1. Attraction and Close Relationships
Chapter 9
Attraction and Close Relationships

2. Need to Belong: A Fundamental Human Motive

3. The Need to Belong The need to belong is a basic human motive.
We care deeply about what others think of us.
Those with a network of close social ties tend to be happier, healthier, and more satisfied with life than those who are more isolated.

4. Social Media Networks
In the United States, the trend is clear: Since 2006, college students have exhibited a sharp increase in the number of network “friends” they have. Most of this growth comes from an increase in distant and superficial relationships.

5. The Thrill of Affiliation
Need for Affiliation: The desire to establish social contact with others.
We are motivated to establish and maintain an optimum balance of social contact.
Stress arouses our need for affiliation.
“Fearful misery loves company.”
But, “embarrassed misery seeks solitude.”
“Misery loves the company of those in the same miserable situation.”

6. Shyness Sources Painful consequences Inborn personality trait
Learned reaction to failed interactions with others
Painful consequences
Negative self-evaluations
Expectations of failure in social encounters
Self-blame for social failures
Self-imposed isolation

7. The Agony of Loneliness
A feeling of deprivation about social relations.
Most likely to occur during times of transition or disruption.
Loneliest group in American society are those 18 to 30 years old.
We employ various strategies to combat loneliness.

8. The Initial Attraction

9. Perspectives on Attraction
We are attracted to others with whom a relationship is directly or indirectly rewarding.
All humans exhibit patterns of attraction and mate selection that favor the conception, birth, and survival of their offspring.
Evolutionary perspective

10. Familiarity: Being There
Who are we most likely to become attracted to?
Two basic and necessary factors in the attraction process:
Proximity effect
Mere exposure effect

11. The Proximity Effect
The single best predictor of attraction is physical proximity, or nearness.
Where we live influences the friends we make.
College students tend to date those who live either nearby or in the same type of housing as they do.

12. Becoming Friends By Chance
First-year college students were randomly assigned to specific seats for a semester-long class. Illustrating the proximity effect on attraction, those who happened to be seated nearby or in the same row were more likely to rate each other as friends one year later.

13. The Mere Exposure Effect
Contrary to folk wisdom, familiarity does not breed contempt.
The more often we are exposed to a stimulus, the more we come to like that stimulus.
Familiarity can influence our self-evaluations.

14. Virtual Familiarity Breeds Liking
Same-sex pairs of college students were randomly assigned to chat by varying times in a week. The more interactions the participants
had, the more they liked their partner.

15. Virtual Familiarity Breeds Liking
When participants were asked if they wanted to stay in contact after the experiment, the percentage who said yes also increased with the
number of interactions they had.

16. Physical Attractiveness: Getting Drawn In
We react more favorably to others who are physically attractive than to those who are not.
Bias for beauty is pervasive.
Is physical beauty an objective or subjective quality?

17. What is Beauty?
Some argue that certain faces are inherently more attractive than others.
High levels of agreement for facial ratings across ages and cultures.
Physical features of the face are reliably associated with judgments of attractiveness.
Babies prefer faces considered attractive by adults.

18. Is Beauty a Subjective Quality?
People from different cultures enhance their beauty in very different ways.
Ideal body shapes vary across cultures, as well as among racial groups within a culture.
Standards of beauty change over time.
Situational factors can influence judgments of beauty.

19. Romantic Red: The Color of Attraction?
In this experiment, college students rated pictures of women that were set against a solid red or white background. Perhaps illustrating a
learned association between the color red and romance, male students—but not their female counterparts—rated the pictured women as more
attractive in the red background condition. From Elliot, A. J., & Niesta, D., “Romantic red: Red enhances men’s attraction to women,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology vol 95 (p. 1154). Copyright © 2008 by the American Psychological Association. Reprinted by permission.

20. Why Are We Blinded by Beauty?
Inherently rewarding to be in the company of people who are aesthetically appealing.
Possible intrinsic and extrinsic rewards
Tendency to associate physical attractiveness with other desirable qualities.
What-is-beautiful-is-good stereotype

21. When Being Seen Leads to Disbelief
People who believed they were physically unattractive were more likely to cite the quality of their work as the reason
for receiving a positive evaluation when they thought they were seen by the evaluator. However, people who believed
they were attractive were less likely to credit the quality of their work when they thought they were seen.
From Major, B., and Konar, E., “An investigation of sex differences in pay expectations and their possible causes,” Academy of Management
Journal vol 27 (pp. 777–791). Copyright © 1984 by Academy of Management. Reproduced with permission of Academy of Management.

22. Is the Physical Attractiveness Stereotype Accurate?
Good-looking people do have more friends, better social skills, and a more active sex life.
But beauty is not related to objective measures of intelligence, personality, adjustment, or self-esteem.
The specific nature of the stereotype also depends on cultural conceptions of what is “good.”

23. The Benefits and Costs of Beauty
Being good-looking does not guarantee health, happiness, or high self-esteem.
Attributional problems with being good-looking:
Is the attention and praise one receives due to one’s talents or just one’s good looks?

