1. Dealing With Anger and Social Boundaries “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. Buddhist Quote Some Material Compiled and edited from Skillstreaming for the Adolescent, 5 Against the Law, NO B.O., and How Rude Created by Chris Preston

3. Do you have a problem with social boundaries? If you have ever been in trouble at school or at home because of how you talked to or touched someone If you have ever been in trouble at school or at home because of how you talked to or touched someone If you want to find friends and fit in socially but keep making mistakes that make that really hard If you want to find friends and fit in socially but keep making mistakes that make that really hard

4. There are 5 levels of behavior. 1 Very informal social behavior (this is where you want to be when you meet someone: Say hello, wave, smile) You feel relaxed and in control 1 Very informal social behavior (this is where you want to be when you meet someone: Say hello, wave, smile) You feel relaxed and in control 2 Reasonable behavior (this is when you are play games with people) You feel happy and social and want to meet people 2 Reasonable behavior (this is when you are play games with people) You feel happy and social and want to meet people 3 Odd behavior (this behavior makes people uncomfortable) You are acting a little to silly, or rude 3 Odd behavior (this behavior makes people uncomfortable) You are acting a little to silly, or rude 4 Scary behavior (this includes swearing, staring, being in someone’s personal space) You are very rude or angry 4 Scary behavior (this includes swearing, staring, being in someone’s personal space) You are very rude or angry 5 Physically hurtful or threatening behavior (Level 5 can get you hurt, arrested, suspended or fired) You scare people and they don’t trust you or want to be around you 5 Physically hurtful or threatening behavior (Level 5 can get you hurt, arrested, suspended or fired) You scare people and they don’t trust you or want to be around you

5. Knowing the 5 levels It is important to know your level. It is important to know your level. If you are at a 3, 4 or 5 you need to find a way to get to 1 or 2 If you are at a 3, 4 or 5 you need to find a way to get to 1 or 2 You should be able to tell people you are having a bad day or find a way to deal with your problem before you do something you will regret You should be able to tell people you are having a bad day or find a way to deal with your problem before you do something you will regret Make a list of people you trust or think you could talk to Make a list of people you trust or think you could talk to Suggestions Suggestions –School Counselor –SSD Case Manager –Co-Worker –Classmate –Brother or Sister –Cousin –Mom and Dad –Grandma or Grandpa –Therapists

6. Knowing Your Feelings Tune in to what is going on in your body that helps you know what you are feeling Tune in to what is going on in your body that helps you know what you are feeling Decide what happened to make you feel that way Decide what happened to make you feel that way Decide what you could call the feeling Decide what you could call the feeling

7. How do you feel? Your body or mind might be sending a message before you realize something is wrong or make a mistake Your body or mind might be sending a message before you realize something is wrong or make a mistake These are all signs of troubling feelings These are all signs of troubling feelings –Are you clenching your fists –Are you feeling tension in your shoulders –Are you feeling like you are not a good person –Are you thinking sad thoughts –Are you thinking about the world if you were not in it and how people would act without you around –Are you giggling a lot –Are you really tired –Does your stomach hurt –Does your head hurt

8. Using Self Control Tune in to what is going on in your body that helps you know how you are about to lose control of yourself Tune in to what is going on in your body that helps you know how you are about to lose control of yourself Decide what happened to make you feel this way Decide what happened to make you feel this way Think about ways in which you might control yourself Think about ways in which you might control yourself Choose the best way to control yourself and do it Choose the best way to control yourself and do it

9. Expressing your feelings appropriately Tune in to what is going on in your body Tune in to what is going on in your body Decide what happened to make you feel that way Decide what happened to make you feel that way Decide what you are feeling Decide what you are feeling Think about the different ways to express your feeling and pick one Think about the different ways to express your feeling and pick one Express your feeling Express your feeling

10. Expressing your feelings inappropriately Punching and screaming is inappropriate This gesture is expressive but not helpful. Swearing feels good but can make people angrier and get you in more trouble

11. You may feel like this You should look like this Expressing Anger You may feel like this You should look like this You may want to break stuff but it will end up looking like this

