1. Crawford...Smawford. Let's admit it!

2. He must be one of Barkai's students.

3. This guy must have skipped evidence the day they did the best evidence rule.

4. I know that all witnesses are competent, but this is ridiculous.

5. Daubert has turned this place into a zoo.

6. So you're sure he'll just roll over on cross, right?

7. Judge, the witness is clearly hostile. He bit my mailman yesterday.

8. Are you certain that he can use ALPO to refresh memory? (Anything can be used to refresh)

9. What do you mean it’s not hearsay? That’s the same bark he made that day

10. I think we can take judicial notice Barry. It seems to be local common knowledge that Sarah Palin is an idiot.

11. I don’t think Sally is going to go for a hearsay catchall exception.

12. “’Take the stand’; my lawyer says, ‘What could it hurt?’ he says.”

13. “First timer, eh? You’ll learn real quick not to talk about your ‘good character’ next time you testify.”

14. What a coincidence, my lawyer had Barkai for evidence too!

15. “I am still waiting for my attorney’s timely objection.”

16. Al takes offense to the suggestion that his long nose is a character trait for untruthfulness

17. The defendant’s big mouth opened the door to character attack on cross examination

18. Sure I know of the cat's reputation. He's a bad cat. pertinent

19. Yeah, he does have a reputation for truthfulness. He lies like a dog 608(a)

20. Of course I'm biased! It was a cat for god’s sake.

21. What a coincidence. My lawyer had Barkai for evidence too!

22. He said, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."

23. I can't help it if everything people say when I am around is an excited utterance.

24. Sure I was excited. The can said "R-A-I-D."

25. Unfortunately, Bessie's "excited udderance" came too late to save Farmer Brown

26. To hell with relevancy! Ask him what he ate at McDonalds!

27. He said he intended to go to the blue light. (Hillman case)

28. Yes, they were Bzz-ness records.

29. Hey, how was I suppose to know it was "evidence." I thought it was a free meal.

30. Why didn't Scalia just tell us what is testimonial?

31. So I asked my son about the dent in the car and he said, "Subsequent remedial measures are irrelevant."

32. Thanks to rule 403, we’ve still got time for a round of golf this afternoon.

33. The store's reputation? It was a fly-by-night operation

34. Yeah, the Defendant has a reputation in the community as a real pest

35. “First timer, eh? You’ll learn real quick not to talk about your ‘good character’ next time you testify.”

36. “So you’ve read Crawford and now you think they’re going to come down here and set you free?! Sure thing, buddy! I bet Scalia himself will come down to let you out! Ha!”

37. So your wife didn’t use her spousal privilege either?

38. It's called a "Statement Against Interest." Just tell them you overheard me in the chow line, and you can't find me now.

39. Absolutely! The defendant has a reputation in our community for peacefulness. Unlike most of us, he sometimes refrains from pillaging the women and children when we go on our daily raids of nearby villages.

40. Well, Your Honor, I think it’s pretty clear that I’m an expert in all things “Viking.”

41. 615? What's 615?

42. Wannabe Experts Beware of the Daubert Gatekeeper

43. Yeah, my objection to my wife's testifying against me because it was a confidential spousal communication was overruled. I guess I shouldn't have had her invite her friends over to watch American Idol that night.

44. The rules of privilege prevent me from telling you what "your friend" should do if he wanted to "make someone disappear."

45. So Your Honor, you are saying we opened up the door when I was talking about how truthful Mr. Grimes was? Well, I would request that Your Honor close the door at this time.

46. I'll give you a present sense impression.

47. The practice of law has gone to the dogs.