1. Philip G. Monroe, PsyD Biblical Seminary Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

2. Philip G. Monroe, PsyD Biblical Seminary pmonroe@biblical.edu Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

3. Degrees: MA in Counseling MA, Ministry (Counseling Concentration) Mdiv Urban MDiv DMin Certificates: Biblical Counseling Advanced Professional Counseling On-line Studies Coaching/Consultations Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

4.  What is addiction? Sexual addiction?  What is recovery?  Steps to wholeness  Related issues (family matters, restoration, etc.)  Q & A Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

5.  Addiction is a body, spirit, and will problem  Sin is both chosen and irresistible  We are made to desire God and creation. But since sin enters the world,  We long for things that are out of reach  These unfulfilled longings are painful  We often turn good desires into demands  We desire too little rather than too much  We often want behavior management rather than transformation Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

6.  Why is Song of Solomon in the bible?  Why detail the erotic longings of a couple?  Notice two emphases ▪ Sex is a most powerful desire—and good ▪ Sex is something not to be awakened before its time Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

7.  Yes!  Sexual activity leads to increased dopamine in the brain  Repeated activity (and the things associated with it (visuals, fantasies, memories, etc.) produces dopamine and creates cravings for more  Brain activity is similar to cocaine abuse Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

8. Bondage Sin Tragedy Foolishness Friendship Infatuation Betrayal Worship Adapted from Addictions: A banquet in the grave (E. Welch) Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

9.  Ezekiel 23  Two young virgin women have become prostitutes and used ▪ One is given over to destruction, the other sees but does not seem to care  “…So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.” Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

10.  It starts with me! (Hint, it is not really about the sex!)  What makes me feel special? What fulfills me? What stops the pain? “You complete me” isn’t really about you  Sex becomes the means to get what I want  Indulgence  out of control behavior  failed efforts to limit or stop  increasing obsessions  mood changes  neglect of important things  self-loathing/suicidal thinking Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

11.  Escapist  Tends to be Internet, video or object based (may avoid actual sexual contact with others) with masturbation  Relational (attempts to interact with others)  Anonymous encounters, multiple partners, voyeurism, exhibitionism, pedophilia, power encounters Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

12.  Most individuals have a common, vicious cycle of abstinence to addiction  Most individuals do not adequately see the subtle details of their cycle  Learning the cycle of addiction helps one to recognize temptations, vulnerabilities, lies, as well as the “ways of escape” available Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

13. Adapted from Patrick Carnes Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

14. 1. Breaking the cycle 2. Uncovering deception, seeking light 3. Understanding the root issues 4. Recovering Godly desire 5. Restoring broken relationships Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

16.  Deceptions  All sin starts with self and other deception  Most addicts are aware of the “big” deceptions but fail to recognize the “little” ones that happen daily  Recovery is like waking up from a coma  Root issues  Must haves? Needs? Desires? Practiced habits? Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

17.  What motivates me to get better or to seek help?  Am I ambivalent about change?  How truthful have I been since discovered?  Will I accept intrusions into my privacy?  Will I demand others trust me?  What is my record for saying no to temptation?  What other problems need to be addressed as well?  Do I see the roots of my sexual behavior?  What human resources are available to me? Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

18. BONDAGE BONDAGE! We live in a fallen world with fallen communities and fallen bodies. We are deceived and deceiving. In the midst of trouble, we reveal what is in our hearts by our response to that trouble. Self-deception is the root of all other sins. It is THE gateway sin. It is the lies we tell ourselves that make other sins palatable. If we were to see ourselves as we really are, we could not “ingest” nor accept things that are evil. These things often come in the form of “needs” or “normal” desires, reactions, etc. False Worship: Done daily, hourly, by the second in the most subtle ways. You can find it in the “innocent” second look, the momentary daydream, the place you go in your mind when you have nowhere you have to be. Any one of these may not be false worship, but a quick review of common patterns will probably identify your tempting “must haves” of life. Habits are not merely acts of the will that can be turned off or on. They begin to take on a life of their own at the cellular, neuronal, environmental, etc. level. Your body may crave food, drugs, pornography, etc. Even after years of saying no, you may still struggle with them. Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

