1. Parents Forever Unit – Impact of Divorce on Adults
EDUCATION FOR FAMILIES
IN DIVORCE TRANSITION
Welcome/Introduction of Facilitators
(Have a child’s chair sitting in the front of the room in a prominent spot.)
Tonight we will focus on the most important people in your lives…your children. We have a child’s chair in the front of the room to remind us of who we are concentrating on in this segment. Although this is a small chair, we will be talking about effects of divorce/separation/and paternity issues have on children of all ages.
Parents Forever
Unit – Impact of Divorce on Adults

2. Basic principles in every divorce
All divorces are different, yet they share common elements.
We all have the right to the pursuit of happiness, no matter what others might say.
Some individuals should not have married at all, should not have married each other, or should not have married when they did. When we discover this for ourselves and accept it, we can move on.
Only the partners involved know the the whole story; other people’s judgments are invalid, because they cannot possibly know what has happened.
We cannot expect to receive permission to divorce.
Staying together for the the sake of the children does not work.

3. Six stages of divorce Emotional Legal Economic Parental Social
Psychological

4. Various layers of divorce
Source: Marcia Laswell, 1973, Love, Marriage, Family. Scott Foreman & Company. Pp
Developed by Paul Bohannan

5. Main Points of Part I
Children need the involvement of both parents in their lives
Divorce affects children differently according to their stage of development
During divorce, children experience a series of stages of grief and loss
To make a difference in the long-term outcomes for children, it helps to develop positive ways of communicating, solving problems and reducing conflict
We will cover four main points in the first half of this session:
Children need the involvement of both parents in their lives.
-This class is based on a value that it is important for children to have both parents in their lives WHEN IT IS SAFE TO DO SO. As discussed last session with the Rape and Abuse Crisis Center, when there is any kind of abuse involved, it is important to seek professional help before concepts of this class can be implemented.
Divorce affects children differently according to their stage of development.
-We are going to look at the “ages and stages” of your children and consider that where they are at developmentally can impact how they understand and process this family transition.
During divorce, children experience a series of stages of grief and loss.
-In the last session we introduced the grief cycle and considered how this life transition affects you as adults. In this session, we will look at how children experience grief and how you can help them through it in the most positive ways.
To make a difference in the long-term outcomes for children, it helps to develop positive ways of communicating, solving problems and reducing the amount of conflict.
-Skills for communicating with your children’s other parent will be explored, specifically using “I” messages for effective communication, rather than using “you” messages.

6. Stages of grief and loss
(page 5 of parent handbook)
Let’s take a look at the Stages of Grief and Loss (overhead)
The ribbon represents the “looping” effect of grief – no one experiences it the same, people can “loop back” through to a stage again.
Shock and Denial:
“This divorce is not happening” “This is just another fight, they always get back together”
Children need to understand the permanence of the divorce and what the concrete consequences will be.
Parents can help reinforce the reality of this stage by emphasizing what will not change, that both parents will always love them.
Anger:
“This is not fair” “How can they do this to me?” “I’m so embarrassed”
Parents provide patience and understanding while children work through their disappointment and anger.
Determine acceptable and unacceptable ways that anger is allowed to be expressed in your home. How do you express anger? You are the role model for you children.
Depression and Detachment:
“My heart feels broken” “I’m very sad” “I don’t want to do the things I used to enjoy anymore”
There is a difference between being SAD and being DEPRESSED. Depression should be treated by a professional.
Children can get stuck here – especially if a parent is. Help them get involved, surround them with positive people.
Dialogue and Bargaining:
“I’ll get them back together” “If I’m really good they will stop fighting and fall in love again”
Children may fantasize about the family back together.
Working through guilt that it may have been their fault and figuring out how to fix it.
Acceptance:
“My parents are divorced but I still have a mom and dad who love me” “The divorce was not my fault”
Adjusted to the reality of the divorce and how that effects them
Older children feel that they can take a chance on love in the future.
We know that children work through this process much smoother if parents work together to make it the best possible situation for the children. How can you do that?
Adapted from: E. Kubler-Ross On Death and Dying. New York: Macmillan and Dr. Judith Graham.
Family Issues Divorce. University of Maine Cooperative Extension. 1993

