1. Maintaining Relationships
Chapter 9 Staying Close
Maintaining Relationships

2. Activate your Brain What does it mean to maintain a relationship?
Which of these statements is true?
Relationships stay together unless something tears them apart.
Relationships require effort or else they fall apart.
What is the most important aspect of maintaining a romantic relationship?
What is the most important aspect of maintaining a friendship?
Why do approximately 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce?

3. Defining Relational Maintenance
Relational Maintenance: Four common definitions
keeping a relationship in existence
keeping a relationship in a specified state or condition
keeping a relationship in satisfactory condition
keeping a relationship in repair (prevent and repair problems)
Basically, “keeping a relationship at a desired level” (e.g., professional, or casual friend, or romantic)
Maintenance can be strategic or routine (pp )

4. Two Overarching Perspectives
Centrifugal Perspective:
Relationships require
maintenance or else
they deteriorate
Centripetal Perspective:
Established relationships
are automatically maintained
unless something tears them apart
Box 9.3, p. 215

5. Prosocial Maintenance Behaviors
Stafford & Canary (Married & Dating Couples)
Positivity:
Making interactions pleasant and enjoyable
Openness:
Self-disclosure, sharing secrets, and routine talk
Assurances:
Giving each other assurances about commitment
Social Networking:
Spending time with each other’s social network
Task Sharing:
Performing routine tasks and
chores relationship together

6. Additional Maintenance Behaviors
Supportiveness:
Giving social support and encouragement
Joint Activities:
Engaging in activities and spending time together
Romance and Affection:
Revealing positive, caring feelings for each other
Humor:
Using inside jokes and other forms of humor
Constructive Conflict Management:
Promote problem-solving and harmony

7. Antisocial Maintenance Behaviors
From Box 9.2 (p. 210)
Avoidance
No flirting
Talking about others (esp. a partner)
Jealousy induction
Spying
Infidelity
Allowing control
Destructive conflict

8. In sum-- Prosocial Maintenance Behaviors..
predict whether couples stay together or break up.
are positively associated with relational satisfaction and commitment (especially positivity, assurances, & social networking).
Antisocial Maintenance Behaviors
Manipulative and controlling
Why would a partner ever use these behaviors?
They decrease satisfaction and even sometimes lead to termination
When used as “maintenance” they are attempts to control the partner (prevent breaking up), make partner see you as more desirable, to avoid conflict, or keep relationship at “desired level” of intimacy or closeness.

9. Modality of Maintenance Behavior
Modality = channel of communication
Face-to-face or mediated
Some maintenance behaviors can be done in both modalities but others cannot (e.g., task sharing such as working on a paper together vs. doing dishes)
Facebook users tend to send messages of assurance and positivity
Close friends and romantic partners need more than just Facebook to maintain intimacy.

10. Maintenance Behaviors in Online Relationships
Wright (2004)—openness and positivity most frequently used
Types of relationships (Rabby, 2007)
Virtual relationships
Pinocchio relationship
Cyber emigrant relationships
Real world relationships
Virtual-only group least maintenance behavior unless highly committed
How do we end a relationship in a social networking site?

11. Maintenance Behaviors in Romantic Relationships
Openness, assurances, and positivity seem to be most common
However, patterns change overtime:
As become more committed, may provide more assurances, share more tasks, and integrate social networks
Dating, more mediated communication
Openness and positivity may peak before full commitment (marriage)
Once married, maintenance
may be curvilinear

12. Maintenance in Same-Sex Friendships
Girls value communication—talking (35% of year- old girls said giving up telephone most difficult).
Boys value engaging in activity—doing (only 6.5% said giving up telephone would be most difficult)
The “doing” versus “talking” distinction extends to adult friendships of men and women.
However, differences in men’s & women’s friendships not that dramatic; more similarity than difference.

13. Challenges in Maintaining Cross-Sex Friendships
Emotional Bond Challenge
People are socialized to see members of the opposite sex as romantic partners
Feelings of closeness can be
confused with romance
Sexual Challenge
Sexual attraction
One or both may desire a sexual
relationship
Public Presentation Challenge
Having to “explain” the friendship
Jealousy from romantic partners

14. Maintenance in Cross-Sex Friendships with Romantic Intent
Strictly Platonic
Less joint activity & flirtation, but more talk about outside relationships
Mutual Romance
Most maintenance behavior
Desires Romance (Partner doesn’t want romance)
High level of maintenance but least likely to talk about the relationship
Rejects Romance (Partner wants romance)

15. Reasons for Keeping a Cross-Sex Friendship Platonic
safeguarding the relationship
most common
not attracted
network disapproval
third party relationship
risk aversion
time out

16. Maintaining “Friends with Benefits” Relationship
48%-68% of college students have had at least one friends-with-benefits relationship.
Advantages: sex with trusted other but no commitment
Disadvantages: fear of romantic feelings (or hurt)
Maintaining FWB relationships includes rules to regulate:
emotional attachment
no jealousy
sexual activity
communication
secrecy
permanence/sex temporary
value of the friendship
Women value friends, men value benefits

17. Maintenance in Long-Distance Relationships
Between 25% to 40% of college students’ romantic relationships are long-distance (2001).
Despite less face-to-face communication, many LDRs are satisfying (and partners report strong love), in part because:
Idealization
partners can control the communication
partners often on their “best behavior” when together
prepare for time together

18. The Dialectical Perspective
Relationships are dynamic rather than static entities.
In healthy relationships people adapt to one another’s changing needs by managing dialectical tensions.

19. Dialectical Tensions
People experience dialectical tension when they want to fulfill seemingly contradictory needs
Dialectical tensions have both internal and external manifestations
Internal: interaction within the relational dyad
External: how the couple interacts with people outside of the dyad

20. Baxter’s Typology of Dialectical Tensions
Integration- Stability- Expression- Separation Change Privacy
Internal
Connection Autonomy
Predictability-Novelty
Openness- Closedness
External
Inclusion- Seclusion
Conventionality- Uniqueness
Revelation- Concealment

21. Dialectic of Integration-Separation
Connection-Autonomy: Individuals want to be close to their partners, but they also want personal freedom Inclusion-Seclusion: Couples want to spend time with their social network but they also want time alone

22. Dialectic of Stability-Change
Predictability-Novelty: Individuals want routine and consistency in their relationships/partners, but also want spontaneity and novelty. Conventionality-Uniqueness: Couples want to adhere to social norms to fit in with others, but they also want to see themselves as special and unique.

23. Dialectic of Expression-Privacy
Openness-Closedness: Individuals want to feel free to self-disclose but also to keep some secrets. Revelation-Concealment: Couples want to talk about their relationships with their social networks, but they also want to keep some aspects of their relationships private.

24. Managing Dialectical Tensions
Selection: Deciding to value one side of the dialectic more than the other
Separation: Favoring different sides of the dialectic at different times
Cyclic Alternation: cycling back and forth between the two sides
Topical Segmentation: emphasizing different sides of the dialectic based on topic or context

25. Managing Dialectical Tensions, cont.
Neutralization: avoiding full engagement of either side of the dialectic
Moderation: striving to reach a midpoint
Disqualification: striving to be ambiguous so neither side of the dialectic is engaged
Reframing: adjusting perceptions so that the dialectics are viewed as complementary rather than contradictory
Probably the best strategy overall

26. Rawlins’ Dialectical Tensions in Friendships
independent-dependent
expressive-protection
judgment-acceptance
affection-instrumentality
public-private
ideal-real