2. Developing Your Conflict Competence

3. After this session, you will be better able to…
Appreciate the importance of developing your skills in conflict competence
Define the basic dynamics of conflict
Understand strategies to more effectively engage in conflict
Identify your personal triggers and hot buttons

4. From the pages of… Becoming a Conflict Competent Leader
By Craig Runde and Tim Flanagan
Developing Your Conflict Competence
Center for Creative Leadership

5. Conflict is…
Any situation in which people have apparently incompatible interests, goals, principles, or feelings.
Triggered by
Precipitating events – someone says or does something that causes us to believe that their interests, goals, principles, or feelings are incompatible with or threatening our own
Hot buttons – situations or behaviors in others that tend to frustrate or irritate us enough to cause us to overreact
Inevitable

6. How do you describe conflict?
Acceptance
Complex
Messy
Aggression
Constructive
Natural
Always there
Costly
Negotiation
Ambivalence
Defensive
Painful
Anger
Differences
Peace
Annoying
Emotional
Resentment
Anxiety
Exhausting
Retaliation
Argue
Fearful
Revealing
Avoid
Fun
Rough
Banter
Harmony
Stressful
Battle
Hate
Synergy
Beneficial
Hide
Tension
Calm
Innovation
Trust
Challenge
Intense
Unavoidable
Chaos
Intimidate
Understanding

7. How do you feel about conflict?

8. Types of Conflict Cognitive Affective
Focused on tasks and problem solving
Seemingly incompatible differences of ideas
Arguments can be spirited, but the emotional tone remains neutral or even positive
Can lead to creativity, energy, higher productivity, and strengthened relationships
Affective
Blaming people or proving the other person is wrong
People feel threatened; typically associated with negative emotional tone and ongoing tension
Can lead to poorer morale, bad decision-making, and destroyed relationships

9. Cost of Conflict Stress Poisoned relationships Wasted time
Lowered morale
Increased turnover
Higher absenteeism
Grievances
Lawsuits
Poisoned relationships
Aggression, retaliation
Harmed reputation
Derailed careers
Anger, fear, defensiveness, negativity, hurt, embarrassment

10. Benefits of Conflict Improved communication Open information sharing
Vigorous creation of ideas
Higher-quality decision making
Improved working relationships
Innovative solutions
Less stress, more fun!

11. What is conflict competence?
The ability to develop and use cognitive, emotional, and behavioral skills that enhance productive outcomes of conflict while reducing the likelihood of escalation or harm

12. 10 Truths of Conflict Competence
Conflict is inevitable and can lead to positive or negative results depending on how it is handled.
While people generally see conflict as negative and prefer to avoid it, better results can emerge from engaging it constructively.
In order to overcome reluctance to address conflict, people need to believe it is important to do so, thus recognizing the tremendous value of managing conflict effectively.

13. 10 Truths of Conflict Competence
Individual conflict competence involves developing cognitive, emotional, and behavioral skills that enable one to cool down, slow down, and engage conflict constructively.
Cognitive skills include developing self-awareness about one’s current attitudes and responses to conflict and an understanding of conflict’s basic dynamics.

14. 10 Truths of Conflict Competence
Emotional skills include understanding one’s emotional responses to conflict, regulating those responses to attain and maintain emotional balance, understanding and responding to the emotions of one’s conflict partners, and, when necessary, slowing down to allow extra time to cool down.

15. 10 Truths of Conflict Competence
Behavioral skills include engaging constructively by understanding others’ perspectives, emotions, and needs; sharing one’s own thoughts, feelings, and interests; collaborating to develop creative solutions to issues; and reaching out to get communications restarted when they have stalled.
Engaging constructively also involves reducing or eliminating the use of destructive behaviors characterized by fight-or-flight responses to conflict.

16. 10 Truths of Conflict Competence
In team settings, conflict competence includes creating the right climate to support the use of the “cool down, slow down, and engage constructively” model among teammates so they can have open and honest discussion of issues. Creating the right climate includes developing trust and safety, promoting collaboration, and enhancing team emotional intelligence.

17. 10 Truths of Conflict Competence
In organizational contexts, conflict competence involves creating a culture that supports the “cool down, slow down, and engage constructively” model. This includes aligning mission, policies, training programs, performance standards, and reward structures to reinforce the conflict competence model. It also includes creating integrated conflict-management systems to support these cultural changes.