7. Psychological tasks for children experiencing divorce
Understanding the divorce
Strategic withdrawal
Dealing with loss
Dealing with anger
Working out guilt
Accepting the permanence of divorce
Taking a chance on love
Just as you learned about the “stages of divorce” adults go through in the last session, children also have “tasks” that they experience during this family transition.
As we go through these tasks, please keep a couple things in mind:
-While children experience common developmental stages, they move at an individual pace.
-Children who experience the divorce process face an additional set of tasks specific to the family transition (divorce/separation) in addition to the normal developmental tasks of growing up.
-The following “Psychological Tasks” begin as difficulties, escalate as their parents conflicts continue, and then continue through the separation, divorce and post-divorce years.
Understanding the Divorce: Children’s 1st task upon separation is to understand the meaning of divorce. With parents help, children begin to understand the reality and adjust to changes. Understanding what led to the marital failure requires the perspective of a mature adolescent and young adult.
Strategic Withdrawal: Children and adolescents need to get on with their lives as soon as possible - resuming normal activities at school and play. To do this, children need encouragement from their parents to remain children.
Dealing with Loss: Children experience two profound losses: the loss of the family form they were living in and the loss of the presence of one parent from their daily lives. The task of absorbing the loss is the single most difficult task of divorce.
Dealing with Anger: Children and adolescents know that divorce is voluntary. Their unhappiness has been caused by the people who are supposed to protect and care for them. So, children get angry at their parents.
Working out guilt: Children often feel responsible for the divorce. As they mature, many guilty feelings disappear with support from their parents.
Accepting the permanence of divorce: At first, children often feel a strong need to deny the reality of the divorce. Some may not overcome the fantasy until they finally separate from their parents and leave home or one parent remarries.
Taking a chance on Love: Probably the most important task for growing children and central task for adolescence and young adulthood. They must believe they can love and be loved in a successful partnership even though their parents did not stay together.

8. How children are affected by divorce
They feel abandoned.
They feel powerless and helpless.
They have a greater need for nurturing.
They feel angry.
They feel guilty; they feel the divorce is their fault.
They think they have to “take care” of their parents.
They worry that they will be “kicked out”
They grieve.
They experience conflicts of loyalty.
They “act out” in some way.

9. Ages and Stages

10. How Children are affected by Divorce Infant to 2 years
Too young to understand what is happening
May sense parents’ stress and feel changes in daily routine
Task: develop trust and to bond
While considering the general psychological tasks children experience during divorce – we also want to take time to talk about how divorce affects children differently depending on their developmental stage. We will discuss how divorce/separation affects children from birth through early adulthood, starting with infants to 2 year-olds.
How do you think separation/divorce affects young children, birth to 2 years old? (take comments from class)
(Click powerpoint to show three bullets – Discuss the following points)
Children at this age are too young to understand what is happening, but they do sense their parents’ stress or changes in daily routine. They need to be kept away from emotional upset.
The task of children at this age is to develop trust and to bond with primary caregivers – parents must be sure to provide love and consistency. Keep changes in schedules, caregivers, and living arrangements to a minimum.

11. How Children are affected by Divorce Preschooler - ages 2 to 5
Lack mental ability to understand what is happening
Will be confused, angry, sad, and fearful
May believe they are at fault
Fantasy play will reveal fears and desires of family reunited
May regress: bed wetting or thumb sucking
What behaviors would you expect to see or have seen in preschoolers during separation/divorce? (Take comments from group)
(Click bullets and discuss following points)
Preschoolers lack the mental ability to understand what is happening and why
They may be confused, angry, sad, fearful
two and three year olds have difficulty figuring out that someone who is out of sight can and will return, so long periods away from primary caregiver(s) is hard for them
Because of the fear of abandonment, the normal development of a separate identity may be delayed and they may remain clingy.
Because preschoolers believe the “world revolves around me”, they may believe the divorce is their fault.
Fantasy play will express strong desire to have family reunited – children will also play out their fears through play.
Children need parents who are accepting and encouraging – also parents who set and maintain similar limits and use consistency with appropriate consequences.
Children need to know where mom is living, where dad is living, and where child is living. They need to know who is going to tuck them into bed, who will give them hugs, who will play with them, who will make sure they eat (children’s issues).

