1. Leave Me Alone! ” Dr. Steve Parese Danbury, NC Insights into the Psychological World of Emotionally Troubled Youth Part 2: How can we improve relationships by avoiding power struggles?

2. When triggered, troubled youth often draw helping adults into destructive power struggles by over-reacting to basic requests with anger, sarcasm, whining, or withdrawal. When staff react in kind, we feed these battles of will and ultimately damage relationships. Avoiding Power Struggles

3. Negative Beliefs (about self and others) Negative Beliefs (about self and others) Stressful Problem Strong Feelings Impulsive Behavior Conflict Cycle Based on a model created by Nicholas Long, Ph.D. Negative Consequences

4. Negative Beliefs Reinforced by consequences Negative Beliefs Reinforced by consequences Stress Increases Feelings Intensify Behavior Escalates Consequences Worsen Conflict Cycle Based on a model created by Nicholas Long, Ph.D.

5. Negative Beliefs Reinforced by consequences Negative Beliefs Reinforced by consequences Stress Peaks Feelings Out of Control! Behavior Explosive! Consequences Severe! Conflict Cycle Based on a model created by Nicholas Long, Ph.D. POW! BAM! SPLAT! FULL BLOWN CRISIS!

6. Let ’ s read about Andy ’ s conflict with Mr. Johnson

7. Despite our training, there may be times when we react personally rather than respond professionally to challenging youth. A deeper understanding of our anger traps can help us defend against emotional overreactions in difficult situations, allowing us to remain clear, calm, and focused instead. Adult Anger Traps

8. 02/16/2011 ANGER TRAP #1STRESS Leftover stress from other home or work problems makes it easy to overreact angrily to a minor situation we might otherwise be able to handle.

9. 02/16/2011 ANGER TRAP #2 EMBARRASSMENT We feel helpless or inadequate trying to manage a challenging situation, then turn our embarrassment to anger.

10. 02/16/2011 ANGER TRAP #3 FEAR/SHOCK We feel a natural shock or fear in response to a threatening situation, then turn anxiety into anger.

11. 02/16/2011 ANGER TRAP #4 VALUES VIOLATION A core value is violated by an offensive behavior, sparking feelings of deep indignation and righteous anger. VALUES VIOLATION

12. 02/16/2011 ANGER TRAP #5 AUTHORITY CHALLENGE We engage in an angry power struggle to establish control or dominance over a defiant youth.

13. 02/16/2011 Hot Spot Situation Write about a specific situation with a youth when your buttons were pushed. Describe the TRIGGER SITUATION only. Do not write about what you did.

14. Troubled youth often have difficulty expressing themselves without aggression, avoidance, etc. One of the most powerful relationship-building tools is also the most basic: LISTENING Active Listening Skills

15. Part 3: How can we improve relationships by using listening skills with troubled youth? Dr. Steve Parese Danbury, NC Insights into the Psychological World of Emotionally Troubled Youth

16. 16 Attending +Decoding +Reflecting ACTIVE LISTENING

17. 17 ATTENDING Listening Level 1 Good listening is more than just waiting your turn to talk. Good listeners communicate concern and a willingness to help as much by what they DO than what they SAY.

18. 18 TABLE ACTIVITY: In table groups: Complete the rating of GOOD LISTENING versus POOR LISTENING HABITS

19. 19 DECODING Listening Level 2 Much of our real meaning is communicated non-verbally or paraverbally. Good listeners learn to read between the lines and interpret what is NOT said.

20. 20 How is REAL MEANING communicated? Facial expressions & body language Tone of voice/ inflection Actual words chosen 55% 38% 7%

21. 21 What emotions can you decode? Angry Helpless Frustrated

22. 22 What emotions can you decode? Embarrassed Defeated Worried

23. 23 REFLECTING Listening Level 3 Reflective listening summarizes what we hear youth saying, including a guess at their feelings. To use this technique, pay careful attention to both verbal and non-verbal messages, then briefly paraphrase what you’ve heard in your own words.

24. 24 Reflecting Feelings “I can’t believe that Tanisha posted that picture of me on Facebook! Now EVERYBODY will think I’m a total slut! I’ll teach her…” Create a statement acknowledging Alicia’s feelings without trying to solve the problem.

25. 25 Reflecting Feelings “I can’t believe that Tanisha posted that picture of me on Facebook! Now EVERYBODY will think I’m a total slut! I’ll teach her…” “I can see how __________ you are about _________________________.”

26. 26 Reflecting Feelings “I can’t believe that Tanisha posted that picture of me on Facebook! Now EVERYBODY will think I’m a total slut! I’ll teach her…” “I can see how UPSET you are about WHAT TANISHA’S DONE.”

27. 27 Reflecting Feelings Create a statement acknowledging Danny’s feelings without trying to solve the problem. “When my foster parents find out that I skipped school again today, they are going to totally lose it! They’ll probably tell Social Services to take me back. Whatever... I was getting tired of their crap anyway.”

28. 28 Reflecting Feelings “It sounds like you are ____________ about __________________________.” “When my foster parents find out that I skipped school again today, they are going to totally lose it! They’ll probably tell Social Services to take me back. Whatever... I was getting tired of their crap anyway.”

29. 29 Reflecting Feelings “It sounds like you are NERVOUS about HOW YOUR FOSTER PARENTS WILL REACT.” “When my foster parents find out that I skipped school again today, they are going to totally lose it! They’ll probably tell Social Services to take me back. Whatever... I was getting tired of their crap anyway.”

30. Key Point #4 At some level, youth in crisis WANT to tell their stories to trusted adults, but seldom say exactly what they mean. Good listeners prove they are trustworthy by truly paying attention, by decoding hidden meanings in body language and facial expressions, and by reflecting back to youth what they seem to be saying.

31. Dr. Steve Parese THANK YOU! Dr. Steve Parese For more information about staff training this content, email me SBParese@aol.comBParese@aol.com or visit: TACT2.com