18. A conflict-competent leader…
Must be able to self-diagnose and have a high degree of self-awareness in order to handle personal conflicts effectively
Must be an expert observer of others so evidence of conflict can be spotted early
Must be able and willing to intervene in the discussions of, coach, and influence those who are in conflict
Has the ultimate goal to build organizational conflict competence, where all team members are self-monitoring and conflict is viewed for its strategic value

19. The Leader’s Journey to Conflict Competence
Emotional development:
Build awareness of your own responses to conflict and your hot buttons/triggers.
Cognitive development:
Learn mental models and basic dynamics
Behavioral development:
Practice applying new skills. Cool down, slow down, and engage constructively.

20. Engage Constructively
Core Competencies
Engage Constructively
Behavior/Actions
Reaching out
Perspective taking and listening for understanding
Collaborating to create solutions
Sharing your thoughts and feelings
Slow Down
Strategies beyond cooling down to prevent going too far
Cool Down
Strategies to help regulate emotions and regain balance

21. Conflict response is a choice.
Conflict behaviors are learned.
Gut responses are affected by emotions, which can lead to destructive responses to conflict.
Learned choices start from understanding how we typically respond to conflict to see how we are naturally effective and to uncover weak spots.
Conflict responses evolve over time with experience, reflection, and feedback.

22. Emotional Development
How do you currently respond to conflict?
What are your hot buttons and triggers?
How do you regain emotional balance or “cool down”?

23. Exercise: Current Response to Conflict
How often do I face conflict at work?
When conflict occurs, do I prefer to avoid dealing with it or give in to others? Do I come off too aggressively at times?
Do I take time to listen to other people’s thoughts on an issue?
When conflicts emerge, am I aware of my feelings and those of others?
Do I rush to solve problems before I’m sure what the issues are?
Do I collaborate with others to come up with solutions, or do I make most of the decisions
on my own?

24. Behavior (aggression)
Hot Buttons/Triggers
Situations or behaviors which can hold an emotional charge
Once triggered, the person will attribute negative motives to other person, overreact, and set off the retaliatory cycle.
Hot button/ trigger
Perception of threat
Emotion (anger)
Behavior (aggression)

25. Common Hot Buttons
There are several types of people who may push your buttons, create an overreaction, and potentially cause conflict.
UNRELIABLE: Those who are unreliable, miss deadlines, and cannot be counted on
OVERLY ANALYTICAL: Those who are perfectionists, over-analyze things, and focus too much on minor issues
UNAPPRECIATIVE: Those who fail to give credit to others or seldom praise good performance
ALOOF: Those who isolate themselves, do not seek input from others, or are hard to approach

26. Common Hot Buttons (cont.)
MICRO-MANAGING: Those who constantly monitor and check up on the work of others
SELF-CENTERED: Those who are self-centered or believe they are always correct
ABRASIVE: Those who are arrogant, sarcastic, and abrasive
UNTRUSTWORTHY: Those who exploit others, take undeserved credit, or cannot be trusted
HOSTILE: Those who lose their tempers, become angry, or yell at others

27. Exercise: Reflecting on Hot Buttons
Identify a recent situation where you experienced a trigger or hot button.
With a partner:
Name your hot button.
Briefly describe the situation.
Explore why this situation or hot button gets to you.
Consider the situation from the button pusher’s perspective. Are there any positive aspects of the button pusher’s behavior?
Switch turns with your partner and practice listening for understanding.

28. Regaining Emotional Balance
Cognitive reappraisal (aka “reframing”)
Examine the facts underlying a conflict for nonthreatening, alternative explanations.
Mindfulness
Pay attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally to things as they are.
Observe what you are feeling and thinking, rather than being caught up in the thoughts and feelings.
Changing focus
Disrupt negative emotional reactions by breaking the mind’s absorption on thoughts related to the conflict.

29. Regaining Emotional Balance
Cultivate positive emotions.
What brings you a deep sense of peace, contentment, and happiness?
Use humor and laughter to foster a sense of gratitude.
Think of what things inspire you and make you happy.
Positive emotions have a cumulative effect, so reflect on these uplifting thoughts daily.

30. Regaining Emotional Balance
Resilience
It takes time to recover from strong negative emotions.
Decrease the time it takes you to recover from emotional hijacking by building your capacity to respond effectively.

