1. : Getting Thru’ to the Ones We Love

4. Not always so easy

5. Things get in the way

6. Bad habits and lack of skill

7. Communication Danger Signs

8. Key Points Even subtle negative patterns can mean trouble for couples. Negative patterns predict the future better than the positive. To build and keep a great marriage, stop, reduce, or never begin negative patterns.

10. Other things that get in the way

11. Filters

12. Filters develop because of what we believe, how we feel, what we’ve experienced and how we grew up

13. A speaker’s filters can cause the speaker to put a particular spin on what they are telling the listener

14. A listener’s filters make the listener hear something different than what the speaker said

15. Six Main Filters

18. Fear of Getting Hurt

19. Different Communication Styles

21. Mismatched Memories

22. Pay Attention to Your Filters Make sure you have your partners’ full attention Ask your partner if they are ready to talk If a filter kicks in, tell your partner

23. Try hard not to mind-read or assume the worst Remember your differences in style Discuss things gently and with care

24. Be respectful

25. Important ingredients for good communication

26. Empathic Listening

27. I want to hear what you’re saying because I know it is important to you and I value our relationship

28. Keys for Empathic Listening Affirm your spouse, even when you disagree with his or her ideas Share your own ideas only when your spouse feels understood

29. requires emotional strength Listening…

30. Anything else?

31. Safety

32. When feeling unsafe, people may respond defensively

33. We won’t say what we are really thinking and often feel disconnected and alone

34. What do we usually do when we feel misunderstood or not listened to?

35. Raise our voices Repeat ourselves over and over Argue and attack Stop speaking and give up

36. Can’t Really Listen

37. What can we do?

38. 1. Argue Naked!

39. 2. Make it safe to talk

40. 3. Talk without fighting

41. Speaker / Listener Method A structured way to communicate safely and clearly when you really need to do it well. Not meant to be used all the time! It counteracts all of the negatives.

42. “The Speaker has The Floor.”

43. Rules for the Speaker Speak for yourself Make it brief Stop to let the listener paraphrase

44. Rules for the Listener Paraphrase what you hear Focus on the speaker’s message No rebuttals!

45. Rules for Both Speaker has the floor Speaker keeps the floor while listener paraphrases Share the floor

46. The Goal is not agreement is not to solve the problem (yet) is for each partner to feel heard and understood by the other

47. 80%

48. Problem Solving Model Problem Discussion First Problem Solution 

49. Everyone just wants to be understood!

50. It what ways might it be helpful to show the speaker that you really heard them?

51. They won’t need to increase their intensity or repeat the message

52. They can clarify their thinking

53. They feel empowered and more able to move on to problem solving

54. They might be more receptive to listening to you

55. Review

56. Rules for Listener 1. Focus on facts and feelings 2. Paraphrase the message back: Ask, “Did I get it right?” 3. No reactions allowed 4. Ask, “Is there more?”

57. Rules for Speaker 1. Speak for yourself Use “I” statements 2. Pause often 3. Affirm the Listener “That’s right,” or gently correct them 4. Speak a part of the message, then switch

58. Time to Practice Practice with a low conflict topic:  dream vacation  extra $500  favorite age as a child  dream job  what makes a good friend

59. How Did Practice Go? Questions? Challenges? Comments?