3. Intimacy: 4 meetings 9Ingredients (last week) 9Impediments 9Tools 9Making Marriage Fun

4. An average of 13,500 Americans get married every day. Abigail Van Buren says at the top of her list of the ten most common problems she sees in “Dear Abby” letters is: “My wife doesn’t understand me.” An old Kentucky law states that a wife can’t move the furniture in the house without her husband’s permission. But then a man in Kentucky has restrictions too: he can’t legally marry his wife’s grandmother. A kiss can last no longer than one second, according to an ordinance in Halethorpe, Maryland.

5. The most married person in history was probably King Mongut of Siam, the monarch in “The King and I.” He had 9,000 wives and concubines. New Hampshire has the youngest legal marriage age: 13 for females, 14 for males. In ancient Greece, the wedding cake of choice was almost always cheesecake doused with honey. The custom in ancient Rome was to break the wedding cake over the head of the bride. And only those children of women who abided by this custom were legally eligible to hold high government office. One of “Dear Abby’s” most unusual letters came from one wife who evidently didn’t understand her husband. The letter said, “My husband burns the hair out of his nose with a lighted match. And he thinks I’m crazy because I voted for Goldwater.”

6. I. Characteristics for a Strong Marriage Question Husbands Ranking Wives Ranking 1. My spouse is my best friend 2. I like my spouse as a person 3. Marriage is a long-term commitment 4. Marriage is sacred 5. We agree on aims and goals

7. 6. My spouse has grown more interesting 7. I want the relationship to succeed 8. An endearing marriage is important to social stability 9. We laugh together 10. I am proud of my spouse’s achievements Adapted from Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer, Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy, Copyright 1991, The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc., reprinted by special permission in Together Forever,Aid Association for Lutherans, Appleton, WI, 1997, p. 25

8. Question of the Day: What Blocks Intimacy in Your Marriage?

9. II. Impediments to Intimacy: What are they? 1. Emotional Baggage

10. Emotional Baggage Means...  Being tripped up by my shadow  Living in the past  Living what I have learned  Unconscious motives

11. II. Impediments to Intimacy: What are they? 2. Time

12. II. Impediments to Intimacy: What are they? 3. Children

13. This exercise is meant to create awareness of how easily we can become critical of those we love the most. Keep track of the number of times you answer “Yes” to the following statements. 1. I feel critical toward my partner three times a week or more. 2. I feel critical toward my partner for how he or she looks. 3. I feel critical toward my partner for how he or she talks. 4. I feel critical toward my partner for how he or she relates to others. 5. I feel critical toward my partner for his or her values. 6. I feel critical toward my partner for his or her household habits. 7. I wish my partner were more like me.

14. 8. I think my partner is capable of changing in the ways that I want. 9. I think my partner behaves in certain ways just to annoy me. 10. I find it hard to forgive my partner for not living up to all of my expectations. 11. I find it hard to accept the ways in which my partner is different from me. 12. My parents often criticized me when I was a child. 13. My partner often accuses me of being critical. 14. I wish I were more accepting of my partner. 15. One (or both) of my parents often criticized the other.

15. II. Impediments to Intimacy: What are they? 4. Hidden Anger …sarcasm, negativity, depression, moodiness...

16. James 1: 19-20 My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God’s eyes.

17. II. Impediments to Intimacy: What are they? 5. Distorted Thoughts

18. Distorted Thought Mean...  Cognitive Distortions:  groupthink  overgeneralization  personalization  abstraction  others...

19. Psychological Defenses (all created for a purpose) 4Denial 4Repression 4Suppression 4Projection 4Rationalization 4Intellectualization 4Dissociation 4Conversion

20. Question of the Day: What Blocks Intimacy in Your Marriage?

21. II. Impediments to Intimacy: What are they? 6. Unresolved Conflicts

22. Role Relationship Quiz On separate sheets of paper, each rate the following statements based on your personal thoughts and feelings. 1 = Strongly disagree 2 = Disagree 3 = Undecided 4 = Agree 5 = Strongly agree

23. 1. Husbands should share in household duties equally. 2. Husbands should have the final say on important decisions. 3. Husbands should be willing to cook, clean and do the same household tasks as their wives. 4. Husbands should be the head of the family. 5. A husband’s occupation should be the first priority in determining where a couple will live.

24. 6. Some of the tasks one does around the house should be based on one’s skills and interests. 7. If she wants, a wife should be able to keep her maiden name after marriage. 8. A husband should be as willing to adapt his lifestyle as his wife is. 9. If they want to work, wives should be encouraged and supported by their husbands. 10. When children are young, their mother should stay home and care for them.

25. Scoring: Now, total your points for questions 1, 3, 6, 7, 8 & 9 Total_________ Then, subtract your total points for questions 2, 4, 5 & 10Total_______ Total________ Then, add 24 to that total ________

26. Now you have your score: Your score ________ Your partner’s score________ Use the following chart to interpret your scores. Interpretation of Scores: Very Egalitarian41-50 Generally Egalitarian36-40 Transitional31-35 Generally Traditional21-30 Very Traditional10-20

27. II. Impediments to Intimacy: What are they? 7. Power & Control

28. Control Kills Oneness If you are controlling your spouses freedom and separateness, you are no longer an object of love. You have become two things your spouse will rebel against because it is a part of God’s plan. You have become the master of a slave, and you have become a parent. A spouse was never intended to be either. Cloud/Townsend

29. Question of the Day: What Blocks Intimacy in Your Marriage?

30. II. Impediments to Intimacy: What are they? 8. Male & Female Differences

31. Male & Female Differences...

32.  Communication  Sex  Pleasure  Learning Style

33. II. Impediments to Intimacy: What are they? 9. Immaturity

34. An Adult... Takes Responsibility (for feelings, actions, choices, thoughts, values, love) Requires Ownership- for self & other Values Treasures- of self & other Understands that “You are not me”

35. An Adult... Sees the Other as a Person- Not Object Allows the Other’s Experience Allows the Other to be Different Respects Freedom- of space

36. II. Impediments to Intimacy: What are they? 10. Unmet Needs

37. Needs Are Different Dr. Willard Harley, a Massachusetts psychologist, surveyed the basic needs of men and women in marriage and found that the needs are completely different. The top five basic needs of the female in marriage are: 1. Affection 2. Communication 3. Openness/Honesty 4. Financial Support 5. Family Commitment

38. The male’s top five basic needs are: 1. Sexual Fulfillment 2. Recreational Companionship 3. An Attractive Wife 4. Domestic Support 5. Admiration

39. III. Creating Greater Intimacy Intimacy grows when...

40. We risk greater openness We learn to be emotionally present We develop a high degree of caring We have a climate of trust built on fidelity and continuity We Feel Safe!

41. III. Creating Greater Intimacy Learning from the therapy relationship Learning from the process of therapy

42. Question of the Day: What Blocks Intimacy in Your Marriage?