1. The Journey Away From Abuse: Conversations With Men and Women About Domestic Violence Marilee Burwash-Brennan, MSW Jane Donovan, MEd Canadian DV Conference, Toronto 2013 bridges@bridgesinstitute.org www.bridgesinstitute.org

2. Journey Away From Abuse Preparing individual women and men for couple conversations Safety/ Responsibility Trust/Respect Communication Shame Forgiveness Couples Conversations

3. Journey Away From Abuse “Healing and Repair” Safety Responsibility Trust Respect Communication Shame Intimacy Forgiveness

4. Safety/ Responsibility Women Blaming herself; relinquishing his responsibility Taking responsibility for her choices re: safety Men Blaming her; accepting responsibility Taking responsibility for emotional safety

5. “ I am learning to slow down myself and feel the feeling and stay with it. For all those years I blocked my feelings as I experienced abuse. There’s only so much that your mind and body can deal with, so you just don’t feel anymore. What I have been doing now when I feel a feeling I don’t want to feel (sadness, anger). I own it. I want to feel it, it makes me alive whether it’s good or bad. I needed a separation period from my partner and then we spent small amounts of time together. You learn to express yourself in small bits. For example, I remember saying I see you are getting upset right now, maybe we should talk about this later. When you see those signs (from his body language) that his upset is subsiding on a consistent basis and he owns what he did and takes responsibility then he can earn trust back.”

6. Trust/Respect Women Trusting herself Trusting him Men Linking values and actions

7. Communication Women Finding voice; expressing anger Taking responsibility for her own communication Men Listening to women’s anger Taking responsibility for his communication/sharing emotions respectfully

8. Shame Women Unhelpful Men Helpful/Unhelpful

9. Forgiveness Women Unhelpful Helpful Men Letter of Apology

10. Couples Conversations Criteria for couples conversations 1.What’s important? What gets in the way? 2.Negative patterns/escalation 3.Confusing/collapsing the past with the present 4.Studying effects of abuse (Internalized other interview) 5.Apology 6.Engagement/ Connection 7.Sex and Intimacy

11. The End Marilee Burwash-Brennan, MSW Jane Donovan, MEd Canadian DV Conference, Toronto 2011 bridges@bridgesinstitute.org www.bridgesinstitute.org