1. Improving the “Flow” of Your Writing Clarifying Complex and Technical Writing Nisha Shanmugaraj GCC Assistant Director

2. A. People are injuring themselves at home, work and out in public from slipping and falling. The material of the shoe sole, the material of the floor surface that the individual is walking across, and a contaminant, like water or oil, that may decrease friction between the two materials all contribute to slipping. Which do you prefer: A or B?

3. A. People are injuring themselves at home, work and out in public from slipping and falling. The material of the shoe sole, the material of the floor surface that the individual is walking across, and a contaminant, like water or oil, that may decrease friction between the two materials all contribute to slipping. Which do you prefer: A or B? B. People are injuring themselves at home, work and out in public from slipping and falling. Such slipping is caused by three main factors: the material of the shoe sole, the material of the floor surface that the individual is walking across, and a contaminant, like water or oil, that may decrease friction between the two materials.

4. This workshop provides an effective strategy to make your complex writing intelligible 1.Sentence Structure: Topic/Stress 2.The Known-New Contract 3.Practice Revising 4.How to Make a GCC Appointment 5.Subject-Verb Separation

5. We convey information through content (word-meaning) and sentence structure Content (words) Structure (syntax)

6. Structure shapes your content t(time)=15', T(temperature in Celsius)=32°, t=0', T=25°; t=6', T=29°; t=3', T=27°; t=12', T=32°; t=9'; T=31°

7. Effort spent deciphering structure is effort not available for content t(time)=15', T(temperature in Celsius)=32°, t=0', T=25°; t=6', T=29°; t=3', T=27°; t=12', T=32°; t=9'; T=31°

8. A simple structure helps readers focus on content Structure (simple) Content (complex)

9. Sentence Structure: Topic & Stress Positions

10. Sentences have a topic and a stress position In the present work, the finite-element method (FEM) is used to analyze blood flow through single arteries in the presence of an externally applied magnetic field.

11. The topic position occurs at the beginning of a sentence In the present work, the finite-element method (FEM) is used to analyze blood flow through single arteries in the presence of an externally applied magnetic field. Topic

12. The stress position goes at the end of a sentence In the present work, the finite-element method (FEM) is used to analyze blood flow through single arteries in the presence of an externally applied magnetic field. Topic Stress

13. The stress position should contain your most important information

14. In the present work, the finite-element method (FEM) is used to analyze blood flow through single arteries in the presence of an externally applied magnetic field.

15. The topic position should hold contextual information

16. In the present work, the finite-element method (FEM) is used to analyze blood flow through single arteries in the presence of an externally applied magnetic field.

17. What is the difference between these sentences? 1.A virus infected our system, but everything is fine now. 2.Everything is fine now, but a virus infected our system.

18. Put information you want to emphasize at the end of the sentence—in the stress position 1.A virus infected our system, but everything is fine now. 2.Everything is fine now, but a virus infected our system.

19. Put information you want to emphasize at the end of the sentence—in the stress position 1.There was food, yet the meeting was boring. 2.The meeting was boring, yet there was food.

20. What is the difference between these sentences? 1.Some studies have analyzed how blood flow through the human arterial system is altered by a magnetic field. 1.The way a magnetic field alters blood flow through the human arterial system has been analyzed in some studies.

21. Make sure your stress position is emphasizing the right information 1.Some studies have analyzed how blood flow through the human arterial system is altered by a magnetic field. 1.The way a magnetic field alters blood flow through the human arterial system has been analyzed in some studies.

22. The Known-New Contract

23. Put new information (especially complex or technical terms) in the stress position In the present work, the finite-element method (FEM) is used to analyze blood flow through single arteries in the presence of an externally applied magnetic field. Stress

24. Use the topic position to link back to information that is already “known” by readers In the present work, the finite-element method (FEM) is used to analyze blood flow through single arteries in the presence of an externally applied magnetic field. Topic Stress

25. The topic position holds KNOWN information; the stress position holds NEW information Accounts of depression evolved after psychologists introduced the concepts of defeat and entrapment. These concepts have since been implicated in theoretical accounts of anxiety and suicide. Such theories….

