1. Potent Parenting Dr. Steven Craig & Dr. Ronna Smith-Craig
Craig Counseling Services
Birmingham, MI

2. What are we going to cover today?
Ideas about developing a philosophy or guideline for parenting
Various parenting approaches
A specific method for thinking about your parenting approach

3. What is Parenting?
Parenting is the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child – from infancy to adulthood.

4. Importance of having a goal or philosophy of parenting
Gives you a guide for the long-term
Helps you to not just to REACT to behavior and situations
Helps you be CONSISTENT in your parenting

5. there are many Common Parenting Approaches
Some common parenting approaches:
Positive Parenting - providing unconditional support; guiding children and supporting them for healthy development.
Spiritual Parenting - respecting the child's individuality, making space for the child to develop a sense of their own beliefs through their personality and their own potentials
Slow Parenting – less planning and organizing for children; instead allowing them to enjoy their childhood and explore the world at their own pace.
Strict Father Model – An authoritarian approach, places a strong value on discipline as a means to survive and thrive in a harsh world.
Attachment Parenting – Seeks to create strong emotional bonds, avoiding physical punishment and accomplishing discipline through interactions recognizing a child's emotional needs all while focusing on holistic understanding of the child.
Taking Children Seriously – Sees both praise and punishment as manipulative and harmful to children and advocates other methods to reach agreement with them.
there are many Common Parenting Approaches

6. “Spiritual Parenting Model”
Respect the child's individuality
Make space for the child to develop a sense of their own beliefs
Focuses on the child’s individual personality and their own potential

7. “Slow Parenting Model”
Less planning and organizing for children
Allow children to enjoy their childhood
Explore the world at their own pace

8. “Strict Parenting” Authoritarian approach
Places strong value on “discipline”
Focuses on preparing children to survive and thrive in a harsh world

9. “Attachment Parenting Model”
Seeks to create strong emotional bonds
Avoids physical punishment and accomplishes discipline through interactions
Recognizes a child's emotional needs
Focuses on holistic understanding of the child

10. No “One Method Fits All”
Your parenting approach will depend on:
Your child’s temperament, interests, skills, motivations
Your (and your co-parent’s) temperament, motivations and your own comfort levels
Your family situation
There is no “one method fits all” approach.
Your approach often depends on
Your child’s temperament, interests, skills, motivations
Your (and your co-parent’s) temperament, motivations and your own comfort levels
Your family situation

11. A Tale of Two Boys
Part One

12. A Tale of Two Boys
Part Two

13. Traditional, basic goal of parenting:
Provide for a child’s physical needs
Protect them from harm
Teach skills and cultural values
Traditional, basic goal of parenting:
What is the goal of parenting?
Usually, the goal of parenting is to provide for a child's physical needs, protect them from harm, and impart in them skills and cultural values until they reach legal adulthood.

14. Traditional, basic goal of parenting:
Provide for a child’s physical needs
Protect them from harm
Teach skills and cultural values
Traditional, basic goal of parenting:
Stand up for themselves
Manage their emotions
Live according to values
Become independent, compassionate adults
So that they can:
We would add:
…so that they can stand up for themselves, manage their emotions, live according to their highest values, and become independent, compassionate adults.

15. Provide for a child’s physical needs Protect them from harm
Teach skills and cultural values
Traditional, basic goal:
Stand up for themselves
Manage their emotions
Live according to values
Become independent, compassionate adults
So that they can:
Thrive in the “real world”
And eventually:
AND
...have the skills required to live in the world that they will reside in.

16. Beneficial Parental Behaviors
We know children benefit when their parents:
Communicate honestly and give clear explanations
Stay CONSISTENT
Provide structure, routines, and clear expectations
Use community resources
Take an active interest in child's educational and early developmental needs
Have a strong awareness of what child is doing/learning …and how it affects them
Beneficial Parent Behaviors
We know that children benefit when their parents:
Communicate honestly about events or discussions that have happened and explain clearly to children what happened and how they were involved if they were
Stay CONSISTENT – structure, normal routines, and clear expectations and consequences benefit children incredibly
Use resources available to them, reaching out into the community;
Take an interest in their child's educational needs and early development
Have a strong awareness of what their child is doing and learning and how it affects them

17. Approaches to Discipline
Rules of traffic
Instructional approach
Parents explain how to behave with little explanation of deeper moral and social implications
Fine gardening
Belief that children have positive and negative qualities
Parents "weed out" or "prune” away negative qualities.
Discipline Approaches
Rules of traffic – an instructional approach to discipline where parents explain to their children how to behave, teaching the rules of behavior as they would the rules of traffic, with little explanation or deeper moral and social implications.
Fine gardening – parents believe that children have positive and negative qualities, the latter of which parents should "weed out" or "prune" into an appropriate shape.
Rewards and punishments – a method of discipline based on logic: for a good behavior the child receives a reward or praise and for a bad or unwanted behavior the child receives a punishment or reprimand.  Teaching a child by this logic may be very effective if it is done consistently.
Concerted cultivation– fostering children's talents through organized leisure activities. Parents challenge their children to think critically and to speak properly and frequently, especially with other adults.

