1. Things you can do Bob Baynham Educational Psychologist
Coping with bullying
Things you can do
Bob Baynham
Educational Psychologist

2. Overview Recap on bullying What are your options? The middle way
Principles
Techniques
Group work / discussion

3. What are your options? Just take it and do nothing
It will happen again
What is the effect on you?
May be justifiable as a positive stance of faith, but...
For conscience toward God, endure grief, suffering wrongfully – 1 Peter 2/17
“turn the other cheek” – Matthew 5/39
Love your enemies – Matthew 5/44-46

4. What are your options? Give as good as you get
Standing up to the bully?
What is the effect on you?
May be justifiable as a positive stance of faith
God gets angry – why can’t we?
Be angry and do not sin – Ephesians 4/26-27
Be not quick ... to become angry” – Ecclesiastes 7/7-9
Leads to bad feeling – and perhaps worse

5. What are your options? Make a complaint A last resort – Acts 6/1
What is the effect on you?
Follow the scriptural pattern – Matthew 18/15-17
Take personal responsibility
Find allies
Take it to your manager or HR
Make sure it’s about problem-solving not retribution

6. The middle way Taking personal responsibility
Resolution not retribution
Assertiveness – the Goldilocks option
Not passive
Not aggressive

7. Passive or aggressive
Video examples

8. Comments? What did you hear? What did you see? Tone of voice Coherence
Lack of confidence
What did you see?
Body language
Eyes
Body
Position

9. Passive Behaviour Signs
Reluctant to express own opinions, and feelings
Passive
Often feels used by others
Refrains from complaining
Finds it difficult to refuse the requests of others
Acquiesces in the views and desires of the majority
Is submissive in the presence of aggressive behavior
Frequently makes compromises for harmony

10. Passive Behaviour Reasons
Fear of rejection
Reasons
Fear of upsetting others
Passive
Feeling responsible
Inappropriate inner voices
Inner voices = “Self-Talk”

11. Aggressive Behaviour Signs
Frequently argues with others
Aggressive
Frequently gets angry
Easily and frequently finds fault with others
No difficulty in complaining when receiving poor quality
Expects others to accommodate own schedules
Continually works to personal agendas at others expense
Rarely feels aware of the needs or feelings of others

12. Aggressive Behaviour Reasons
Satisfying their own needs
Disregard the needs of others
Reasons
Think as superior beings
Aggressive
Childhood emotional trauma
Over-correction of being too passive
Inappropriate dealing with anger

13. The middle way
Work with the people next to you (twos and threes). What are the characteristics of assertiveness? Flipchart feedback
Bill Rogers – Behaviour Management
Resolution -> Restitution

14. Assertiveness is NOT… A guaranteed Way to get what you want
A guaranteed way to win every argument
A way to get
others to feel
like you feel
or think like
you think
Telling everyone
everything all the time

15. Need for Assertiveness
Lack of assertiveness leads to
Depression:
feeling helpless
with no control
over your life
Resentment:
anger at others
for taking
advantage of you
Frustration:
why did I let
that happen
Temper:
if you can't express
anger appropriately
it can build up to
temper outbursts
Relationships:
when individuals
can't tell each
other what they
want
Anxiety:
you may avoid
certain situations
which make you
feel uncomfortable
Stress:
stress can have
a negative impact
on the body

16. Benefits of Being Assertive
Makes you feel
better about yourself
People understand you better
Assertiveness is a valuable skill in career progression
Minimizes
any unpleasantness
Able to adapt to changing
social and professional
environments - transferrable
Helps have better
Relationships with others
Doesn’t leave you with bad feelings
Reduces stress

17. Principles of assertiveness
Respect yourself
Confront the situation – don’t ignore it
Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions
Choice not reaction
Clear, honest communication
Equality of respect / rights
Understand the other person’s needs
Problem solving / negotiation
Use it appropriately

18. Communication Passive Assertive Aggressive Style Not expressing needs
Self-devaluing
Waiting to be led
Honest, open, direct
Recognises own rights
Listens to others’ needs
Domineering, insisting
Win / lose
Not listening
Non-verbal behaviour
Small posture
Quiet, hesitant voice
Little eye contact
Upright, balanced pose
Firm, clear voice
Steady eye contact
Interrupting
Loud
Staring, pointing
Language
Sorry to bother you …
I can’t seem to …
It’s only my opinion
I believe/need/I’d like
No (when appropriate)
Open questions
That won’t work
You can’t be serious
Your problem / fault

19. Principles of assertiveness
Respect yourself
Confront the situation – don’t ignore it
Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions
Choice not reaction
Clear, honest communication
Equality of respect / rights
Understand the other person’s needs
Problem solving / negotiation
Use it appropriately

20. I’m okay – you’re okay You shall love your neighbour as yourself
Matthew 19/19

21. Know Your Basic Rights And responsibilities To Assert To change mind
To decide
To dignity
To be angry
You have rights – and so do others.
Eg: Right to be heard (in school)… But in turn!
Right to be angry… but not a right to behave in an angry way.
To make mistakes
And responsibilities
To say No
To express
To feel
To be safe

22. Principles of assertiveness
Respect yourself
Confront the situation – don’t ignore it
Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions
Choice not reaction
Clear, honest communication
Equality of respect / rights
Understand the other person’s needs
Problem solving / negotiation
Use it appropriately

23. Problem-solving and negotiation
Daniel 1/5, 8-16
Followed by CHB 348

24. Principles of assertiveness
Respect yourself
Confront the situation – don’t ignore it
Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions
Choice not reaction
Clear, honest communication
Equality of respect / rights
Understand the other person’s needs
Problem solving / negotiation
Use it appropriately
Negotiation…
A B
Desired Point Bottom line
________________________|
|__________________________
Overlap
Greater than usually expected