26. Using the known- new contract improves flow

27. People are injuring themselves at home, work and out in public from slipping and falling. Such slipping is caused by three main factors: the material of the shoe sole, the material of the floor surface that the individual is walking across, and a contaminant, like water or oil, that may decrease friction between the two materials. While the first two factors have been the subject of recent commercial attention…

29. People are injuring themselves at home, work and out in public from slipping and falling. Such slipping is caused by three main factors, the first of which is the material of the shoe sole. Sole material is… In addition to the shoe sole material, slipping is also caused by the material of the floor surface that the individual is walking across. Floor surfaces often… The last cause of slipping is the presence of a potential contaminant, like water or oil…

30. What happens when you defy the known-new contract? The enthalpy of hydrogen bond formation between the nucleoside bases 2'deoxyguanosine (dG) and 2'deoxycytidine (dC) has been determined by direct measurement. dG and dC were derivatized at the 5' and 3' hydroxyls with triisopropylsilyl groups. Solubilizing the nucleosides in non- aqueous solvents and preventing the ribose hydroxyls from forming hydrogen bonds are the functions of these these groups.

31. Defying the known-new contract leads to choppy reading or confusion The enthalpy of hydrogen bond formation between the nucleoside bases 2'deoxyguanosine (dG) and 2'deoxycytidine (dC) has been determined by direct measurement. dG and dC were derivatized at the 5' and 3' hydroxyls with triisopropylsilyl groups. Solubilizing the nucleosides in non- aqueous solvents and preventing the ribose hydroxyls from forming hydrogen bonds are the functions of these these groups.

32. We have directly measured the enthalpy of hydrogen bond formation between the nucleoside bases 2'deoxyguanosine (dG) and 2'deoxycytidine (dC). dG and dC were derivatized at the 5' and 3’ hydroxyls… Previous version: The enthalpy of hydrogen bond formation between the nucleoside bases 2'deoxyguanosine (dG) and 2'deoxycytidine (dC) has been determined by direct measurement. Here is one way to revise the first sentence

33. We have directly measured the enthalpy of hydrogen bond formation between the nucleoside bases 2'deoxyguanosine (dG) and 2'deoxycytidine (dC). dG and dC were derivatized at the 5' and 3' hydroxyls with triisopropylsilyl groups. Solubilizing the nucleosides in non-aqueous solvents and preventing the ribose hydroxyls from forming hydrogen bonds are the functions of these these groups. Let’s revise the last sentence of the excerpt

34. We have directly measured the enthalpy of hydrogen bond formation between the nucleoside bases 2'deoxyguanosine (dG) and 2'deoxycytidine (dC). dG and dC were derivatized at at the 5' and 3' hydroxyls with triisopropylsilyl groups. These groups serve both to solubilize the nucleosides in non- aqueous solvents and to prevent the ribose hydroxyls from forming hydrogen bonds. Here is one way to revise the last sentence

35. I’m worried this principle might make my writing seem too simplistic.

36. This also seems like it will take longer…

37. The source of this problem is writer based prose Writer based prose Reader based prose

38. QUESTIONS?

39. Old Topic New Stress New Info Old Info

40. Practice Revising

41. Revise this excerpt using the known-new contract The 5-year plan does not indicate a clearly defined commitment to long-range environment research. For instance, the development of techniques rather than the identification and definition of important long-range issues is the subject of the plan where it does address long-range research.

42. The 5-year plan does not indicate a clearly defined commitment to long-range environment research. When the plan does address long-range research, it focuses on the development of techniques rather than the identification and definition of important long-range issues.

43. Revise this excerpt using the known-new contract The discrete-dipole approximation (DDA) for scattering calculations, including the relationship between the DDA and other methods, is reviewed. Computational considerations, i.e., the use of complex- conjugate gradient and fast-Fourier-transform algorithms, of DDA are compared and discussed against other methods. We test the accuracy of the DDA by using the DDA to compute scattering and absorption by isolated, homogeneous spheres.

44. We review the discrete-dipole approximation (DDA) for scattering calculations, including the relationship between the DDA and other methods. Our comparison of DDA and other methods focuses on contrasting computational considerations, i.e., the use of complex- conjugate gradient and fast-Fourier-transform algorithms. In addition to a computational comparison, we also test DDA’s accuracy. We gauge accuracy by using DDA to compute scattering and absorption by isolated, homogeneous spheres.

