1. CT 410 Advanced Interpersonal Communication Struggling in Relationships

2. gardening metaphor for relationship

3. Miller: assertive message concrete behavior interpretation feelings consequences

4. Cissna and Sieberg: confirming messages recognition acknowledgement endorsement

5. Do interests converge or diverge?

6. Negotiations (Steve’s version) Competitive bargaining Collaborative bargaining Interpersonal bargaining

7. Goals to win mutual benefit greater good, transformation

8. Bargaining Approach competitive outcomes interdependent cooperative, ecologically interdependent

9. What Counts as Evidence? what we want/need objective criteria emotions, reason, empirical evidence, community values

10. Communication Style formal, no trust, hostility collegial, substantial trust dialogic, significant trust & vulnerability, caring

11. Assumptions about Communication communication as container of meaning communication as linkage communication as performance, voice, narrative

12. Assumptions about Structure hierarchical, authority based hierarchical, input encouraged egalitarian, democratic

13. Leadership Behaviors directive participative flexible, servant leadership

14. Standpoint or Location traditional self-interest enlightened self-interest feminist, communitarian

15. Perspective on Bargaining discrete event processual during bargaining process processual, continuously ongoing

16. Question Pious Assumptions

17. use a perspective by incongruity

18. Become aware of your illusions

20. known to self not known to self known to others not known to others open hidden blind unknown johari window

21. Bochner: self disclosure is a highly overrated activity. personal values - Magritte

22. Bochner: long term relationships are maintained by illusions of truth, exaggerations of goodness, and less than full communication

23. Kaminer: we live in a cult of victimage

24. Are we entitled to be happy?... life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

25. relationships need a spirit of improvisation.

26. When might we not be direct, honest and straightforward? hurt feelings cause anger damage relationship lose face

27. equivocation operates under conditions of uncertainty.

28. Julia Wood #2 assertiveyielding constructive destructive exit neglect loyaltyvoice

29. Gender differences in conflict females talk to maintain relationships males become aggressive females enable conversation males get higher blood pressure females are trained to be sensitive males use exit and neglect strategies females use loyalty and voice strategies

30. Harriet Lerner Who is responsible for what???? Kilmann and Thomas Conflict Management Model concern for self non-assertion assertion concern for other non-cooperation cooperation avoidaccomodate competecollaborate compromise

31. identify personal preferences for fight patterns, and discuss this in relationships. avoid accommodate compete compromise collaborate

32. avoid - avoid avoid - accommodate avoid - compete avoid - compromise avoid - collaborate

33. accommodate - accommodate accommodate - compete accommodate - compromise accommodate - collaborate compete - compete

34. compete - compromise compete - collaborate compromise - compromise compromise - collaborate collaborate - collaborate

35. We place responsibility for what happens in a relationship either in ourselves, the other person, or perhaps in the luck of the situation.

36. ponder these: your parent calls and asks how you are doing in your classes. You don’t think you are doing as well as he/she would like you to do.

37. your roommate asks what you think of the bright posters they’ve just put up around the room. You think they are a bit tacky.

38. Your romantic partner asks how many other people you’ve really loved before you met her/him. You don’t want to be truthful.

39. Your boss at work wants to know what your plans for the future are. You plan to leave as soon as you find a better job.

40. Your mother asks you about what your brother/sister has been up to lately. They have been doing something she wouldn’t be happy to hear.

41. Your romantic partner wants to know why you are spending so much time with your other friends. You have been bored with the relationship lately.

42. Gottman - two marriages: his and hers men have a harder time recovering from being upset - blood pressure & heart rate rise higher and stay high longer.

43. physiologically men don’t need to relate to people as much as women...

44. a relation ship... who tends to be in-charge?

45. In order to keep a man engaged in a difficult discussion, a woman often raises the intensity to keep the man responsive.

47. In less than two years, the stepfamily will be the most common form...

48. characteristics of stepfamilies history loss parent-child relationship predates couple relationship differential rituals children live in two households

49. complex extended family network no legal relationship between stepparent and stepchildren relationships are often involuntary

50. issues to be negotiated who are the “real” members? what space is mine? who is in charge? who gets time?

51. A mom’s life... any comments?