1. CONNECTING DEEPER WITH YOUR CHILDREN Part 1: September 16, 2012 Part 2: September 30, 2012 Colleen Lam Nguyen, M.A. Marriage Family Therapist Intern Christian Psychotherapy Services www.sfchristiancounseling.com

2. Part 1: How do we Connect Deeply with our children? 3 Answers:  Listen to your child: empathy  Value your child’s uniqueness: temperament, gifts, talents  Know yourself and your child: stages of development, needs

3. Part 2: Elaborate: Listen, Value, Knowing Listen: Effective Listening Value: Encouragement vs. Praise? Know: Goals of Behavior and Discipline

4. Encourager: Every family is a work in progress, we are broken people and redeemed. Every family is a work in progress, we are broken people and redeemed. Parenting is hard messy work and so is growing up! Parenting is hard messy work and so is growing up!

5. Effective Listening: 5 steps 1. Understand the problem.  Reflective listening.  Ask open-ended questions that help you understand.  Explain the problem clearly and respectfully.  Use I-messages: “When you ______, I feel ______ because ______.” 2. Brainstorm ideas to solve it. 3. Discuss the ideas. 4. Choose an idea. 5. Use the idea.

6. Let’s Practice! : Role-play 1. Understand the problem.  Reflective listening.  Ask open-ended questions that help you understand.  Explain the problem clearly and respectfully.  Use I-messages: “When you ______, I feel ______ because ______.” 2. Brainstorm ideas to solve it. 3. Discuss the ideas. 4. Choose an idea. 5. Use the idea.

7. Encouragement vs. Praise? Why Encouragement? Romans 15:5-6 “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Builds our children’s confidence and feelings of worth! “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.” Ephesians 1:4-6 “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.” Ephesians 1:4-6

8. Praises = Value Judgments “You’re such a good boy or good girl!” “You’re such a good boy or good girl!” “You got an A! That’s great!” “You got an A! That’s great!” “What a good job you did!” “What a good job you did!” “I’m so proud of you!” “I’m so proud of you!” – What do you think? Can you think of a few?

9. Define PRAISE: Praise = external reward, worth depends on opinions of others Praise = value judgments of child So, is Praise EVER encouraging? There are times it is natural and necessary: ball game There are times it is natural and necessary: ball game

10. When to praise? Ask: What is your purpose? Control or genuine intent? What is your purpose? Control or genuine intent? The goal of the child. Is the child seeking praise for attention? The goal of the child. Is the child seeking praise for attention? The way the child receives praise, do they demand it or accepts its without expectation? The way the child receives praise, do they demand it or accepts its without expectation?

11. The Place of praise in the Parent- Child relationship: Recognize and encourage significant progress Recognize and encourage significant progress Create greater self-awareness of strengths when the child has low self-esteem and does not see his or her own strengths: “Your were so helpful” “You sang so nicely” Create greater self-awareness of strengths when the child has low self-esteem and does not see his or her own strengths: “Your were so helpful” “You sang so nicely” Guidelines: Guidelines: Be specific Be specific Notice improvement Notice improvement Always use praise with encouragement Always use praise with encouragement How to ENCOURAGE: How to ENCOURAGE: Praise: recap: comments express our values and opinions rather than help children BELIEVE in themselves. Praise: recap: comments express our values and opinions rather than help children BELIEVE in themselves. Be alert to remove value loaded words: (good, great, excellent) Instead use words which express SPECIAL MEANING of encouragement. Be alert to remove value loaded words: (good, great, excellent) Instead use words which express SPECIAL MEANING of encouragement.

12. Encouragements Phrases that show acceptance: Phrases that show acceptance: “You seem to like that activity” “You seem to like that activity” “It’s nice that you enjoy learning” “It’s nice that you enjoy learning” “I can tell you’re pleased with it” “I can tell you’re pleased with it” “Since you are not satisfied, what do you think you can do so you’ll feel happier with it?” “Since you are not satisfied, what do you think you can do so you’ll feel happier with it?” “It looks like you enjoyed that” “It looks like you enjoyed that” “How do you feel about it?” “How do you feel about it?”

13. Encouragements Phrases that show confidence: Phrases that show confidence: “Knowing you, I am sure you’ll do fine” “Knowing you, I am sure you’ll do fine” “You’ll make it!” “You’ll make it!” “I have confidence in your judgment” “I have confidence in your judgment” “That’s a rough one, but I think you can work it out” “That’s a rough one, but I think you can work it out” “You’ll figure it out” “You’ll figure it out”

14. Encouragements Phrases that focus on contributions, assets, and appreciation: Phrases that focus on contributions, assets, and appreciation: “Thanks; that helped a lot.” “Thanks; that helped a lot.” “It was thought of you to ____” “It was thought of you to ____” “That’s I really appreciate _____, because it makes my job much easier” “That’s I really appreciate _____, because it makes my job much easier” “I need your help on___” “I need your help on___” To a family group: “I really enjoyed today, thanks.” To a family group: “I really enjoyed today, thanks.” “You have skill in ____, would you do that for the family?” “You have skill in ____, would you do that for the family?”