12. How Children are affected by Divorce Ages 6 to 8
Reactions include anger, grief, and a deep yearning for the departed parent
Anger will express itself through tantrums
May feel responsible for taking care of parents
Children identify with both parents - DO NOT criticize other parent in front of child!
How do you think separation/divorce affects young children, 6 to 8 years old – early elementary school, 1st to 3rd grade? (take comments from class)
(Click powerpoint to show bullets – Discuss the following points)
Reactions at this stage include anger, grief, and a deep yearning for the departed parents, regardless of the quality of the relationship before the break-up.
May see increased aggression or a return to temper tantrums. This is how children of this age express anger and frustration because they are not as good at using WORDS to express feelings – help children name what they are feeling, “Are you angry at me?” “Do you feel frustrated when your brother takes your toy?”.
At about age six, guilt begins to develop and realizing others have feelings first starts. Therefore, can be very sensitive to subtle pressures and loyalty conflicts between parents.
May feel they need to nurture and take care of parent that is feeling bad – this needs to be avoided!
At this age, children know right and wrong as black and white – so, it is hard to understand that people can be both good and bad, make good choices and bad choices.
Because children identify with BOTH parents, know they are part of mom and part of dad, criticism of the other parent should be avoided. Also, do not put child “in the middle” of parental conflicts.

13. How Children are affected by Divorce Ages 9 to 12
Have ability to see two points of view
Need to talk about their feelings and acknowledge anger
May identify “good guy”/”bad guy”; focused on what’s “right and fair”
Puberty makes it difficult to be separated from same-sex parent
Likely to manipulate and play games with parents
How do you think separation/divorce affects children who are ages 9 to 12, later elementary school grades 4 to 6? (take comments from class)
(Click powerpoint to show bullets – Discuss the following points)
Because of their more advanced level of intellectual development, most 9 to 12 year olds have the basic ability to see two points of view – THIS DOES NOT MEAN THEY SHOULD BE INVOLVED IN ADULT ISSUES OF DIVORCE. They do not need to be told about inappropriate behaviors by either parents, just that the relationship isn’t working for mom and dad anymore but they are still loved by both.
May deny their feelings – find a way to talk to your children and let them know that whatever they are feeling is ok. (car ride, playing basketball, dinner table – where to you have the best conversations with your child?)
Children at this age benefit from spending time with the parents of the same-sex because of puberty changes.
Children at this age are likely to be manipulative and play games with parents. They may also develop an intense anger at one parent – it is still very important for that child to continue/maintain regularly contact with that parent.
Conflict and criticism of the other parent should be minimized in their prescence, they should not be pressured to “take sides” or to be a messenger, mediator or spy.

14. How Children are affected by Divorce Adolescence - ages 13 to 18
More developed socially and emotionally- peers are primary orientation
Lack of consistency in discipline and control is unsettling - “growing up too fast”
May act out anger and frustration through delinquency, substance abuse, sexual promiscuity
Honest communication helps teens see both sides of issue - without involving them in inappropriate “adult issues”
How are adolescents reacting to the family transition, grades 7 to 12? (let participants comment)
(Click powerpoint to show bullets – Discuss the following points)
Adolescents have an advantage: they are more developed socially and emotionally and their primary orientation is toward peers, not family.
However, the loss of the parent-child relationship during a time of personal and social turmoil is a common and enduring problem.
Independence can be given too early and without limits – this may lead to bad choices by the teen.
Many have lasting concerns about their own intimate relationships. Need assurance that they will find and have a successful relationship.
Need guidance from two involved parents.
While teens may be able to assume greater responsibility in the family, parents should be careful to avoid giving them excess responsibility or to rely on them for emotional support.
Honest communication is key – but keep them out of the “adult issues” that may make them feel bad about another parent.

