5. What Kind of Dance Do You Have?

6. Is the goal here to have a healthy marriage? NO…. Goal is to have a healthy self by growing as a disciple

7. The Necessary Ingredients for Change In relationships Active listening Encouraging words Speaking the truth in love Active listening Encouraging words Speaking the truth in love The Necessary Ingredients for Deeper Growth In relationships Bonding Boundaries Accepting the good & the bad Becoming an adult (equals) Bonding Boundaries Accepting the good & the bad Becoming an adult (equals)

8. The Marriage Is No Better Than The People In It 1. The Marriage Is No Better Than The People In It

9. MOST WILL PICK OR MOST WILL PICK #3 OR #7 There are unconscious influences to every behavior

10. What Is Baggage?

11. What kind of “baggage” you have? Clinical ~ Relational ~ Functional Large ~ Small ~ Family ~ Trauma

12. What Lurks In The Shadows Trips Us Up 2. What Lurks In The Shadows Trips Us Up

13. What is “Ownership”? it is about the possession of what God has entrusted us it says “that is mine, I am responsible for it” it is what Jesus is calling us to in Lk. 6:42 in order for us to take responsibility for our lives, we must own what is ours in order for us to gain control of our feelings, behaviors, & choices – we must first realize they are ours & no one else's ownership offers freedom… it is about the possession of what God has entrusted us it says “that is mine, I am responsible for it” it is what Jesus is calling us to in Lk. 6:42 in order for us to take responsibility for our lives, we must own what is ours in order for us to gain control of our feelings, behaviors, & choices – we must first realize they are ours & no one else's ownership offers freedom…

14. You know you are blaming when… “If you would have only done ____, I would not have done that” “You always make me feel…” “It’s your fault” “you never listen to me” “YOU…..”“YOU…..” “If you would have only done ____, I would not have done that” “You always make me feel…” “It’s your fault” “you never listen to me” “YOU…..”“YOU…..”

15. Blaming Keeps you stuck in this way… You remain a martyr or victim Leads to anger & resentment… adds to distance & pain in the relationship Blocks you from getting what you want & taking an active role in the relationship You remain a martyr or victim Leads to anger & resentment… adds to distance & pain in the relationship Blocks you from getting what you want & taking an active role in the relationship

16. You are responsible for your buttons and reactions… Take Control of your buttons and reactions ~ Phil. 4:11-13

17. Ownership Offers Hope… Blame Breeds Despair 3. Ownership Offers Hope… Blame Breeds Despair

18. What Are Your Love Killers? Self-Centered Lack of observing oneself Inability to validate the other person’s experience (Prov. 18:13) Emotional detachment Self-Centered Lack of observing oneself Inability to validate the other person’s experience (Prov. 18:13) Emotional detachment Control & denial of separateness Playing the parent role Lack of boundaries Control & denial of separateness Playing the parent role Lack of boundaries

19. are the ingredient you bring to the marriage mix You are the ingredient you bring to the marriage mix How tasty of an ingredient are you?

20. Meaningful & Lasting Change Happens From the Inside Out

21. Concentrate on Personal Growth More Than Marital Growth 2 Peter 3:18 (NIV) 18 But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Colossians 1:28-29 (NIV) 28 We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. 29 To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me. 2 Peter 3:18 (NIV) 18 But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Colossians 1:28-29 (NIV) 28 We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. 29 To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.

22. Fixing Me ~ Fixes Us 4. Fixing Me ~ Fixes Us

23. The Health & Intimacy of Your Marriage is Directly Proportionate to your Personal Growth & Maturity as a Disciple of Jesus Christ

24. Fixing Me ~ Begins By Giving Up 5. Fixing Me ~ Begins By Giving Up

25. Giving up… My pride My ego My control My selfishness My past My need to be right My ….. My pride My ego My control My selfishness My past My need to be right My …..

26. How Do I Give up…? 1.Fall in love with Jesus 2.Desire to become more like Jesus (I Cor. 13) 3.Allow God to use: a)Relationships (Eph. 4: 15-16; 2 Tim. 2:2) b)Suffering & Circumstances (Rom. 5:3-5; I Peter 5:10) c)The Holy Spirit (Eph. 1:13-14; Gal. 2:20; John 16:13-14) 1.Fall in love with Jesus 2.Desire to become more like Jesus (I Cor. 13) 3.Allow God to use: a)Relationships (Eph. 4: 15-16; 2 Tim. 2:2) b)Suffering & Circumstances (Rom. 5:3-5; I Peter 5:10) c)The Holy Spirit (Eph. 1:13-14; Gal. 2:20; John 16:13-14)

27. The Source of Change Christ in us Fruits of the Spirit Power of the Holy Spirit Christ in us Fruits of the Spirit Power of the Holy Spirit

28. The Course of Change from the inside out God grows us… not us growing us by focusing on our heart growth more than our behavior change… focusing on our character more than our comfort using people, spouse, events, pain, joy (Eph. 4:15 (Eph. 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.) from the inside out God grows us… not us growing us by focusing on our heart growth more than our behavior change… focusing on our character more than our comfort using people, spouse, events, pain, joy (Eph. 4:15 (Eph. 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.)

29. What Does A Mature Disciple Look Like? Galatians 5:22-26 (NIV) 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. Galatians 5:22-26 (NIV) 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.