18. Approaches to Discipline (continued)
Reward and punishment
Desired behavior  reward or praise
Unwanted behavior  punishment or reprimand
Concerted cultivation
Foster children's talents through organized leisure activities
Parents challenge their children to think critically and to speak properly and frequently, especially with other adults.
Discipline Approaches
Rules of traffic – an instructional approach to discipline where parents explain to their children how to behave, teaching the rules of behavior as they would the rules of traffic, with little explanation or deeper moral and social implications.
Fine gardening – parents believe that children have positive and negative qualities, the latter of which parents should "weed out" or "prune" into an appropriate shape.
Rewards and punishments – a method of discipline based on logic: for a good behavior the child receives a reward or praise and for a bad or unwanted behavior the child receives a punishment or reprimand.  Teaching a child by this logic may be very effective if it is done consistently.
Concerted cultivation– fostering children's talents through organized leisure activities. Parents challenge their children to think critically and to speak properly and frequently, especially with other adults.

19. some Parenting Spectrums
OTHER SPECTRUMS OF PARENTING STYLES
Rules/expectations spectrum
Involvement spectrum
Rules/Expectations Spectrum
Involvement Spectrum

20. Rules/Expectations Spectrum
Authoritarian
Authoritative
Permissive
RULES/EXPECTATIONS SPECTRUM
Authoritarian________________Authoritative_________ ________Permissive

21. Authoritarian Style Authoritarian Parenting Style Attributes
Children raised according to this style often:
Demands obedience
Results in punishment
Roles and expectations are rigid
Children have little input
“Patriarchal” style
Are moody, unfriendly, unhappy
Exhibit undesirable behaviors
Have problems in social situations and in school
Authoritarian Style
Obedience is demanded of children
Punishment (often without clear explanation of wrongdoing) is the result if rules are broken
Roles and expectations are rigid - children are allowed very little input
“Patriarchal” style
Children brought up with this style often
Are moody, unfriendly, unhappy
Exhibit undesirable behaviors
Have problems in social situations and in school

22. Permissive Style Permissive Parenting Style Attributes
Children raised according to this style are often:
Little structure, few rules
Parents lenient toward misbehavior
Children set the roles, rules and expectations
Parents avoid conflict with children
Punishment rarely used to enforce rules and expectations
Impulsive
Aggressive
Rebellious
Underachieving
Permissive Style
Little structure; few rules; parents are lenient toward misbehavior
Parents allow children to set roles, rules and expectations based on the children’s own preferences
Parents avoid conflict with their children
Parents rarely use punishment to enforce rules/expectations
Children raised with this style of parenting tend to be:
Impulsive
Aggressive
Rebellious
Underachieving

23. Authoritative Style Authoritative Parenting Style Attributes
Children raised according to this style often:
Clear roles and expectations
Children are allowed input
Reason and authority used, but child’s perspective is considered
Parents monitor instead of “rule”
Are energetic
Exhibit self-reliance
Strive to achieve
Authoritative Style
Roles and expectations are clear, but children are allowed input
Reason and authority are used to enforce rules and expectations, but the child’s perspective and concerns are considered
Parents monitor instead of rule
Children brought up with this style often
Are energetic
Exhibit self-reliance
Strive to achieve

24. Rejecting Involved Over-Involved Involvement Spectrum
Over-involved Involved Rejecting

25. Rejecting Parenting Parent REJECTS the role of parenting
Characteristics of Rejecting Parents
Children raised according to this style often:
Parent REJECTS the role of parenting
Fails to pay attention to the child’s needs
Too involved meeting own needs and wants
Feel unwanted
Develop serious psychological problems
Are underachieving
Rejecting Style
A parent REJECTS the role of parenting
Parents fail to pay attention to the child’s needs (usually because they are too involved meeting their own needs and/or wants)
A child raised by rejecting parents
Often feels unwanted
Often has serious psychological problems
Is usually an underachiever

26. Over-Involved Parenting
Characteristics of Over-involved Parents
Children raised according to this style are often:
Hovering (“Helicopter Parent”)
Fail to allow child to make decisions or meet their own needs
Interrupt child’s ability to function independently
Dependent
Anxious
Underachieving
Over-involved parents
The “Helicopter Parent”
Parents fail to provide space for the child to make their own decisions or meet their own needs
Parents interrupt the child’s ability to function on their own
Children raised by over-involved parents are often
Dependent
Anxious
Underachieving