15. How Children are affected by Divorce Emerging Adulthood - 18 to 25
Accelerated independence - growing up faster
Early departure from family to avoid conflict
Involvement with alcohol, drugs or inappropriate sexual behavior to “escape” pain
Loss of “Home”
Pages 8-19 in your booklets give more detail that you can look over information specific to your children and their ages. However, your books do not continue the discussion of how divorce effects young adults…what effects do you think young people aged 18 to 25 experience? (Discuss with parents)
(Click powerpoint to reveal the bulleted points)
Young people this age may take on responsibility for younger siblings, both emotionally and in a care-taking role.
Continue to talk to them about safe choices when using alcohol (age 21 and over). Discouragement from drugs.
Through a feeling of a “loss of home”, young people this age may worry about “where will I go for Christmas?”, “where will I stay during my breaks from school?” “How will I get financial help now?”.
Young adults are also giving up their “picture” of life and home…it is comforting at this age to “go out into the world” knowing that you can always come “home”. Your children this age need assurance that they can always come “home”, and they may need help developing that new “picture” of what that home will feel like.

16. What affects a child’s adjustment to divorce?
The level of conflict
A stable environment
Maintaining relationships
Compassionate listening
These four aspects affect how well your children will adjust to the family transition you are experiencing
(read them and briefly explain each)
Level of Conflict:
Factors that affect children’s adjustment to divorce
Adjustment is best when parents resolve their conflicts and work cooperatively
Stable Environment:
Family structure has changed, so keep as much the same as possible. Example: where they live, school they attend, childcare, schedules, place of faith attendance, friendships.
Maintaining Relationships:
Children need to keep physical and emotional contact with both parents (when safe to do so)
Compassionate Listening:
Allow children to express concerns and issues.
(On overhead, write “Helpful” and “Not Helpful” as two headings.)
Let’s come up with a list of helpful and not so helpful behaviors that parents can do (or not do) to help children through this process.
(suggest thinking about the four affects of adjustment discussed above to help with ideas)

17. Changes Abrupt change focuses on a change that is not predictable.
Continuous change builds on what you know.

18. I need you to listen to my feelings and be sympathetic
Things Divorced Parents Say to Confuse and Undermine a Child’s Love and Confidence
I need you to listen to my feelings and be sympathetic
Tell your mother/father to buy it for you
This divorce is your mother’s/father’s fault
You can always go live with your mother/father if you don’t like it here
Don’t tell your mother/father about this
In addition to behaviors, sometimes parents say things to their children that may be a “fleeting comment” as the adult, but it can have lasting impacts on children.
Pages 20 and 21 of your book give some examples of what we can say sometimes too easily as adults, but are hurtful to our children.
Let’s read some of the examples….(from overhead)
Many of these comments aid in Alienating the other parents from your children.
(Next Slide)

19. Are you alienating your children from the other parent?
Do you deny the existence of the other parent?
Do you criticize the other parent?
Do you place your children in the middle?
Do you set the other parent up to fail?
Encourage parents to look at pages 22 and 23 in their booklet. It is good to ask themselves these questions periodically because:
It is very important that both parents stay involved with their children (when safe to do so)
These behaviors not only lessen the children’s connection to the other parent, but the children are emotionally hurt in the process.
Parents are divorcing – the children are not.
If time DOES permit, have parents circle the bullets that they do sometimes, and X out the bullets they do not do.
If time DOES NOT permit, encourage them to work through those pages on their own and do their best to change their behavior.

20. LET
CHILDREN BE
Encourage parents to look over Pages 24 though 26 in their books on their own. Headings of these pages is “Let Children Be Children” and “Ask Yourself: Am I Turning My Children Into Adults”
Above all – let’s allow Children to be Children – to deal with Children’s issues (such as Who is picking me up after school? Who will help me with my homework? Who will tuck me in at night? Where will my teddy bear be? Who is picking me up after my sports event?)

21. “I” messages vs. “YOU” messages
“You are always planning something on my weekends with Kaci.”
I feel angry when you plan activities during the time I’m supposed to spend with Kaci. I miss spending time with her. Would you please try to avoid scheduling things for her during my weekend?”
(Click Powerpoint ahead to show two examples of a comment.)
Read each statement. Discuss.

