1. Grief & Loss: The School Counselor’s Guide
Lacee Tolliver
We all experience pain, loss, death and grief in our life.
It can seem especially difficult for children, we view them as more vulnerable, we have natural instincts to protect them from things of this nature
Loss and grief affect the TOTAL lives of children- school, play, relationships with friends and family, physical, cognitive (thoughts about themselves)
One of the things that makes grief a complicated issue is that parents often hugely impact the way a child grieves, it makes our role in the school that much more crucial

2. Objectives Common causes of childhood grief and loss
Developmental factors
Identify normal and complicated reactions to loss and bereavement
Personal and cultural factors
Role of the school counselor
Interventions

3. Reflect Think about what you know already know about children & grief
What are common messages we hear about children & grief?
What questions do you have?

4. Definitions Loss Grief Bereavement Mourning
The disappearance of something cherished, such as a person, possession or pet.
Grief
The normal, multifaceted response to a loss. Can include emotional, cognitive, physical, behavioral and social components.
Bereavement
The process of adjusting to a loss.
Mourning
The culturally structured response to grief.

5. Historical Perspective
Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief
Berger’s 5 identities of griever
Freud
Bonanno’s 4 trajectories of grief
Resilience- most common reaction
Recovery-symptoms of intense grief for short period
Chronic dysfunction-prolonged suffering
Delayed grief-adjustment seems normal, but it then turns into recovery or chronic dysfunction after several months

6. The Statistics Of high school juniors and seniors…..
90% have experienced grief related to death
40% have experienced the death of a friend
20% have witnessed a death
1 in 20 children under the age of 15 will lose a parent
Most will get information about death & dying from parents (Parent education)

7. Causes Individuals experience grief for many different reasons
Death of a parent, grandparent, sibling, other family member or friend
Death of a pet
Parent’s divorce or move
Do not delegitimize the student’s losses
Can we brainstorm some other reasons that children might grieve or mourn?
Throughout this presentation, we will be mainly talking of traumatic loss (death) for individual students, but we might think about how we could adapt this to non-traumatic loss or crisis response (larger group).

8. Emotional & Developmental age
Influenced by…
Social supports
Circumstances
Relationship
Previous experiences
Emotional & Developmental age
Culture
 The grieving process is influenced by many issues
The impact of a death on a teen relates to a combination of factors including: * Social support systems available for the teen (family, friends and/or community) * Circumstances of the death - how, where and when the person died * Whether or not the young person unexpectedly found the body * The nature of the relationship with the person who died - harmonious, abusive, conflictual, unfinished, communicative * The teen’s level of involvement in the dying process * The emotional and developmental age of the teen  * The teen’s previous experiences with death

9. Varies across developmental stage
Responses
Varies across developmental stage
Ages 4-7
Ages 7-11
Ages 12-18

10. Responses for 4-7 year olds
Concept of Death: Reversible, personification of death. Feeling of responsibility because of wishes and thoughts. Common statements: “It’s my fault. I was mad and wished she’d die.
Grief Response: More verbalization. Concerned with process. How? Why? Repetitive questioning. May act as though nothing has happened. General distress and confusion.
Signs of Distress: Regression: nightmares, sleeping and eating disturbed. Possible violent play. Attempts to take on role of person who died
Tend to see death as temporary and reversible
Cartoons portrayal of death

11. Varies across developmental stage
Responses
Varies across developmental stage
Ages 4-7
Ages 7-11
Ages 12-18

12. Responses for 7-11 year olds
Concept of Death: Death seen as punishment. Fear of bodily harm and mutilation. This is a difficult transition period, still wanting to see death as reversible but beginning to see it as final. Do not think it could happen to anyone they know.
Grief Response: Specific questions. Desire for complete detail. Concerned with how others are responding. What is the right way to respond? Starting to have ability to mourn and understand mourning.
Signs of Distress: Regression: school problems, withdrawal from friends. Acting out. Sleeping and eating disturbed. Overwhelming concern with body. Death thoughts (desire to join one who died). Role confusion.
More advanced view of death, though still do not think it could happen to them or anyone they know
Others may expect them to provide light to the situation, pressure to do this

13. Varies across developmental stage
Responses
Varies across developmental stage
Ages 4-7
Ages 7-11
Ages 12-18

14. Responses for 12-18 year olds
Concept of Death: A more “adult” approach. Ability to abstract. Beginning to conceptualize death. Work at making sense of things.
Grief Response: Extreme sadness. Denial. Regression. More often willing to talk to people outside of family and peer support. Risk taking. Traditional mourning.
Signs of Distress: Depression. Anger often towards parents. Suicidal thoughts. Non-compliance. Rejection of former teaching. Role confusion. Acting out.
Less likely to be their first experience with death and loss