12. Expressing and Changing Your Feelings or “Level” Make a list of people you trust and can talk to Make a list of people you trust and can talk to Exercise Exercise Talking to someone will help you express your feelings Talking to someone will help you express your feelings Talking will make you feel better and sometimes change your mood Talking will make you feel better and sometimes change your mood Talking lets other people know how you feel so they can help or stay away Talking lets other people know how you feel so they can help or stay away Listen to music Listen to music Watch TV Watch TV Watch a movie Watch a movie Talking to people may help you realize that they have problems too or feel the same way Talking to people may help you realize that they have problems too or feel the same way Sometimes you need to be alone Sometimes you need to be alone Sometimes you need to work through it Sometimes you need to work through it Sometimes you can’t fix it Sometimes you can’t fix it Play a game Play a game Work on a hobby or project you enjoy. Some people like to organize stuff or clean. Work on a hobby or project you enjoy. Some people like to organize stuff or clean. Figure out a neutral spot in the area where you can calm down and maybe shout Figure out a neutral spot in the area where you can calm down and maybe shout Hit a pillow Hit a pillow

13. It’s Too Late! We all lose control sometime and that is okay. The key is handling the situation appropriately afterwards. We all lose control sometime and that is okay. The key is handling the situation appropriately afterwards. These are the steps to getting out of trouble These are the steps to getting out of trouble –1. Apologize –2. Take a minute to cool off. Depending on what happened you may need to excuse yourself so you can calm down or the other person can calm down. –3. Listen to what the other person is saying, even if they are yelling at you. They are upset too and have a right to express themselves just like you do. –4. Wait your turn to talk. Getting defensive only makes it worse and makes you seem more guilty. –5. Try to fix the situation. If you broke something, offer to fix it or pay for it. –6. Realize that there is a consequence. Every action has a reaction. –7. Apologize again.

14. Apologizing Decide if it would be best for you to apologize for something you did Decide if it would be best for you to apologize for something you did Think of the different ways you could apologize Think of the different ways you could apologize Choose the best time and place to apologize Choose the best time and place to apologize Make your apology Make your apology

15. Getting Ready for a Difficult Conversation Think about how you feel during the conversation Think about how you feel during the conversation Think about how the other person will feel Think about how the other person will feel Think about different ways you could say you want to say Think about different ways you could say you want to say Think about what the other person might say back to you Think about what the other person might say back to you Think about any other things that might happen during the conversation Think about any other things that might happen during the conversation Choose the best approach you can think of and try it Choose the best approach you can think of and try it

16. Dealing with an Accusation Think about what the other person has accused you of Think about what the other person has accused you of Think about why the person might have accused you Think about why the person might have accused you Think about ways to answer the person’s accusation, appropriately. Think about ways to answer the person’s accusation, appropriately. Choose the best way and do it Choose the best way and do it

17. Understanding the feelings of others Watch the other person Watch the other person Listen to what the other person is saying Listen to what the other person is saying Figure out what the person might be feeling Figure out what the person might be feeling Think about ways to show you understand what he/she is feeling Think about ways to show you understand what he/she is feeling Decide on the best way and do it Decide on the best way and do it

18. Answering a Complaint Listen to the complaint Listen to the complaint Ask the person to explain anything you don’t understand Ask the person to explain anything you don’t understand Tell the person that you understand the complaint Tell the person that you understand the complaint State your ideas about the complaint, accepting the blame if appropriate State your ideas about the complaint, accepting the blame if appropriate Suggest what each of you could do about the complaint Suggest what each of you could do about the complaint

19. Deciding What Caused a Problem Define what the problem is Define what the problem is Think about possible causes of the problem Think about possible causes of the problem Decide which are the most likely causes of the problem Decide which are the most likely causes of the problem Check out what really caused the problem Check out what really caused the problem

20. Dealing with someone Else’s Anger Listen to the person who is angry Listen to the person who is angry Try to understand what the angry person is saying and feeling Try to understand what the angry person is saying and feeling Decide if you can say or do something to deal with the situation Decide if you can say or do something to deal with the situation If you can, deal with the other person’s anger. If you can, deal with the other person’s anger. –Example: Ask them if they want to talk or if you can help at all.