22. “I” messages vs. “YOU” messages
Feelings of the Speaker:
I feel ___________________________
Action of the Listener:
When you _______________________
Consequences of the behavior:
because ________________________
Request for Change:
Would you please _________________ ?
How do we construct an “I” message? Take a look at this outline. (read through the pieces of an “I” statement)
In your folders you have a handout that you can use to practice “I” messages. Let’s take a few minutes for each of you to think of a situation where you could have used an “I” message, or maybe a situation that you will need to use one in the future.
(Give the class time to write their “I” messages)
Would anyone like to share? (MAKE A STATEMENT that you do NOT want any statements that will be hurtful for anyone else in the class to hear about their co-parent. Confidentiality and respect for the other parent is key here)
Remember – in most cases, BOTH parents are attending this class and hearing this information. If you hear the other parents trying to use an “I” message, be open to it, even if they mess it up the first time – and try it yourself. We can only change ourselves and how we communicate. If communication is an issue for you as co-parents (which it is in many situations), try for your children’s best interests.

23. Using “I” Messages Vs. “You” Messages
“I” delivers high powered messages in a productive way
“I” expresses my feelings as my own and relate those feelings to another’s behavior… NOT the person
“You” messages = put downs or solutions
“I” messages = honesty and builds trust
Use this overhead to wrap-up “I” messages conversation.
Next week parents will be asked if they used an “I” message through the week. Encourage them to use an “I” message this week. Could use it with their kids, at work, with extended family, or with co-parent.

24. ACTIVE LISTENING Concentrate Relax Make eye contact STOP TALKING
Active listening means paying careful attention to what other people are saying. An active listener doesn’t offer advice, judge or criticize.
Three keys to successful active listening:
Talk less and listen more
Avoid being judgmental or defensive
Listen for feelings as well as ideas.
The slide above gives suggestions to improve listening skills. Notice the emphasis on “stop talking”

25. Main Points of Part 2
Children need the involvement of both parents in their lives
Divorce creates an opportunity for parents to develop new parenting skills that will improve their relationship with their children
Discipline is very important during this time, and there are many tools for parents to work with
Review main points of this part of the class. Refer class to page 34 of their booklet for more detail.

26. Children’s Rights When Their Parents Divorce
Meaningful relationships with both parents
Remain separate from parents’ differences
Love both parents
Receive love and support from both parents
Be physically and emotionally safe
Express feelings regardless of parents’ viewpoint
Be children, independent of the adult world of divorce
One of the first things we do as adults when filing for divorce is find out what our rights are. We propose that children also have rights. Let’s take a look at what those rights are.
(Read over Rights)
Also in the back of your booklet is a wallet card that has “7 Messages Children Need to Hear from Their Parents”
On your own time, look through pages 35-37, which includes “Children’s Rights When Their Parents Divorce” and “Helping Children Through Divorce”. They re-emphasize our conversation of Helpful things we can do to help our children through this time.

27. Your Role as a Parent
You are a parent – the greatest possible asset a child can have.
You are here because you are a parent and the parenting responsibilities are FOREVER.
Concentrate on what you can do rather than on what the other parent should do.
Children with two supportive parents who are willing to address their children’s needs and resolve conflict in healthy ways are more likely to have a positive adjustment to the divorce.
Pages of the parent handbook identify ways that parents can help their children through divorce. Key points are reassurance, stability, encouragement, fairness, honesty, support, security, and trust.

28. When discipline is needed
A positive way to teach a child self-control and confidence
Teaches a child what to do
The focus is on how a child will behave in the future
Children learn to control their own behavior
Punishment
One technique used in discipline
Teaches a child what not to do
The focus is on how a child behaved in the past
Children learn that others control their behavior
Remind parents that even under the best of conditions, parenting is a challenge; when parents divorce or separate, it is even more difficult.
Children often express feelings by acting out
Parents need to adapt their parenting style to account for the fact that
the other parent is absent.
Being a single parent is an opportunity to develop new parenting skills. This program offers some basic parenting information that can help.
Ask parents to talk about what comes to mind when they hear the word “discipline”
Display overhead, “When Discipline is needed” and explain the difference between discipline and punishment.
Discipline is teaching and responds to the unwanted behavior (ex. Child is not getting good grades, so they cannot be in extra-curricular activity so they have more time for homework until grades are up again)
Punishment is often not related to the behavior but quickly ends it. It does not teach why the behavior was wrong (ex. Young child running in street and parent spanks them)
**This was just a brief introduction to parenting ideas. Parenting classes in your area can help you further with more specific parenting questions. There are brochures in your packet that outline local parent education opportunities that we encourage you to look in to.
Every parent has a “tool box” of discipline ideas. Parenting classes can help you add “tools” to your box and make you a more effective parent. (Should be resources of local resources available at each site)