15. Encouragements Phrases that recognize effort and improvement: Phrases that recognize effort and improvement: “You really worked hard on that!” “You really worked hard on that!” “Looks like you spent a lot of time thinking that through” “Looks like you spent a lot of time thinking that through” “I see you are moving along” “I see you are moving along” “Look at the progress you made: ____ (be specific)” “Look at the progress you made: ____ (be specific)” “You may not feel you’ve reached your goal, but look how far you’ve come!” “You may not feel you’ve reached your goal, but look how far you’ve come!” Developing the Courage to be IMPERFECT! Developing the Courage to be IMPERFECT!

16. Attitude Ephesians 4:20-23 Ephesians 4:20-23 “You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” “You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” “It look like you really hard on that… “It look like you really hard on that… ….so why not do that all the time. ….so why not do that all the time. ….its about time. ….its about time. ….see what you can do when you try!” ….see what you can do when you try!” Value and accept Value and accept Point out positive aspects of behavior Point out positive aspects of behavior Show faith Show faith Recognize effort Recognize effort Show Appreciation Show Appreciation

17. Let’s Practice Think of one encouragement you can say to your child this afternoon Think of one encouragement you can say to your child this afternoon Share with your partner Share with your partner

18. Knowing your child Behavior of both parties: parents and child Behavior of both parties: parents and child Responsibility Responsibility Discipline Discipline

19. Know: Goals of Behavior If you feel … If you feel … – Bothered, annoyed And you usually… And you usually… – Remind, nag, scold And your child’s usual response is to … And your child’s usual response is to … -Stop temporarily. Later misbehave again. Then his/her goal is probably… ATTENTION

20. Know: Goals of Behavior If you feel … If you feel … – Angry, threatened And you usually… And you usually… – Punish, fight back, give in And your child’s usual response is to … And your child’s usual response is to … -Continue to misbehave, defy you, or do what you asked slowly or sloppily Then his/her goal is probably… POWER

21. Know: Goals of Behavior If you feel … If you feel … – Angry, extremely hurt And you usually… And you usually… – Get back at child, punish And your child’s usual response is to … And your child’s usual response is to … - Misbehaves even more, keep trying to get even Then his/her goal is probably… REVENGE

22. Know: Goals of Behavior If you feel … If you feel … – Hopeless, like giving up And you usually… And you usually… – Give up, agree that child is helpless And your child’s usual response is to … And your child’s usual response is to … -Does not respond or improve Then his/her goal is probably… DISPLAY OF INADEQUACY

23. Result: Instead of understanding, we react to our feelings by punishing and/or discipline. Instead of understanding, we react to our feelings by punishing and/or discipline. Let’s talk about discipline. Let’s talk about discipline.

24. Discipline that makes sense Are discipline and punishment the same thing?  Punishment teaches children to resent and fear us. This can lower self-esteem and hurt the relationship we want to have.  Punishment teaches children they can punish others, such as by being a bully.  Rewards teach children to get something—not to cooperate.  Rewards, to be effective, have to increase as children get older. Examples of Punishment:  Threats, yelling, and put-downs.  Taking things away.  Spanking and hitting.

25. Discipline Discipline teaches kids to have self-discipline, which helps them become more responsible and make good choices. Guidelines for discipline: 1. Show respect for your child and yourself. 2. Expect your child to cooperate. 3. Provide choices. 4. Apply consequences.

26. Discipline Limits and Choices Setting limits gives you some control. Having a choice within those limits helps your child have some control, which will help her become more responsible.

27. Discipline Natural and Logical Consequences – – Consequences are different from – – punishment because:  They show respect for both you and your child.  They fit the misbehavior.  They are for bad choices—not bad kids.  They are about now—not the past.  They are firm and friendly.  They allow choice.

28. Last word of encouragement: Accept that we are powerless. Romans 5:6 “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.” Accept that we are powerless. Romans 5:6 “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.” And that Only God can restore us to sanity and we submit our lives, our children’s lives to Him and then….in His great POWER…. Know that Children should be encouraged (not expected) to pursue excellence. And that Only God can restore us to sanity and we submit our lives, our children’s lives to Him and then….in His great POWER…. Know that Children should be encouraged (not expected) to pursue excellence.

29. We Elaborated: Listen, Value, Knowing Listen: Effective Listening Value: Encouragement vs. Praise? Know: Goals of Behavior and Discipline Questions? Colleen.mft@gmail.com Colleen.mft@gmail.com

30. Reference The Parent’s Handbook: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting by Don Dinkmeyer, Sr., Gary D. McKay, and Don Dinkmeyer, Jr.