31. Conflict Resilience Quotient
1 = Less True 5 = More True
After most interpersonal conflicts, I usually tend to:
Recover quickly and do not worry, agonize, or stay preoccupied about what the other person said or did that offended me.
Forgive and do not bear a grudge about the other person and what s/he said or did.
Reflect on what I learned from the conflict that will help me manage future disagreements.
Reach out to make amends with the other person.
Take responsibility for my part of the conflict and consider what I may have done differently.

32. 1 = Less True 5 = More True
After most interpersonal conflicts, I usually tend to:
Not share my side of the situation with others in self-serving and distorted ways.
Feel hopeful that things will be better and consider how I will try to contribute positively to this happening.
Move on and not see myself as a victim or feel sorry for myself.
Not continue to perceive the other person in negative ways.
Not bad-mouth the person to others.
Identify what may have been important to the other person that I did not realize before.

33. 1 = Less True 5 = More True
After most interpersonal conflicts, I usually tend to:
Apologize for my part of the conflict.
Have a better appreciation for and understanding of the other person’s perspective on the issues, even if I don’t agree with it.
Not criticize, blame myself, or engage in other self-deprecating behaviors about what I did or said (or didn’t say or do).
Let go of blaming the other person for what s/he did or said (or didn’t say or do).

34. Scoring Key
15-39: You likely already know you are not conflict resilient and coaching is
highly recommended.
40-54: Your conflict resilience quotient is low and conflict coaching is recommended.
55-69: You are conflict resilient with a few areas that could use some work to strengthen your skills even more.
70-75: You are definitely conflict resilient.
From Cinery Coaching

35. Regaining Emotional Balance
Core concerns approach
Create positive emotions by focusing on five core relational concerns common to all people.
Appreciation – acknowledge others
Affirmation – build connections
Autonomy – right to make own decisions
Status – acknowledge skills/talents
Role – define importance of each job

36. Regaining Emotional Balance
Show respect.
Canadian Human Rights Commission Model
VALUED
Validate
Ask (open-ended questions)
Listen (to test assumptions)
Uncover interests
Explore options
Decide (on solutions)

37. Regaining Emotional Balance
Slow down.
When negative emotions are aroused in conflicts, we enter a refractory period, in which emotions hold sway over our rational mind.
Take a time out to allow yourself extra time to apply some cooling-down techniques.
Practice language.
“I’m upset right now and need some time to cool down so I can listen to you with the attention you deserve.”
“This is an important issue and deserves our full attention. I need a little while to reflect on this so that I can do it justice.”

38. Cognitive Development
What are some basic responses to conflict?
How can I constructively respond to conflict?

39. Responses to Conflict
CONSTRUCTIVE
DESTRUCTIVE
ACTIVE
Reaching Out
Perspective Taking
Expressing Emotions
Creating Solutions
(FIGHT)
Winning at All Costs
Displaying Anger
Demeaning Others
Retaliating
PASSIVE
Reflective Thinking
Delay Responding
Adapting
(FLIGHT)
Avoiding
Yielding
Hiding Emotions
Self-Criticizing
Which responses do you use most often? Why? How can you be more effective?

40. Constructive Responses
Reaching out
Perspective taking
Expressing emotions
Creating solutions
Reflective thinking
Adapting
Delay responding

41. Reaching Out
An overt attempt to resume communications with one’s conflict partner once a conflict has arisen
Give an overt invitation.
Intend to address emotional damage.
Offer to take responsibility and apologize.
Express interest in resolving the issue.

42. How to Reach Out Give an overt invitation.
“I would very much appreciate an opportunity to discuss this with you again.”
“Would you please join me in reviewing our recent conversation?”
Intend to address emotional damage.
“I’d like to talk about the damage to our relationship.”
“Can we focus on the emotional hurt before we start talking about our disagreement?”

43. How to Reach Out Offer to take responsibility and apologize.
Which of the following statements in a good apology, without an excuse?
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that I hurt you. Please forgive me.”
“Did I really sound angry? I was just trying to be very clear.”
“When you yelled at me, I should have kept my cool. I apologize.”
“I am sorry. What I said was mean. I know that I hurt you. I hope you can forgive me.”

44. How to Reach Out
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that I hurt you. Please forgive me.” (Not realizing or remembering may be true, but ultimately is an excuse.)
“Did I really sound angry? I was just trying to be very clear.” (Let me rationalize my misbehavior.)
“When you yelled at me, I should have kept my cool. I apologize.” (But you were wrong, too.)
“I am sorry. What I said was mean. I know that I hurt you. I hope you can forgive me.” (This is the only good one. It acknowledges the damage, accepts responsibility, and seeks forgiveness.)