45. Large earthquakes along a given fault segment do not occur at random intervals because it takes time to accumulate the strain energy for the rupture. The rates at which tectonic plates move and accumulate strain at their boundaries both occur at uniform intervals. Therefore, in first approximation, one may expect that large ruptures of the same fault segment will occur at approximately constant time intervals. If subsequent main shocks have different amounts of slip across the fault, then the recurrence time may vary, and the basic idea of periodic mainshocks must be modified. Revise this excerpt using the known-new contract

46. Large earthquakes along a given fault segment do not occur at random intervals because the rupture requires time for strain energy to accumulate. This strain is accumulated at roughly uniform rates, so the intervals at which tectonic plates move are also uniform. Therefore, approximately constant time intervals would be expected, in first approximation, for large ruptures of the same fault segment. [However?] If subsequent main shocks have different amounts of slip across the fault, then the recurrence time may vary, and the basic idea of periodic mainshocks must be modified.

47. Transition words can also be used in tandem with known-new ADDITION Furthermore In addition Moreover In fact EXAMPLE As an illustration For example For instance Specifically CAUSE-EFFECT Consequently Hence Therefore Thus CONTRAST In contrast Conversely However On the other hand

48. Further Reading on “Flow” The Science of Scientific Writing George D. Gopen and Judith A. Swan Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace Joseph M. Williams Rhetorical Grammar: Grammatical Choices, Rhetorical Effects Martha J. Kolln and Loretta S. Gray The Craft of Research Wayne C. Booth, Gregory G. Colomb and Joseph M. Williams

49. QUESTIONS?

50. Email gcc-cmu@andrew.cmu.edu Website www.cmu.edu/gcc Make an appointment at the Global Communication Center

51. The GCC supports CMU students on any academic or professional communication project WrittenVisual Oral

52. A GCC tutor can assist you at any point: brainstorming, writing, revising and rehearsing

53. GCC tutors are trained to work with grad and undergrad students in the sciences and humanities

54. The GCC is located on the first floor of Hunt Library Summer Hours: Monday-Thursday 10:00-5:00 *subject to change

55. Schedule your appointment at cmu.edu/gcc White slots = available

57. Email gcc-cmu@andrew.cmu.edu Website www.cmu.edu/gcc Make an appointment at the Global Communication Center

58. Subject-Verb Separation

59. Read the following sentence Recently, however, immunoprecipitation experiments with antibodies to purified, rotenone-sensitive NADH-ubiquinone oxido-reductase [hereafter referred to as respiratory chain NADH dehydrogenase or complex I] from bovine heart, as well as enzyme fractionation studies, have indicated that six human URF's (that is, URF1, URF2, URF3, URF4, URF4L, and URF5, hereafter referred to as ND1, ND2, ND3, ND4, ND4L and ND5) encode subunits of complex I.

60. Subject-verb separation can also place a burden on your reader Recently, however, immunoprecipitation experiments with antibodies to purified, rotenone-sensitive NADH-ubiquinone oxido- reductase [hereafter referred to as respiratory chain NADH dehydrogenase or complex I] from bovine heart, as well as enzyme fractionation studies, have indicated that six human URF's (that is, URF1, URF2, URF3, URF4, URF4L, and URF5, hereafter referred to as ND1, ND2, ND3, ND4, ND4L and ND5) encode subunits of complex I.

61. Minimizing subject-verb separation can clarify your sentences Precipitation in the form of crystalline water ice, consisting of snowflakes that fall from clouds, is called snow. Snow is precipitation in the form of crystalline water ice that consists of snowflakes that fall from clouds. A variety of measures to quantify happiness, some more effective and accurate than others, were used. A variety of measures were used to quantify happiness, some more effective and accurate than others.

62. Compare the following verbs The customization of the logo was done by the designers.

63. The logo was customized by the designers.

64. Make sure your verb is expressing action The customization of the logo was done by the designers. The logo was customized by the designers. The designers customized the logo. ✗ ✔ ✔

65. Ensuring your verb expresses action can make your writing more concise The customization of the logo was done by the designers. (10 words) The logo was customized by the designers. (7 words) The designers customized the logo. (5 words)

66. Using verbs that express action creates succinct and direct writing The analysis of the data was done by the doctoral students. (11 words) The data was analyzed by the doctoral students. (8 words) The doctoral students analyzed the data. (6 words)

67. Email gcc-cmu@andrew.cmu.edu Website www.cmu.edu/gcc Make an appointment at the Global Communication Center