27. Involved Parenting Tend to be respectful of self and others
Characteristics of Involved Parents
Children raised according to this style often:
Balanced style
Parents meet child’s needs
Allow child responsibility for age-appropriate self- care and personal growth
Attentive to child
Do not do for child what he/she is capable of doing for self
Tend to be respectful of self and others
Tend to have resourceful behavior
Involved Style
A balanced style
The parents meet the needs of the child but also allows the child to be responsible for age-appropriate self-care and personal growth
Attentive to the child, assists the child, but does not DO for the child when the child is capable of DOING for him/herself
Children raised by “Involved” parents
Tend to be respectful of self and others
Tend to have resourceful behavior

28. Approaches to Parenting
Questions or Comments
Questions/Comments

29. One Model of Parenting
A spectrum of roles

30. Spectrum of Involvement
Least
Most
Observer
Consultant
Manager
Director
Roles of a Parent
The roles of a parent
Observer
Consultant
Manager
Director
(with a graphic/downward-shaded arrow to show least to most active involvement)

31. Appropriateness of Parent’s Role Changes
With the age of your child
With safety/seriousness of given situation
Observer
Consultant
Manager
Director
The roles of a parent
Observer
Consultant
Manager
Dictator/Director
THE APPROPRIATENESS OF EACH OF THESE CHANGES WITH THE AGE OF YOUR CHILD
AND…
Minor hassle……………………………………………………...Major disaster

32. Least involved form of parenting
Observer
Consultant
Manager
Director
Least involved form of parenting
Trust child’s ability to handle given situation
Most appropriate for competent kids with non-urgent problems
Child learns within "safe" circumstances
Sympathetic listening
No unwanted advice, as long as circumstances remain "safe"
Observer
Least involved form of parenting
You trust that your child can handle this particular situation
For competent kids and nonessential problems
Excellent opportunity for learning within "safe" circumstances
Does not rule out sympathetic listening
Do not give unwanted advice as long as circumstances remain "safe"

33. Parent's advice may be accepted or rejected by child
Observer
Consultant
Manager
Director
Parent's advice may be accepted or rejected by child
Use when child has some competence, but mistakes could be more seriously or permanently harmful to self or others
Not appropriate when child doesn't have the option to reject advice
Parent shouldn't repeat "advice" over and over
Helpful to get child to "buy into" receiving advice beforehand
Helpful to set the stage before offering advice
Consultant/Advisor
Parental attempts to give advice - May be accepted or rejected by your child
Use in situations where your child has some competence, but trip-ups could be more seriously or permanently damaging to them or someone else
Decide, before you take on this role, if this is really what you want to be
If your child doesn't have the option to reject your advice, don't offer it that way
If you're going to repeat your advice over and over until they accept it, you are not being an advisor
Helpful hints if you choose this role
Try to get your child to "buy into" taking your advice beforehand
Try to offer the advice at a time when it is likely to be accepted (set the stage)

34. More intrusive parenting role
Observer
Consultant
Manager
Director
More intrusive parenting role
Use when child needs step-by-step help with a problem or situation
Allow child input in the problem-solving process and/or choices made
Active listening is still important
This role may also involve the roles of Observer or Director at times
Manager
More intrusive parenting role
Use when your child may need step-by-step help in negotiating a problem or situation (a new or complicated situation for their age/maturity level)
Allow your child as much say as possible in the problem-solving process and/or choices that they make - active listening is still important
You may also choose to be an observer or director for individual parts of the process

35. Most intrusive form of parenting -- “The Buck Stops Here”
Observer
Consultant
Manager
Director
Most intrusive form of parenting -- “The Buck Stops Here”
Choose when:
A problem is serious enough
Safety is a major concern
The problem directly and seriously violates someone else's rights
Director
Most intrusive form of parenting - "The Buck Stops Here"
Use when
A problem is serious enough
Safety is a major concern
The problem directly and seriously violates your rights or those of someone else
Often requires
Clear thinking
Emotional self-control on your part
Lots of hard work
Use less and less with older children
Set clear limits and clear consequences

36. Use less frequently with older children
Observer
Consultant
Manager
Director
Requires:
Clear thinking
Emotional self-control on your part
Hard work
Clear limits and clear consequences
Use less frequently with older children
Director
Most intrusive form of parenting - "The Buck Stops Here"
Use when
A problem is serious enough
Safety is a major concern
The problem directly and seriously violates your rights or those of someone else
Often requires
Clear thinking
Emotional self-control on your part
Lots of hard work
Use less and less with older children
Set clear limits and clear consequences