19. BONDAGE BONDAGE! Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

20.  Fight for truth! (Self- deception is the gateway sin)  Challenge! Having thoughts of self other than we want to have  Identity as lost sheep  Recognition of vulnerability to “finding” ourselves BONDAGE Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

21.  Practicing proper meditations  Meditating on 1 thing  Looking beyond self to God/other  Example: What do you think about when you wake up in the night? BONDAGE Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

22.  Protecting good habits; building new  Doing violence to bad habits  Using all the means of grace/mercy (spiritual, biological, communal, economical, etc.) BONDAGE Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

23. BONDAGE BONDAGE! Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

24. Engage in the battle against distorted affections Doing violence against addictions: A response to God’s grace Surround yourselves with wise counselors Delight in the fear of the Lord Engage the battle at the level of imagination Speak honestly, uncover subtle lies Remember God’s commitment to you Adapted from Addictions: A banquet in the grave (E. Welch) Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

25.  Honest admission (forever!)  Sacrificial efforts to repair (Check out Zaccheus in Luke 19)  Acceptance (with joy) discipline and limits  No demands to be trusted but desire to “restore the years the locusts have taken” via listening Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

26. Addicts need help from YOU:  Spiritual Care Teams  Accountability and Prayer partners  Counseling Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

27.  Make no long term decisions  Short-term decisions should focus on protection/safety for all  Assess scope of the problem  Frequency, duration, intensity  Response of addict? Family?  Resources available; commitment to help- seeking? Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

28.  Electronic accountability (tracker/filter)  Covenant Eyes? Bsafe?  On-line care?  www.purelifeministries.org www.purelifeministries.org  Support groups?  HarvestUSA (www.harvestusa.org)www.harvestusa.org  Psychiatric and counseling helps?  Inpatient? Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

29.  Deal with shame, encourage hope despite ashes  Explore roots, shoots, fruits of addiction (cycle) ▪ Denial, self-deception, impulsivity, complacency? ▪ Self-talk?  Validate desires and seek to deal with them in godly manner  Offer accountability and practical ideas  Point out victory! Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

30.  Not every addicted person wants change  Some want change but are afraid  All of us are fickle in that we want change sometimes and refuse it other times  There is a common pattern of change motivation  Wise helpers continually assess the person’s openness to change and tailors their counsel to that place: We meet people where they are at—not where we wish they were! Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

31.  Reluctance  Rebellion  Resignation  Rationalization How do you move to thinking? Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

32. The Approach  Sensitive feedback: primary emotion  Provide choices  Instill hope/explore the barriers  empathy and reflection  Raise doubt  Avoid ALL arguments/don’t label Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

33.  Ambivalence not commitment  Will it really be better?  Can things really be different?  What’s the cost to change? How do you help someone count the cost? Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

34.  Information, incentives  Emphasize the positives  Give reasons for change  Stay 0pen, listen, affirm  Risk/rewards Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

35.  Preparation  Acting on some strength and some truth  “I’ll do it on Monday” How do you help someone take the first step? Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

36. The Approach  Strategize the best way for them to make changes  Enthusiasm does not make up for ineptness  Remove barriers and support success, focus on details Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

37.  Doing something public  Making changes in obvious ways  3 – 6 months typically  Focus on not doing big ticket sins (may miss others at first) What helps this person sustain their efforts? Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

38. The Approach  Help take steps, support success  Don’t get in the way  Empathy, empathy, empathy  Talk details  Reflect: “What’s it been like…” Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

39.  The unexpected costs  Lapses  Relapses What keeps us going? Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

40. The Approach  Expect some lapses, be realistic  Help them recycle  Help with strategies to prevent relapse Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

41.  Set the stage for work together  Validate, explore, build trust, provide safety  Balance teaching, exploration, and honest responses  Uncover denial/deception and recognition of divided loyalties (in love)  Offer accountability  Focus on commitment strategies Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.

42.  Don’t forget that God is doing a work in both addict and loved one!  That ALL sin separates us from God  That helper and addict both need GRACE  That the Christian life is an opportunity to ▪ Address heart issues, uncover denial, and complacency ▪ See God’s hand in a broken world Copyright, Philip G. Monroe, PsyD. Request permission to quote or dublicate.