1. Article Review Forgiveness: Another Relationship “F Word” -– A Couple’s Dialogue
Eckstein, D. Sperber, M., & McRae, S. (2009).
The Family Journal, 17, 256 – 262
Dr. Cyndi H. Matthews

2. Why Forgiveness?
We are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness
Reinhold Nieburh (Theologian)
There is no love without forgiveness and there is no forgiveness without love
Bryant McGill
To err is human – to forgive divine
Alexander Pope (poet)
Often comes up in therapy
Regarding self
Regarding other people

3. What forgiveness is NOT
It is NOT condoning, excusing, or forgetting what happened
It is NOT just a catharsis of anger (short term – depression and anxiety continue & can increase)
It is NOT seeking justice nor revenge against partner
It is (usually) NOT a one time event – it is a process

4. What is forgiveness? It is a response to
unfairness of treatment,
or unwarranted resentment from,
or anger from an offender
And the restoration of more positive feelings, thoughts, and behaviors toward that person
And is based on mutual respect of self and other person

5. Start with self–exploration
Explore past history of concept
What are your earliest memories – spiritual, educational concepts, religious, suggestions regarding forgiveness?
Consider an experience when someone modeled forgiveness – how did it affect you?
Explore personal history with forgiveness
Remember experiences when you forgave someone – rate yourself and your success on a scale of 1 – 10
Remember successful experiences forgiving others and when others forgave you – rate self 1-10
Focus on current relationship
Rate self forgiving partner 1-10
Rate satisfaction with partner forgiving you 1-10
Contemplate issues for which you still harbor resentment
Identify issues your partner may have toward you

6. Religious significance
61% individuals choose to forgive for religious reasons
Judaism: Talmud - constant theme throughout
Muslim: Quran/Koran “He who forgiveth is reconciled unto his enemy shall receive his reward from God”
Hindu: Bhagavad Gita “forgiveness … Divine virtue”
Christians: Bible “seven times seventy”
Quakers: recognize God is in everyone, reason to treat self and others with kindness

7. Recommendation
Couple interview each other on religious/spiritual relationship to forgiveness in past and now
Begin with family of origin beliefs – did you accept, reject, or modify those beliefs?
Focus on your beliefs regarding forgiveness and your past and current religious beliefs. What inspires you towards forgiveness?
Are there specific rituals, ceremonies, or other ways forgiveness is sought?
What has been your experience in seeking forgiveness? Successful? Unsuccessful?

8. Self-forgiveness
Individual’s own self-esteem is a determining factor for being able to forgive
Forgiveness helps increase personal power
Physical Benefits: physical benefits, including removing blockages to peptides and releasing opiate receptors to frontal cortex (experience pleasure)
Meditation and personal prayer have similar effects

9. SELF FORGIVENESS exercise
Get yourself in quiet and relaxed state (alone or with partner) – music/candles/nature/quiet place
Be mindful of breathing – conscious of lower abdomen not upper chest
Say: “Compassion and peace” on breath in and “happiness and joy” on breath out
When relaxed say, “I forgive myself for …” for 5 – 10 minutes
Imagine favorite color – let it fill you, say to self “I love to forgive myself and others”
When you feel complete end process by breathing mindfully
Stretch/walk/reflect; write experience down
Repeat if you feel forgiveness lacking
Share with partner if appropriate

10. Forgiveness IN relationships
Forgiveness helps people feel part of the relationship again
Helps individuals feel part of a collective unit with interdependence
Increases understanding of consequences of social interactions in relationship
Empathy for other individual crucial in forgiveness
It is a decision to forgive

11. FOUR “D’S” OF RECONCILATION
Models of forgiveness
Recall the hurt
Empathize with the perpetrator
Give the Altruistic gift of forgiveness
Publicly Commit to forgiveness
Hold on to forgiveness
Worthington (2001)
Decide whether to reconcile
Discuss reconciliation
Detoxify the relationship
Develop devotion to each other
Worthington (2001)
REACH MODEL
FOUR “D’S” OF RECONCILATION

12. One more model/checklist (enright, 2001)
Admit to self my partner hurt me
Become aware of anger
Admit to self I feel shame & humiliation
Realize lost energy by being resentful
Thought over and over about what happened (ruminate/perseverate)
Realize I am changed by offense
Realize old ways of handling problem not working
Willing to consider forgiveness as option
Commit to forgive
Think of partner in positive terms
Empathize – step into their shoes
Develop compassion; try not to pass pain on to others
Try to do something nice for person
Find positive meaning from suffering
Realize I have erred and need to be forgiven
Find support from others as I forgive
Develop new purpose in life with forgiveness