1. Agricultural Research Service Office of Outreach, Diversity and Equal Opportunity Cooperative Resolution Program “An Introduction to Holding Crucial Conversations ” Jeff Schmitt Alternative Dispute Resolution Specialist May 30, 2012 United States Department of Agriculture Early Resolution and Conciliation Division

2. Improve our communication skills in crucial conversations to get results

3.  Understand our contribution  Learn and understand mechanisms to maintain safety, mutual respect and purpose

4. A crucial conversation is a discussion between two or more people where: - stakes are high - opinions vary - emotions run strong The results have a large impact on the quality of your life.

5.  Wanting to win/seeking revenge  Hoping to remain safe  Believing that we only have two choices  Assuming that we know all we need to know  Being so involved that it is nearly impossible to gain a broad perspective

6.  Blame is about judging (looking backward)  Contribution is about understanding (looking forward). What did we each do or not do, to get ourselves into this situation?

7.  Contribution is easier to raise  Contribution encourages learning and change

8.  I should focus only on my contribution  Putting aside blame means putting aside my feelings  Exploring contribution means “Blaming the victim”

9.  Avoiding until now  Being unapproachable  Differences in background, preferences, communication style, etc.  Problematic role assumptions

10. The Law of Crucial Conversations: Anytime you find yourself stuck, there are crucial conversations keeping you there. Identify the crucial conversations you’re not holding or not holding well, figure out where you’re going wrong, fix it, and get better at everything.

11. Content (one event) Pattern (two events) Relationship (more than two events)

12.  Start with Heart  Learn to Look  MAKE IT SAFE  Master my Stories  STATE my Path  Explore Others’ Paths  Move to Action

13.  Work on me, first  Stay focused on what you really want to accomplish  Refuse the sucker’s choice

14.  Don’t miss the signs  Learn to look for silence or violence  silence (masking, avoiding, withdrawing)  violence (controlling, labeling, attacking)  Learn to look for your own style under stress

15. Mutual Purpose Mutual Respect

16.  Dialogue cannot begin until Mutual Purpose exists  Without Mutual Purpose people will withhold meaning  Mutual Purpose is the foundation of trust  Build Mutual Purpose

17.  When safety breaks down mutual trust is violated  Dialogues ceases when respect is violated

18. ASK YOURSELF:  What do I really want for myself?  What do I really want for others?  What do I really want for the relationship?

19.  Apologize for your role in causing/not preventing pain or difficulty when appropriate  Contrast to fix misunderstandings  Create Mutual Purpose (CRIB)

20.  Imagine what others might erroneously conclude  Immediately explain that this is what you don’t mean  Explain what you do mean

21.  Your boss is constantly giving you assignments by e-mail. You prefer to receive assignments face-to-face so you can ask questions and reset your priorities. Without personal contact you often end up switching priorities, and then wondering if you’ve chosen correctly. You don’t mind the new work – just the ambiguity. You need to talk about this.

22.  You are meeting with a hardworking, but sarcastic coworker. He or she routinely makes cutting remarks, takes cheap shots, and shakes his or her head in disgust while others are talking. You like this person and admire his or her energy, work ethic, and creativity but don’t like his or her abrasive style

23.  A coworker is putting together your team’s annual budget. Every time he or she works on it and then shows it to you, it appears that your projects have less money allotted and his or hers have more. You’re beginning to wonder if your coworker is trying to take advantage of you.

24.  C ommit to seek Mutual Purpose - Our solution is not the only one  R ecognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy - We confuse wants with strategies  I nvent a Mutual Purpose - Focus on long-term goals  B rainstorm New Strategies - Step back into dialogue

25. Tell a Story See and Hear Feel Act

26.  Separate facts from stories  Watch for three clever stories – victim, villain, and helpless  Tell the rest of the story (your contribution)

27. S hare your facts T ell your story A sk for others’ paths T alk tentatively E ncourage testing

28.  You and only you create your emotions  You can act on them or be acted on by them

29. AMPP Ask to get things rolling Mirror to encourage Paraphrase for understanding Prime to make it safe.

30. Why don’t we follow through with action?  We don’t decide well  We make vague and weak commitments  We don’t keep commitments  We don’t routinely use our crucial conversations’ skills

31.  Connect to existing long-term benefits  Stay in dialogue  Watch for the line between dialogue and threats  Listen to others’ view of natural consequences  Stop when you reach critical mass

32.  Remain flexible to deal with emerging new problems  When safety is at risk, step out of the conversation, recreate the safety, then return  When another problem emerges that is worse, leave a bookmark so you know where to return to the original problem

33. Crucial Conversations – Tools for Talking When Stakes are High Crucial Confrontations – Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations and Bad Behavior Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler www.vitalsmarts.com

34. ro www.afm.ars.usda.gov/odeo/programs.htm Jan Lewis 301-504-1450 Jeff Schmitt 301-504-1352

35. Questions?