21. Avoiding Trouble with Others Decide if you are in a situation that might get you into trouble Decide if you are in a situation that might get you into trouble Decide if you want to get out of the situation Decide if you want to get out of the situation Tell the other people what you decided and why Tell the other people what you decided and why Suggest other things you might do Suggest other things you might do Do what you think is best. It is okay to walk away or make an excuse. Do what you think is best. It is okay to walk away or make an excuse.

22. Arranging Problems by Importance Think about the problems that are bothering you Think about the problems that are bothering you List these problems from most to least important. List these problems from most to least important. Do what you can to hold off on your less important problems Do what you can to hold off on your less important problems Go to work on your most important problems Go to work on your most important problems

23. Dealing with Embarrassment Decide if you are feeling embarrassed Decide if you are feeling embarrassed Decide what happened to make you feel embarrassed Decide what happened to make you feel embarrassed Decide on what will help you feel less embarrassed and do it Decide on what will help you feel less embarrassed and do it

24. Dealing with fear Decide if you are feeling afraid Decide if you are feeling afraid Think about what you might be afraid of Think about what you might be afraid of Figure out if the fear is realistic Figure out if the fear is realistic Take steps to reduce your fear Take steps to reduce your fear

25. A Conflict or a “fight” Between two people B Two people forgive each other or admit they were wrong Compromise If no on admits they are wrong, find a solution to end the conflict that is fair to both people involved in the conflict A B C…ompromise The 3 phases of a conflict

26. Appropriate BehaviorInappropriate Behavior  Behavior 1  Behavior 2  Behavior 3  Behavior 4  Behavior 5  Behavior 1  Behavior 2  Behavior 3  Behavior 4  Behavior 5 Consequences and reactions to appropriate behaviors  Behavior 1  Behavior 2  Behavior 3  Behavior 4  Behavior 5 Consequences and reactions to inappropriate behaviors  Behavior 1  Behavior 2  Behavior 3  Behavior 4  Behavior 5 Think about a list of appropriate and inappropriate things. Discuss the chart below.

27. Standing Up For Your Rights Pay attention to what is going on in your body that helps you know that you are dissatisfied and would like to stand up for yourself Pay attention to what is going on in your body that helps you know that you are dissatisfied and would like to stand up for yourself Decide what happened to make you feel dissatisfied Decide what happened to make you feel dissatisfied Think about way in which you might stand for yourself and choose one Think about way in which you might stand for yourself and choose one Stand up for yourself in a direct and reasonable way Stand up for yourself in a direct and reasonable way

28. Standing Up For a Friend Decide if your friend has not been treated fairly by others Decide if your friend has not been treated fairly by others Decide if your friend wants you to stand up for him/her Decide if your friend wants you to stand up for him/her Decide how to stand for your friend Decide how to stand for your friend Stand up for your friend Stand up for your friend

29. Keeping Out of Fights Stop and think about why you want to fight Stop and think about why you want to fight Decide what you want to happen in the long run Decide what you want to happen in the long run Think about other ways to handle the situation besides fighting Think about other ways to handle the situation besides fighting Decide on the best way to handle the situation and do it Decide on the best way to handle the situation and do it

30. Responding to Failure Decide if you have failed at something Decide if you have failed at something Think about why you failed Think about why you failed Think about what you could do to keep from failing another time Think about what you could do to keep from failing another time Decide if you want to try again Decide if you want to try again Try again using your new idea Try again using your new idea

31. Responding to Persuasion Listen to the other person’s on the topic Listen to the other person’s on the topic Decide what you think about the topic Decide what you think about the topic Compare what he/she said with what you think Compare what he/she said with what you think Decide which idea you like better and tell the other person about it Decide which idea you like better and tell the other person about it

32. Responding to Teasing Decide if you are being teased Decide if you are being teased Think about ways to deal with the teasing Think about ways to deal with the teasing –Ignoring it –Telling someone in authority (principal, supervisor) –Telling the person that you don’t appreciate being teased Choose the best way and do it Choose the best way and do it

33. Dealing with Group Pressure Think about what the group wants you to do and why Think about what the group wants you to do and why Decide what you want to do Decide what you want to do Decide how to tell the group what you want to do Decide how to tell the group what you want to do Tell the group what you have decided Tell the group what you have decided