24. Other Costs of Beauty Pressure to maintain one’s appearance.
In American society, pressures are particularly strong when it comes to the body.
Women are more likely than men to suffer from the “modern mania for slenderness.”
Overall, being beautiful is a mixed blessing.
Little relationship between appearance in youth and later happiness.

25. First Encounters: Getting Acquainted
We tend to associate with others who are similar to ourselves.
Four types of similarity are most relevant
Demographic
Attitude
Attractiveness
Subjective Experience

26. A Two-Stage Model of the Attraction Process
Proposed by Byrne and his colleagues (1986), the two-stage model of attraction holds that first we
avoid dissimilar others, and then we approach similar others.

27. Matching Hypothesis
People tend to become involved romantically with others who are equivalent in their physical attractiveness.
Matching is predictive of progress in a relationship.

28. Why Don’t Opposites Attract?
Is there support for the complementarity hypothesis, which holds that people seek others whose needs “oppose” their own?
Research shows that complementarity does not influence attraction.

29. First Encounters: Liking Others Who Like Us
Heider (1958): People prefer relationships that are psychologically balanced.
A state of balance exists when the relationship is characterized by reciprocity.
Mutual exchange between what one gives and what one receives
Liking is mutual, which is why we tend to like others who indicate that they like us.

30. First Encounters: Pursuing Those Who Are Hard to Get
Does the hard-to-get effect exist?
We prefer people who are moderately selective to those who are nonselective or too selective.
We are turned off by those who reject us.
Psychological reactance can increase or decrease attraction.

31. Mate Selection: The Evolution of Desire
Men and women by nature must differ in their optimal mating behaviors.
Women must be highly selective because they are biologically limited in the number of children they can bear and raise in a lifetime.
Men can father an unlimited number of children and ensure their reproductive success by inseminating many women.

32. Sex Differences in Mate Preference
In this study, participants built an ideal mate by “purchasing” characteristics. When they were given a large budget, men spent a somewhat higher percentage of money on physical attractiveness, and women spent somewhat more on social status than on other characteristics. On a low budget, however, men spent even more on physical attractiveness, and women spent even more on social status.
Li et al., © Cengage Learning

33. Supporting Evidence for the Evolutionary Perspective
Universal tendency in desired age for potential mate.
Men tend to seek younger women.
Women tend to desire older men.
Men and women become jealous for different reasons.
Men become most upset by sexual infidelity.
Women feel more threatened by emotional infidelity.

34. Mate Selection: Sociocultural Perspectives
Women trade youth and beauty for money because they often lack direct access to economic power.
Men are fearful of sexual infidelity because it represents a threat to the relationship, not fatherhood issues.
The differences typically found between the sexes are small compared to the similarities.

35. Conspicuous Consumption
If women are drawn to men who have wealth or the ability to obtain it, then it stands to reason that men would flaunt their resources the way the male peacock displays his brilliantly colored tail.

36. Sex Ration Effects on Conspicuous Consumption
After reading that the sex ratio on campus was biased toward more men or more women, male college students rated how
much money they would spend on a Valentine’s Day gift, a dinner date, and an engagement ring. In each case, the perception of
competition led men to see more money as appropriate to spend on mating-related expenditures.
Griskevicius et al., © Cengage Learning

37. Expressions of Love
Male and female stereotypes would suggest that while men are more likely to chase sex, women to seek love

38. Who’s The First To Say “I Love You”?
In one study, people were asked for their beliefs about which partner in a heterosexual relationship—the man or the woman—is more
likely to say “I love you” first. In a second study, men and women who had a past romantic relationship were asked to recall who said
“I love you” first. In a third study, both partners in heterosexual couples were asked to report on their own relationship. Contrary to
our stereotypic belief (left), it appears that men are more likely to confess their love first (center and right).
Ackerman et al., © Cengage Learning

39. Jealousy
Jealousy is a common and normal human reaction, men and women may be aroused by different triggering events

40. Close Relationships

41. Intimate Relationships
Often involve three basic components:
Feelings of attachment, affection, and love
The fulfillment of psychological needs
Interdependence between partners, each of whom has a meaningful influence on the other
How do first encounters evolve into intimate relationships?
By stages or by leaps and bounds?

42. Stimulus-Value-Role Theory
Stimulus Stage: Attraction is sparked by external attributes such as physical appearance.
Value Stage: Attachment is based on similarity of values and beliefs.
Role Stage: Commitment is based on the performance of such roles as husband and wife.

43. How Do Intimate Relationships Change?
Most researchers reject the idea that intimate relationships progress through a fixed sequence of stages.
For reward theories of love, quantity counts.
There are qualitative differences between liking and loving, as well as different forms of love.

44. The Intimate Marketplace: Social Exchange Theory
People are motivated to maximize benefits and minimize costs in their relationships with others.
Relationships that provide more rewards and fewer costs will be more satisfying and endure longer.
The development of an intimate relationship is associated with the overall level of rewards.

45. Relationship Expectations
Comparison Level (CL): Average expected outcome in relationships.
Comparison Level for Alternatives (CLalt): Expectations of what one would receive in an alternative situation.
Investments in relationship increase commitment.