15. Complicated Grief
Complicated grief may require more intense counseling, outside referral
Traumatic loss
Intensity &
Duration
Functional decline
Total denial
PTSD type reactions
Premature death
• Increased risk for mental and somatic problems
• Reduced functional capacity
• Increase in suicide attempts
• Higher levels of health risk behaviours
• Reduced life-quality

16. Emotional & Developmental age
Influenced by…
Social supports
Circumstances
Relationship
Previous experiences
Emotional & Developmental age
Culture
For interventions to be effective, the need to be tailored 
The grieving process is influenced by many issues
The impact of a death on a teen relates to a combination of factors including: * Social support systems available for the teen (family, friends and/or community) * Circumstances of the death - how, where and when the person died * Whether or not the young person unexpectedly found the body * The nature of the relationship with the person who died - harmonious, abusive, conflictual, unfinished, communicative * The teen’s level of involvement in the dying process * The emotional and developmental age of the teen  * The teen’s previous experiences with death

17. Cultural Factors Mourning looks different from culture to culture
Socio-cultural
Ethnic
Religious/philosophical
Afterlife, burial rites, expected attitudes of loved ones, gender differences, how to tell children
What can we do in the schools to be culturally aware or sensitive in times of student grief/loss?
Some culturally accepted patterns of grieving could be seen as helpful adjustment in some cultures & harmful adjustment in others (example: China vs. Us “bonded” to deceased)
How do your own cultural views

18. Exploring personal reactions
Sensitive topic
People often avoid thinking about it
Must know our own attitudes and fears
Consider how this might impact your work with grieving students

19. ASCA National Model
IV-A-9. Providing responsive services, including grief and bereavement
IV-B-3c. Demonstrates an ability to provide counseling for students during times of transition, separation, heightened stress and critical change
IV-C-2. School counselors coordinate and facilitate counseling and other services to ensure all students receive the care they need, even though school counselors may not personally provide the care themselves
Hard to be preventative, can do some parent education if there is a crisis

20. What is our purpose? Grief is a natural process
Most will eventually be fine
Current research focusing on limitations of grief counseling & potentially harmful effects
Although we are not grief counselors, what can we do?
Support the child at school

21. In the school... Before a student returns after a traumatic loss
Talk with the student
Talk with the parent, if possible
Talk with the class
Provide a way for students to reach out to their friend
1. Talk with the bereaved student before she returns. Ask her what she wants the class to know about the death, funeral arrangements, etc. If possible, call the family prior to the student’s return to school so that you can let her know you are thinking of her and want to help make her return to school as supportive as possible.
2. Talk to your class about how grief affects people and encourage them to share how they feel. One way to do this is to discuss what other types of losses or deaths the students in your class have experienced, and what helped them cope.
3. Discuss how difficult it may be for their classmate to return to school, and how they may be of help. You can ask your class for ideas about how they would like others to treat them if they were returning to school after a death, pointing out differences in preferences. Some students might like to be left alone; others want the circumstances discussed freely. Most grieving students say that they want everyone to treat them the same way that they treated them before. In general, they don’t like people being “extra nice.” While students usually say they don’t want to be in the spotlight, they also don’t want people acting like nothing happened.
4. Provide a way for your class to reach out to the grieving classmate and his or her family. One of the ways that students can reach out is by sending cards or pictures to the child and family, letting them know the class is thinking of them. If students in your class knew the person who died, they could share memories of that person.
VIDEO of some kids responses

22. In the school... School wide
Let teachers know what to expect & what they can do
Be available for teacher support
Encourage routine
Provide both structure and flexibility
Set and enforce limits
Do not act as if nothing happened
5. Provide flexibility and support to your grieving student upon his or her return to class. Recognize that your student will have difficulty concentrating and focusing on school work. Allow the bereaved student to leave the class when she needs some quiet or alone time. Make sure that the student has a person available to talk with, such as a school counselor.

23. Ages 4-7 Art projects and drawings Balloon with a message
Books: When Dinosaurs Die, Badger’s Parting Gifts

24. Varies across developmental stage
Interventions
Varies across developmental stage
Ages 4-7
Ages 7-11
Ages 12-18

25. Ages 7-11 Acrostic poems Colleges GTI- supported by research, $28
Relaxation techniques

26. Varies across developmental stage
Interventions
Varies across developmental stage
Ages 4-7
Ages 7-11
Ages 12-18

27. Ages 12-18 Wordle Journaling/letter writing
Inside/outside art activity
Books-for lots of situations
When you get angry/sad cards

28. Remember… Grief and loss are unique for each individual
School counselors role is to help support student at school, connect to resources, identify complicated responses to grief
Questions, comments, discussion?

29. Resources http://www.childrengrieve.org/