25. Ecclesiastes 3
1. For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
7. a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

26. Techniques of assertiveness
Positive self-affirmation
Rehearse
Speak to the bully
Use “I” statements
Body language
Don’t get side-tracked
Negative enquiry
Negative assertion
Fogging
Broken record

27. Affirmations for Work I am a competent and confident person
I have skills and experience
People listen to what I have to say
At meetings I make a significant contribution
Some of these
affirmations may appeal, others may not.
Develop a set for yourself
I am independent of the approval of others
I can always find opportunities in situations of change
I am creating my desired future

28. Affirmations for Life I am what I am
I am loved by God and his son, the Lord Jesus Christ
I am a sweet savour of Christ to all I meet
In loving myself I love others
Some of these
affirmations may appeal, others may not.
Develop a set for yourself
I am continually developing to be more like Jesus
I am open to the opportunities this day brings; eg, I will look for opportunities to serve Christ
In giving I achieve more
I am open to the opportunities this day brings

29. Techniques of assertiveness
Positive self-affirmation
Rehearse
Speak to the bully
Use “I” statements
Body language
Don’t get side-tracked
Negative enquiry
Negative assertion
Fogging
Broken record

30. Speak to the bully
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church.
Matthew 18/15-17

31. I Statements 1. ‘I’ statements are among the most powerful you can
make, both for yourself and others
2. In ‘I’ statements you are
affirming who you are
and what you want.
‘I’ statements can be used
in a variety of ways:
● Situation
● Interpretation and understanding
● Feelings and emotions
● Wants and needs
● Future actions
When you say…, I feel…
Using them is the
hallmark of assertiveness

32. Non Verbal Aspects of Assertiveness
Eye Contact
-Passive uses very little
-Aggressive never drops eye contact
-Assertive person uses about 50 % of the time
Voice Tone
-Non Assertive : Too Soft, Hard to hear
-Aggressive: Too Loud
-Assertive:
effective tone modulation
Posture
-Passive: Fold in themselves and make small fidgets.
-Aggressive: Confront and stand up.
Assertive: Stand up tall straight.
Position and Space
-Respect keeping on the same level.
-Sit down if the other is.
-Stand up when the other is.
-keep arms distance
Facial Expression
-Face should reflect the emotion being expressed.
-“I am Angry” needs serious expression.
“Delighted” needs a happy expression

33. Negative Enquiry Negative Enquiry Enquiry is real fun.
You invite extra criticism and/or
examples so that you have the
benefit of additional feedback.
ACCUSATION
‘You’re lazy’
‘You’re always late’
‘You’re stupid’
‘You’re selfish’
REPLY
‘Oh really, in what way?’
‘Always? How do you
know that for a fact?’
‘My understanding may
be different from yours,
what exactly do you mean
by that?’
‘Can you explain why
this particular instance
has caused you to
brand me with
such a
label?’

34. Negative Assertion When people call us names,
or give us negative labels, we usually wish to defend ourselves
Negative Assertion
2. Aggressive or manipulative people who
do this to us soon find our weak spots.
3. Negative assertion is like jujitsu where you
use the power of your protagonist to turn the
situation to your advantage
4. No one is perfect, so in negative assertion
All you do is accept the part of the that is true,
in a matter of fact way
Look at the examples:
‘If you think that, you must be stupid’
You: ‘I admit I’m not the brightest person
around’
‘And you are always making mistakes’
You: ‘Yes, I do make mistakes
occasionally’

35. Fogging
Fogging
Fogging involves using words that acknowledge the other person's point of view, and accepting that it might be true under some circumstances, but
without necessarily accepting it is true of you. Fogging is particularly powerful if you are able to restate the other person's opinion in a way that could be true of anyone or everyone, e.g.
"You're always making mistakes" “We all make mistakes."

36. Broken Record Repeat yourself again and
again and again, until the person
gives in or concedes to your demands.
2. Most people capitulate after
you repeat yourself three times.
Broken record is particularly useful when:
Dealing with those in authority
You are not getting what you are entitled to
Dealing with people brighter or more fluent than you
The other person is likely to use put-downs
Because you just have to repeat yourself,
broken record is really easy to use.

37. Broken record EXAMPLE You: ‘The program was not up to standard,
and we did not cover all the elements said
in the brochure so I want a refund.’
Reply: ‘Other people have not complained,
in fact some of the evaluations are excellent.’
You: ‘They might be, but I want a refund
because the work was not up to standard.’
Reply: ‘In my opinion as a course tutor
the course was up to standard.’
You: ‘I can appreciate that is your
opinion but I want a refund.’
Reply: ‘It is not our policy to give refunds.’
You: ‘That may be your policy but I want
a refund.’

38. The blind man healed by Jesus
John 9
I went and washed and received my sight (v11)
I washed, and I see (v15)
I was blind, now I see (v25)
I have told you already (v27)
And yet he opened my eyes (v30)
Never..has it been heard that anyone opened the eyes of a man born blind (v32)

39. What is assertiveness?
Work with the people next to you (twos and threes). Watch the scenario

40. What is assertiveness Revisit our earlier flipchart
What would we add or take away?

41. What is Assertiveness ?
An honest, direct, and appropriate expression of one's feelings, thoughts, and beliefs
Assertiveness is the ability to communicate your needs, feelings, opinions, and beliefs in an open and honest manner without violating the rights of others