29. Parenting Styles Autocratic or authoritarian Permissive
Parents have total control
Parents are all-powerful
Children cannot question parents’ authority
Permissive
There are no limits or rules for children
Children have all the power
Children have little respect for order or routine
Respectful, positive or democratic
There is a balance between individual freedom, the rights of others, and the responsibilities of everyone.
Parents are leaders who encourage cooperation and learning
Families have order and routine, and every person is important
VIDEO:
Use the overhead to re-cap what was said in video about the three styles of parenting.
Do you think parenting styles change after a divorce? Why?
Which parenting style is easiest for the parent? For the Child?
Do you feel you only use ONE parenting style? Why might different styles be used at different times?

30. Parenting Styles Positive Parenting
Discipline-You are a teacher – you let your children know how you expect them to behave, set and enforce limits, and monitor their behavior
Nurture- You provide love and reassurance to build a strong relationship with your child
Respect – You model the respect you expect from your child, are fair and allow your child to express their thoughts and beliefs
Nurture
Discipline
Respect

31. Different Parenting Styles Can Cause Conflict Between Parents
Keep in mind:
You can only control your own parenting style
Ideally you will have similar rules and expectations, but this is not always possible
Your child will do better if at least one parent uses a Positive Parenting style
Your child needs you to:
Love them unconditionally
Set rules and have high expectations for their behavior
Monitor their activities and friends
Be a role model for how to deal with conflict, stress and communication in your relationship with the other parent

32. Why children misbehave
They are looking for attention
They are imitating or modeling a parent’s behavior
They are testing the parent
They are standing up for themselves
They are protecting themselves
They feel bad about themselves
They are hungry, tired, or sick
When children misbehave parents often think that children are misbehaving to irritate them, to challenge their authority, or to be a pest.
(Discuss points on overhead)
Point is, it is much easier to respond when you can understand why your child is misbehaving. Refer to page “Why Children Misbehave” for more information on this.

33. Parallel-Parenting Business Principles
Act reasonably
Be flexible
Make sensible, logical decisions
Avoid conflict
Control negative emotions
Act in good faith
Focus on children’s needs above your own
Value both parents remaining involved in the children’s lives
Parenting Apart:
After Video:
You are divorcing but will be parents forever.
This is a metaphor to help you work through parenting in the years to come.
Go over principles on overhead.
Overview of resources:
Page 47 of parent booklet gives more information on parallel-parenting business principles
Page 49 has a sample parenting plan. Because so many parents found that useful, a “Creating a Parenting Plan” booklet has been developed – information is in your folder
Final Video – “Voices of the Children of Divorce”
This video is different from others used in the class tonight because it uses real children instead of actors. It illustrates the points made this evening, and shows us the hurt, confusion, and frustration children can feel if we don’t use the ideas given this evening – not putting our children first.
End with summary story from “Charlie Anderson” Book by Barbara Ambercrombie
“Our wish for your children is that they can feel they also have two homes that love and care for them – just like Charlie Anderson”

34. What should be in a Parenting Plan?
Residential arrangements
Parenting time schedule
Medical care
Communication with school
Religion and cultural heritage
Legal custody defined
Vacations
Participation in activities
Plans for ongoing parent-child contact
Child care arrangements
Family connections
How parents will communicate
Transportation
Financial responsibility
How the agreement will be changed
Introduce the We Agree: Creating a Parenting Plan booklet

35. You help your children most when you work cooperatively with the other parent to raise your children
Read the overhead.
Close this section with reading “Charlie Anderson.”
By focusing on your children,
you are focusing on your family
and your future

36. How new relationships affect children
They have to give up the fantasy of getting their parents back together
They may be threatened because they fear sharing the parent with another person
A new relationship may undermine the security they are just beginning to redevelop after their parents’ separation
Children may feel guilty about liking a parent’s new friend