouraging responsibility in our teenagers. We have looked at house rules as a framework for what goes on in our homes. REFLECTION

49. A family meeting At home this week with your family, I want you to decide on some house rules. To do this you will need to have a family meeting. Each person suggests one house rule Can’t agree? Negotiate a compromise Write up the house rules and display them where the can be seen FOCUS FOR THE WEEK

50. NEXT WEEK Next week we’ll be looking at ways to improve communication.

51. SESSION 4 Communication

52. Introduction to communication Listening to your teenager Understanding body language Reflecting back with empathy SESSION PLAN

53. THE PROBLEM

54. Asking too many questions Being bossy Lecturing Criticising and shaming Jumping to conclusions Threatening and shouting Always knowing best BLOCKS TO COMMUNICATION

55. LISTENING TO YOUR TEENAGER Being listened to feeds directly into the love languages of ‘words’ and ‘time’ and also the ‘gift’ of our presence. If our child’s love language is one of these three, then not being listened to may have an even greater impact.

56. BREAK

57. BODY LANGUAGE People communicate their feelings by the way they appear (body language) as well as by what they say.

58. BODY LANGUAGE

59. EMPATHY

60. You don’t seem yourself today. Are you ok? I’m here if you want to talk. WHAT WE CAN SAY

61. We have looked at communication as a two-way thing. We have discussed the importance of really listening to our teenagers. We have considered ways in which we can improve our listening skills through: understanding body language, showing empathy, creating opportunities to listen and learning to reflect back feelings. REFLECTION

62. FOCUS FOR THE WEEK 1. Do something nice for you It could be having a chat and a coffee with a partner or friend, a bath by candlelight, a trip to the shops or the cinema…anything! 2. How well do you know your kids? Have a conversation with your child and practice good listening skills. Use the questionnaire ‘How well do you know your kids?’ to open up a conversation.

63. NEXT WEEK Next week we will look at communicating our thoughts and wishes with respect and the value of negotiating, a skill that prepares our teenager for adult life.

64. SESSION 5 Handling conflict

65. Communicating respectfully Conflict Negotiation Choose your battles Consequences SESSION PLAN

66. COMMUNICATING RESPECTFULLY Sometimes our teenagers’ wishes and ours do not coincide!

67. ‘I’ MESSAGES When you… I feel… Because… What I’d like to happen next time.

68. WHY CONFLICT IS NORMAL

69. BULL IN A CHINA SHOP

70. ANYTHING FOR A QUIET LIFE

71. THE SILENT SEETHER

72. Try to understand child’s point of view and are willing to negotiate. Voice their concerns. Accept temporary unpopularity. Aim for a win-win solution. Choose their battles. AUTHORITATIVE PARENTS

73. THE AIM OF NEGOTIATION Parent’s needs and wishes Young person’s needs and wishes win

74. 1.Stick to the main issue. 2.Try to understand their point of view. 3.Say what you feel and what you would like to happen. 4.Ask how your teen feels and what they would like to happen. 5.Discuss options and try to find a win-win solution. HOW TO NEGOTIATE

75. BREAK

76. CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES What happens if you try to fight every battle? Which battles do you think it is important to fight and why?

77. NATURAL CONSEQUENCES Natural consequences happen if we don’t take action or ‘rescue’ our child. It means standing back and allowing our child to learn from their mistakes.

78. LOGICAL, SMART CONSEQUENCES SMART consequences need to be: Specific Measurable Attainable Realistic Time-bound

79. We have looked at positive ways of communicating our feelings to our teenagers. We have considered the reasons why conflict occurs. We have talked about different styles of handling conflict. We have looked at consequences and sanctions we could put in place if needed. REFLECTION

80. FOCUS FOR THE WEEK Identify an area of conflict you have with your teenager. Using what you have learned this week, plan a fresh approach.

81. NEXT WEEK Next week we’ll be looking at three big issues of sex and relationships, alcohol and other drugs, and money and debt.

82. SESSION 6 The big issues

83. Message in Message out Knowing the facts Developing positive relationships Saying “no” SESSION PLAN

84. LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX Think back to when you were 16. What one thing about sex do you wish your parents or carers had told you?

85. MESSAGE IN When it comes to the three big issues who are their best travelling companions? The school? Their friends? The TV and internet? Magazines? Their parents?

86. MESSAGE OUT What messages do you want to communicate to your teenagers about these issues?

87. GOOD COMMUNICATIONS “A teenager will give up on his parents if he feels they are too busy in their own world to help him shape his.” John Souter

88. BREAK

89. We don’t need to be experts. We do need to know where to look for advice and information. We need to be confident that anything we say is correct. KNOWING THE FACTS

90. DEVELOPING POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS

91. SAYING “NO” Teenagers need to understand how to deal with the signals their body is giving them when they feel emotionally or sexually aroused. How do they handle a beating heart, sweaty palms, that feeling in the pit of the stomach? Does it mean they have to say yes?

92. Is your emotional or physical state affecting your ability to decide? Are you sticking to your personal beliefs? Have you had enough time to think about it? If your first instinct is to say “no”, think hard about being persuaded to change your mind against your will. MAKING UP YOUR MIND

93. We have considered some of the difficult topics we need to talk to teenagers about. We have discussed where young people get their messages. We have looked at the messages we want to communicate to our teenagers. We have talked about the importance of our teenagers knowing the facts. We have discussed ways to help teenagers develop positive relationships. REFLECTION

94. FOCUS FOR THE WEEK Open up a discussion with your teenager on the big issue of money and how they prioritise their spending.

95. NEXT WEEK We will be looking at the possible goals behind our children’s behaviour and thinking about the way we build strong family through family traditions and the memories they create.

96. SESSION 7 Building strong families

97. Goals behind behaviour Family values, traditions and memories SESSION PLAN

98. HIDDEN GOALS BEHIND BEHAVIOUR Seeking attention Power and control Revenge Excitement and thrill Pity Approval

99. BREAK

100. MY FAMILY VALUES What values do you want to pass on to your children? What are your hopes for your family?

101. CREATING MEMORIES WITH FAMILY TRADITIONS What memories do you have of family traditions?

102. We’ve thought about different temperaments and how we can meet our children’s emotional needs by using their love languages. We’ve recognised that it’s tough being a teenager with all the physical, emotional and brain changes that are happening. We’ve recognised that, as parents, we have a vital role to play and that our teenagers really need us to stay connected. REFLECTION

103. We’ve considered our own style of parenting and recognised that being both warm and having clear boundaries is the style to aim for. We’ve learnt that good listening, even at inconvenient times, is important. We’ve looked at negotiation skills to help us when conflict arises, recognising that there will be times when we need to enforce our parental authority and carry through sanctions we have agreed. REFLECTION

104. THANK YOU FOR COMING www.careforthefamily.org.uk