1. Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN) Conflict Resolution in the BDSM Community Alexia AKA Truth or Dare alexia@sscn.org

2. Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN) About Me  I have the training  I have the experience  But I’m still human!

3. Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN) About This Presentation  Main goals are to help:  Change how we view conflict  Keep our community together  Get things done  Not part of this presentation:  Relationship counseling  Group hugs (group sex is OK)  Quick preview of what’s coming

4. Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN) Conflict Resolution  What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I say “conflict”?  What about when I say “conflict resolution”?

5. Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN) So, What is Conflict? (And Why Define It?)  It’s inevitable  It’s based on:  Diversity and differences  Needs  Perceptions  Power  Values and principles  Feelings and emotions  Internal conflicts

6. Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN) What Do I Mean by Conflict Resolution?  It does not mean eliminating differences, needs, perceptions, power, and so on  Let’s view it as something that:  Helps us get things done  Helps us understand and improve our relationships and ourselves

7. Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN) How Is Conflict Resolution Different for Us?  We have some specific challenges  But we also have some special strengths

8. Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN) Challenges  We have a common interest in Power Exchange  “My kink is better than your kink” attitudes hurt us all  We tend to be somewhat incestuous  Cliques are a challenge anywhere  We are a diverse group  We are human  Others?

9. Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN) Strengths  We have a common interest in Power Exchange  D/s is all about managing conflict  T3WD encourages communication  We encourage safe, sane, consensual behavior  We encourage open-mindedness  We are interested in knowing ourselves  Others?

10. Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN) What Doesn’t Work?  Defeating your opponent  Avoiding the conflict  Bargaining  Going for the quick fix  Relating as a persona, not a person (non-consensual topping)  Getting others involved (unless they can really help facilitate)

11. Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN) Principles for Resolving and Preventing Conflicts  Concentrate on “we”  Look to improve the whole relationship  Look for mutual benefits

12. Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN) Steps to Resolve Conflicts Part I 1.Create an effective atmosphere 2.Clarify perceptions 3.Understand needs

13. Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN) Steps to Resolve Conflicts Part II 4.Share power 5.Keep the past and future in mind 6.Generate options 7.Identify actions to take 8.Review

14. Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN) Preventing Pointless Conflicts  Why “pointless”?  Understand and remain sensitive to the things that contribute to a conflict  Focus on the principles, not the personalities  If you are caught in the middle of a conflict, try to help the parties involved use some of these skills by using them yourself

15. Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN) Summary  Key points  Resources  Questions?  ~The End~