46. Relational Building Blocks
The building blocks of social exchange are rewards, costs, comparison level for alternatives, and investments. These factors are
strongly associated with the satisfaction and commitment partners experience in their relationship.

47. The Intimate Marketplace: Equity Theory
Most content with a relationship when the ratio between the benefits and contributions is similar for both partners.
Balance is what counts.

48. Types of Relationships
Exchange Relationships: Participants expect and desire strict reciprocity in their interactions.
Communal Relationships: Participants expect and desire mutual responsiveness to each other’s needs.

49. Secure and Insecure Attachment Styles
Attachment Style: The way a person typically interacts with significant others.
Is the attachment style we had with our parents related to the attachment style we exhibit in our romantic relationships?
Does the attachment style you endorse today forecast potential outcomes tomorrow?

50. Attachment Styles

51. How Do I Love Thee? Lee’s Love Styles
Primary Love Styles
Eros (erotic love)
Ludus (game-playing, uncommitted love)
Storge (friendship love)
Secondary Love Styles
Mania (demanding and possessive love)
Pragma (pragmatic love)
Agape (other-oriented, altruistic love)

52. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
According to Sternberg, various combinations of passion, intimacy, and commitment
give rise to seven different types of love. (Although it is not shown, the absence of
all three components produces an eighth result, nonlove.)
From Sternberg, R., and Barnes, M. L. (eds.), The Psychology of Love, Yale University Press, 1986.
Copyright © 1986 by Yale University Press. Reprinted by permission.

53. Types of Love (cont.) Rubin (1973) Hatfield et al. (1988)
Liking: The type of feeling one has for a platonic friend.
Loving: The kind of feeling one has for a romantic partner.
Hatfield et al. (1988)
Passionate Love: Romantic love characterized by high arousal, intense attraction, and fear of rejection.
Companionate Love: A secure, trusting, stable partnership.

54. Passionate Love: The Thrill of It
Passionate love requires:
A heightened state of physiological arousal
The belief that this arousal was triggered by the beloved person
Sometimes can misattribute physiological arousal to passionate love.
Process known as excitation transfer
Is the diminishment of passionate love inevitable?

55. Companionate Love: The Self-Disclosure in It
Form of affection found between close friends as well as lovers.
Less intense than passionate love.
But in some respects it is deeper and more enduring.
Characterized by high levels of self-disclosure.
The more emotionally involved, the more self-disclosure

56. Culture, Attraction, and Close Relationships
Are people the same all over the world?
Passionate love is a widespread and universal emotion
Yet passionate loves does not necessarily equate to marriage around the world
Cultural influence on love is complex

57. Relationship Issues: Sexuality
Kinsey’s groundbreaking research during 1940s
Problems with studying sexual activities:
Limitations of self-reports
What does it mean to “have sex”?
Men view the world in more “sexualized” terms.
Gender differences in self-report surveys about sexual attitudes and behaviors.

58. Relationship Issues: Sexual Orientation
Sexual orientation is one’s sexual preference for members of the same sex, opposite sex, or both sexes.
Large scale surveys suggest that
2.8% of men are exclusively homosexual.
2.5% of women are exclusively homosexual.
Incidence of homosexual behavior varies with generations and among cultures.

59. Origins of Sexual Orientation
Little evidence to support many early theories.
Scientific evidence of a biological disposition.
Complex issue
Are roots for sexual orientation the same for men and women?
May be a psychobiological process.

60. The Marital Trajectory
73 percent of American college students surveyed said they would sacrifice most other life goals rather than give up a satisfying relationship.

61. Marital Satisfaction Over Time
In a longitudinal study that spanned 10 years, married couples rated the quality of their marriages. On average, these ratings were high, but they declined among both husbands and wives. As you can see, there were two steep drops, occurring during the first and eighth years of marriage.
From Kurdeck, L. A., “The nature and predictors of the trajectory of change in marital quality for husbands and wives over the first 10 years of marriage,” Developmental Psychology vol 35 (pp. 1283–1296). Copyright © 1999 by the American Psychological Association.
Reprinted by permission.

62. Relationship Issues: Communication and Conflict
Communication patterns in troubled relationships:
Negative affect reciprocity
Demand/withdrawal interaction pattern
Basic approaches to reducing the negative effects of conflict:
Increase rewarding behavior in other aspects of a relationship
Try to understand the other’s point of view

63. Attributions and Quality of Relationship
Happy couples tend to make relationship-enhancing attributions.
Unhappy couples tend to make distress-maintaining attributions.

64. Breaking Up
A relationship is likely to be long-lasting when the couple:
Has incorporated each other into one’s self
Has become interdependent and have invested much into the relationship
But these factors also intensify stress and make coping more difficult after the relationship ends.

65. Changes in Life Satisfaction Before and After a Divorce
In this study, 817 men and women who were divorced at some point rated how satisfied they were with life on a scale of 0 to 10 every year for 18 years. Overall, divorcees were less satisfied than their married counterparts—a common result. On the question of
whether time heals the wound, you can see that satisfaction levels dipped before divorce and rebounded afterward, but did not return to original levels. It appears that people adapt but do not fully recover from this experience. Lucas, © Cengage Learning