45. How to Reach Out Express interest in resolving the issue.
“I’m sure we can find common ground.”
“Although we see it differently now, I can’t help but believe we can find a way to make it work.”
“We both have strong reasons for our views. Let’s see if we can find some connections in our perspectives.”
“I’d like to explore this further. Will you join me?”
“Imagine if we found a way for our ideas to work together. How great would that be?”

46. Perspective Taking
Put yourself in the other person's position and try to understand that person's point of view.
Listen for understanding.
Focus only on the substance. Check for understanding and satisfaction.
Focus on the other party’s emotions. Demonstrate empathy.

47. How to Listen Well Remove all distractions and listen fully.
What is being said?
Is anything not being said?
What hidden messages exist below the surface?
Are the words and body language delivering the same message?

48. Levels of Listening

49. How to Focus on Substance
One must demonstrate understanding to the satisfaction of the conflict partner.
Summarize frequently.
Check for understanding.
Ask questions related to the content.
Demonstrate your understanding.

50. How to Focus on Emotions
The ability to show empathy during conflict is the most effective way to demonstrate emotion-focused perspective taking.
Label the feeling you’ve observed.
“You must be very frustrated at the way I’ve responded.”
NOT “I really understand how you feel.”

51. Expressing Emotions
Talk honestly with the other person and express your thoughts and feelings.
Become aware.
Try transparency.
Own your feelings.
Contrary to a common misconception, effective expression of emotions, thoughts, and interests is a sign of strength, forthrightness, and honesty.
Hiding thoughts and feelings is the appearance of dishonesty, which leads to mistrust, which prolongs conflict.

52. How to Express Emotions
Practice becoming aware of your emotions as you experience them.
Try transparency. “I have to tell you, I am feeling uncomfortable about having this conversation, but I still feel it is important to do so.”
Own your feelings. It is no one’s job to rescue you from your feelings and likewise, it’s not your job to rescue others from theirs. Just acknowledge the feeling.

53. Creating Solutions
Brainstorm with the other person, ask questions, and try to create solutions to the problem.
Be careful not to rush to solutions too quickly, which results in agreements that only superficially address the issue or satisfy only one partner.
Use in combination with adapting and reflective thinking in order to generate collaborative outcomes.

54. How to Create Solutions
Engage others.
Explore multiple possibilities and ideas.
Analyze and discuss the viability of all the possible solutions.
Seek agreement on which solutions to try.

55. Reflective Thinking
Analyze the situation, weigh the pros and cons, and think about the best response.
Notice your own reactions and reactions of others during conflict.
Be aware of the immediate and ongoing impact of the conflict on oneself and all the other parties involved.
Think through alternatives to responding to the conflict.

56. How to Think Reflectively
Before an impending conflict:
Why do you think a conflict is imminent?
Is there something that can be done now to defuse the conflict?
During a conflict:
Do you have to respond now or can this wait until you have time to reflect on the issues and potential solutions?
Are emotions in control enough to continue conversing or do you all need some “cooling-off time”?
Are your tone, body language, words, or stance contributing to the conflict?

57. How to Think Reflectively
After a conflict:
What was the primary issue in this conflict, and what alternative solutions existed?
How well did you communicate during the conflict, and is there anything you wish you had done differently?
Is there any follow-up you would like to initiate to reduce the impact of something you wish you hadn’t said?
What can you do now to try to resolve the conflict and minimize any further damage?

58. Adapting Stay flexible, and try to make the best of the situation.
Have an optimistic mindset that views conflict as an inevitable part of the workplace (and life in general).
Be willing to entertain a wide variety of alternatives for resolution.
Be aware of changes or opportunities that signal the potential for engaging in problem-solving and conflict resolution.

59. Delay Responding
Wait things out, let matters settle down, or take a "time out" when emotions are running high.
Cool down to regain emotional balance.
Slow down or walk away.
You must be accountable and committed to come back and engage with the conflict.

60. How conflict competent do you want to be?
ACTION
This week, I will…
This month, I will…
OUTCOME
For ME…
For the PRACTICE…
“The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed. It is just these intense conflicts and their conflagration which are needed to produce valuable and lasting results.”
-Carl Gustav Jung

61. McVey Management Retreats
Enroll Now for 2012 Classes
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