1. When Children Push Your Buttons: How to Maintain Your Sanity and Still Be a Good Parent! Dr. Gary Hill

2. Outline I.Introductions II.What is a kid?  Neurology, biology  Executive functioning  Not an adult III.Attachment Connection  Attachment theory  Secure/insecure attachment IV.Ingredients for Effective Parenting V.Discussion

3. What is a Kid? NOT an adult Developmental stages: Boys vs. Girls Neurology, biology Executive functioning

4. Attachment Connection Attachment theory states that all humans have a biological imperative to establish and maintain a connection and emotional bonds with other human beings. Secure emotional bonds developed in childhood lead to the development of resiliency within the personality structure, which is associated with a healthy adaptation to the external environment and promotes positive bonding with significant others.

5. Attachment Secure Attachment –Promotes independence –Confidence –Lack of anxiety –Emotional regulation –Positive self-esteem –Promotes executive functioning: focus, concentration, empathy, organizational skills Insecure Attachment –Invalidating environment –Emotional insensitivity –Anxiety –Emotional dysregulation –Can result in: anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, ADD, school failure

6. Rules, Limits, Consequences, & Rewards Must be specific, concrete, measurable Emphasis on rewards, not consequences Must be 100% consistent If negative behavior is repetitive, then somehow it is being reinforced! Positive reinforcement of good behavior, extinction of negative behavior (remove negative reinforcers) Use few words, do not engage in arguments, discussions, negotiations Use the “illusion of choice” technique Acknowledgement works better than praise Work best when child’s environment is consistent, predictable, safe and nurturing

7. Ingredients for Effective Parenting Do not lecture—they already know! Do not put adult meaning or intention into teenage behavior; they are not adults and do not think like adults! Do not over schedule children. It can lead to stress and self medication. Family environment needs to be safe, nurturing, consistent and predictable. Do set limits! Work on attachment and connection with your child; be there for them, spend consistent in the moment time with your teenager. Schedule consistent family time together. Be a consultant parent. Do not micromanage or practice “in your face” parenting. Parent’s primary job is to provide safety, guide and set limits. Maintain a healthy adult personal life, apart from your children.

8. Parenting Techniques Look at your own family of origin issues and personal vulnerabilities Don’t ever lecture! Don’t talk face-to-face with your teenager, especially with boys Use a car for communication Talk later at night Use 20 questions technique Learn how to set consistent limits Be unpredictable! Don’t ever interfere with natural consequences! Be a parent, not a friend

9. Teenagers and Alcohol/Drug Use 80% of teenagers have consumed alcohol at least once by senior year, with over half doing so by 8 th grade. 50% of high school seniors report getting drunk at least once. 65% have smoked cigarettes by their senior year, and 35% are current smokers. 30% of high school seniors have used marijuana at least once in the previous 12 months. There is a correlation between more chronic drug use and disorders such as depression, ADD/ADHD, and post traumatic stress disorder. Risk factors for drug use increase if there is chronic family stress and dysfunction within the family setting. Risk factors also increase if there is a history of school failure and behavioral problems.

10. Patterns of Alcohol Use Alcohol use among teenagers is different than adult alcohol use. Teenagers engage in more episodic binge drinking and show less tendency to drink steadily as in adult heavy drinkers. Alcohol use problems that are maintained into adulthood are predicted by the existence of teenage acting out problem behaviors and nonconformity and not by the amount of alcohol consumed. Alcohol use in teenagers is much more connected to use in social peer groups and thrill seeking behaviors than in adults. Parental indifference and inconsistency, lack of involvement in their children’s lives and inability to set consistent limits are all risk factors for teenage drug and alcohol use.

11. Resources and Websites www.successbydesign.com www.franklincovey.com www.homework-organizer.com www.alphasmart.com www.timetimer.com www.searchinstitute.com www.creativempowerment.com www.studybuddy.com www.kidscontracts.com