1. Hearing and Being Heard: Let’s Practice Together

2. Reflective listening – Lets the other person know that you are hearing what they’re saying – Involves restating in your own words the feelings and information that you’re receiving from the other person – Is mostly about them

3. Listening from the heart We usually think of listening as something we do with our ears Let’s use our whole body to take in the energy and intent beyond the words The primary organ used for this kind of listening is – the heart

4. Safety and spaciousness Consider your goals in listening to another person Are you giving and receiving opinions, thoughts, and judgments? Or are you creating connection, companionship, and presence?

5. Listening with trust Reflective listening from the heart means – You trust the person to find solutions that work for them – Not trying to convince them of your own solutions – no matter how brilliant they are!

6. Reflective listening tells the other person that… You want to understand what they’re thinking and feeling You appreciate their ability to – understand their situation – identify solutions – make appropriate choices, and – implement them responsibly

7. Reflective listening also says that you… Respect and accept their feelings Are willing not to judge them

8. Reflective listening feedback Helpful key phrases: “So you feel…” “So you’re thinking…” “It sounds like you…” (“You” and not “I”.)

9. The “feel” of reflection During the exercise, check in with your body: Are you registering tension, pain, or restriction? Are you feeling a sense of opening, relaxation, and release? Your physical sensations can help you understand the nature of the connection.

10. Requesting reflection “Could you reflect back to me what you’ve been hearing? I want to see if we’re on the same page.” “I’m wondering if you have clarity around what I’m saying. Could you reflect back to me what you’re hearing me say?”

11. Obstacles to connection Advice-giving Reassurance Denial of feelings Minimization One-ups-manship Sympathy Story-telling or comparison stories Avoidance Unsolicited offer of assistance Diagnosis Analysis Judgment

12. Obstacles to connection, cont’d. Advice-giving, ie, “You shouldn’t let him walk all over you. You have to start standing up for yourself.” Reassurance, ie, “Everything will be fine. You can handle this.” Denial of feelings, ie, “Don’t worry. It’s silly to worry.” Minimization, ie, “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this. It’s not nearly so drastic as you make it out to be.”

13. Obstacles to connection, cont’d. One-ups-manship, ie, “Oh, you think that was bad? I was in a 3-car pile-up…” Sympathy, ie, “Oh, that is horrible. My heart breaks for you.” Story-telling or comparison stories. “I know exactly what you’re talking about. The same thing happened to me last year, and…”

14. Obstacles to connection, cont’d. Avoidance, ie, “Oh, did I tell you about my new coat?” Unsolicited offer of assistance, ie, “I’ll go with you and hold your hand while you make that mechanic give your money back.” Diagnosis, ie, “You’re attracted to people who are really bad for you.”

15. Obstacles to connection, cont’d. Analysis, ie, “If your father hadn’t walked out when you were 5, you’d still be married today.” Judgment, ie, “Well, you knew that the industry was dying, so getting laid off shouldn’t have come as a surprise.” (Adapted from Connecting Across Differences, Finding Common Ground with Anyone, Anywhere, Anytime; 2 nd Ed, Connor and Killian, 2012.)