1. Pastors as Shepherds DIAKONOS COUNSELING By: Cynthia Morse MSW LCSW

2. Pornography The depiction or experience of erotic behavior or of sexual acts that require objectification of self or others to produce a quick intense chemical and psychological reaction. Pornography is both a biological and psychological experience.

3. Key Players for the development of the diagnosis of sexual addition Montaldi: Hypersexual desire – excessive behavior – no controls – doesn’t learn from his mistakes

4. Key Players for the development of the diagnosis of sexual addiction Kafka: Paraphilia related – intensely arousing fantasies, urges, and sexual activities, increase over time, compulsive dependent on masturbation

5. Key Players for the development of the diagnosis of sexual addiction Coleman: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder-a disorder in which the individual experiences intense sexually arousing fantasies, urges and associated sexual behaviors that are intrusive, driven and repetitive. Causing interference in interpersonal and occupational functioning creating health risks, social and legal consequences.

6. SEXUAL ADDICITON DEFINED The Institute for Behavioral Medicine in Golden Valley Minnesota has developed a set of diagnostic criteria for sexual addiction. From the institute’s experience, a person ought to have five or more of the following criteria.

7. IBM criteria Sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy Sexual behavior as a central organizing principle of daily life. Inordinate amounts of time spent in obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experience.

8. IBM criteria Amount, extent or duration of sexual acting out Escalating pattern of increasing amounts of sexual experience. Persistent pursuit of self-destructive or high risk sexual desire. Persistent desire of efforts to limit sexual behavior.

9. IBM criteria Inability to stop behavior despite adverse consequences Pattern of out-of-control sexual behavior for two years Pattern of alternation excessive control and out-of-control behavior over five years Severe consequences due to sexual behavior

10. IBM criteria Presence of a clear hierarchy of sexual acting out behaviors Important social, occupational or recreational activities sacrificed or reduced because of sexual behavior

11. GIFFIN-SHELLEY Addiction has three basic elements – 1. damage to the person – 2. compulsion to continue – 3. increase tolerance

12. LUNDY: Behaviors typical of sexual addiction Denial and dissociation Avoidance behaviors Narcissism Sexual obsession Risk taking Endangering the family Desperate

13. LUNDY: Behaviors typical of sexual addiction Living a double life Tolerating abusive relationships Lacks appropriate boundaries “Space roles” belief that everyone wants sex

14. TYPES OF SEX ADDICTS Biological Psychological Trauma Based Perpetrators Sexual Anorexic

15. BIOLOGICAL Two compounds that act like an opiate drug DOPAMINIE SEROTONIN

16. BRAIN DAMAGE Repeated “hits” result in a disease of the brain’s reward centers and a corruption of the brain sensors

17. OXYTOCIN The chemical oxytocin “connection” drug levels out dopamine resulting in no damage to the brain.

18. TRAUMA BASED ADDICTION Goodman’s Position 80% are survivors (not necessarily sex abuse) “Inprinting” example: an older boy perpetrates a younger boy. Younger boy grows up to prefer male partners.

19. PERPETRATORS Ten thought processes of perpetrators – 1. original thought (pop-ups) – 2. development of fantasy – 3. self-sex or masturbation reinforcement – 4. seek victim – 5. locate specific victim – 6. make a plan, get the victim to trust him – 7. initiate the plan – 8. timing – 9. victimizing – 10. re-victimize the same person if available

20. SEXUAL ANOREXIC Compulsive withholding of connection/intimacy Examples: Busy, blaming, withholding praise, withholding sex, can’t share feelings, anger/silence, controlling or shaming around money. ROOMATE ONLY

21. Chemicals Dopamine – pleasure Adrenaline – excitement Oxytocine – connection CAT Scans of the brain

22. Pre Frontal Cortex Problems Short attention span Impulsive Procrastination Disorganization Poor judgment Lack of empathy Diminished emotions

23. Cycles of Addiction Fantasies preoccupations Porn/acting out dopamine despair Loss of emotional regulation

24. His Detachment….. Objectifying eliminates the attachment hormone oxytocin Oxytocin is the connection drug that results in a selfless desire to nurture and be close to another person. Oxytocin reduces cravings and calms you down

25. the changes in the bedroom…

26. What the wife sees….. Irritability Mood swings Provokes arguments Unexplained time or money Masturbation Computer time increases Moving the monitor so others can’t see it Detached from wife and children Wandering eyes confused

27. What the wife feels… Emotional detachment His lack of eye contact Lack of affirmation His unwillingness to talk during sex Changes in the bedroom Avoiding sex He is defensive when asked about computer, T.V. or movie habits Distrust

28. Her reality…. Change in intimacy Change in emotional attachment Change in the physical attachment His lying His deception His disconnection

29. His reality… Self-soothing Dopamine Changes in the Frontal Cortex Avoidance of intimacy Connecting to fantasies Shame driven Guilt

30. Fog of Addiction Primary Content Eye to eye Emotional Connection Relational Interactive Emotional Intimacy Secondary Content Distracted Reading newspaper, T.V., computer, movies Present but not participating In the room, but invisible Counseling Associates

31. The problem is larger than it appears

32. The Partner

33. An addiction to people, behaviors, and things. The fallacy of trying to control people, things and events. Control is central or lack of it is central to every aspect of life.

34. The codependent’s beliefs Personal identity enmeshed in another person Motivated by compulsion Low self-esteem Happiness hinges on others Feels inordinately responsible for others

35. Symptoms of Codependency Begins with pain Evolves into martyrdom, denial, & rescuing the husband Rescues & enables behaviors Wife’s personal needs go unmet Depression Anger

36. Relational Trauma Attachment injury Betrayal in a committed relationship Abandonment Unsafe relationship Relationship threatened Infidelity Neglect Abuse

37. Post-Traumatic stress disorder PTSD is diagnosed by a mental health professional Exposure to a traumatic event Persistent re- experiencing (of the event) Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (such as difficulty falling or staying asleep) Symptoms last more than one month Significant impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning

38. Relational Trauma PTSD

39. Causes of Relational Trauma 1. Proximity Maintenance: the desire to be in close proximity to the attached person 2. Separation Distress: Increase in anxiety with increased separation 3. Safe Haven: the attachment figure serves as a source of comfort and security 4. Secure Base: the attachment figure serves as a security from the world Marsha Means

40. Codependency verses Trauma Partners don’t enable once they know the reality of their situation Partners seek truth verses control

41. Trauma’s Symptoms Reliving the event Helplessness Hyper vigilance Sleeplessness Anxiety Intrusive Images Panic Attacks Depression Change in appetite Mood swings Denial Confusion Rage

42. WORK GROUPS Workbook Check in Calls Boundaries Consequences

43. Set Boundaries Confront lovingly Believe behaviors – not words Take definitive action – Talk to a trusted person or counselor Join a partner’s group Physical boundaries for yourself No patrolling

44. SUPPORT GROUPS TWELVE STEPS PUKING FEELINGS TOPICS

45. Outside Resources Counseling With trained sexual addition counselor Supportive and Safe Friends Support Group for Partners S-Anon International Family Groups Recovering Couples Anonymous Education/Reading Pastors/Clergy

46. Freedom Kansas City www.freedomkc.net An Association of Freedom Partner’s Groups New Hope Darrell Brazell www.newhope4si.com Heart to Heart Counseling Doug Weiss www.drdougweiss.com www.awomanshealingjourney.com Marsh Means

47. Resources An Affair of the Mind by: Laurie Hall Beyond the Bedroom by: Doug Weiss Boundaries by: Henry Cloud and John Townsend Choosing Forgiveness by: Nancy DeMoss Forgiving the Unforgivable by: Beverly Flanigan Living With Your Husband’s Wars by: Marsha Means Love Must be Tough by: James Dobson Out of the Shadows by: Patrick Carnes Partners: Healing From His Addiction by: Doug Weiss Sex, Men, and God by: Doug Weiss The New Drug of the Millennium by: Mark Kastleman Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by: Barbara Steffens & Marsha Means

48. COMPUTER SAFTY Clearplay.com Abstinence.net www.dlink.com/securespot-router www.saaviaccountability.com