1. Creating A Safe School Environment with Technology Presented by Rosalind Wiseman

2. Dignity is not negotiable You matter in a child’s life Connection makes life meaningful

3. Pew Report on Teens, Kindness, and Cruelty on Social Networks 25% of social media-using teens had an experience on a social network site that resulted in a face-to-face argument or confrontation with someone. 13% had an experience that caused a problem with their parents. 13% felt nervous about going to school the next day because of an experience on a social network site. 8% got into a physical fight with someone else because of something that happened on a social network site. 6% got in trouble at school because of an experience on a social network site.

4. Goals Train adults to create and maintain a culture of dignity in their homes and schools. Empower teachers to be the bridge between students and getting help. Teach children the connection between critical thinking, social competence, ethical leadership, and technological literacy. Recognize that in moments of conflicts and abuse of power the community takes ownership competently and remembering the dignity of all involved.

5. How are we going to achieve these goals? Understand that On-line life and Real life are intertwined. Identify behaviors and attitudes associated with groups, exclusion, and bullying. Understand how boys and girls express their feelings is often culturally “mapped.” Refrain from referring to technology as bad and only teens are impulsive and use it irresponsibly. Identify and strengthen current support systems and areas for improvement.

6. If we don’t address the social climate and bullying in meaningful ways? Students’ learning is compromised. Children believe adults are either incompetent, powerless, and/or support unethical leadership or abuse of power. People with social power can use it to dominate others. Speaking out becomes “over-sensitive complaining.” School can’t be communities where critical thinking, social competence, and civil society are learned.

7. Game Statistics World of Warcraft came out in 2004. There have been 50 billion collective hours played. 250,000 in 2004 to 11.5 million today. Average 21 year-old person has spent 3 thousand hours reading books and 10,000 playing some kind of video game.

8. The Goal=sense of purpose The Rules=gives limitations on how to achieve these goals Feedback system-tells players how they are doing (levels, points, a score, grades) Voluntary participation Playing a game is the voluntary attempt to overcome unnecessary obstacles -Bernard Suits

9. Benefits of Gaming Collaboration Cooperation Coordinating Co-Creating Fun Failure

10. Satisfying work (curiosity) Hope of being successful Social connection Meaning beyond oneself Happiness

11. The right to be treated with dignity by others. The responsibility to treat others with dignity. Valuing the development of social competence as a critical academic skill. Your Students’ “Happiness” at School Is Connected to the School Climate in three ways:

12. Culture vs Climate School culture is the unwritten rules, shared ideas, assumptions, values, and believes that give an organizations its identity. School climate is the quality and character of school life based on patterns of students, parents, and school personnels’ experience of school life and reflects the norms, goals, values, teaching and learning practices, organizational structures.

13. You feel liked by the person. You don’t feel that the person wants to put you down They will stop if you ask. Good Teasing The teaser doesn't know how you feel because you won’t tell them. Or They blow you off with, “I was just joking.” “You’re so sensitive!” Unintentional Bad Teasing You’re teased about something you’re insecure about. If you defend yourself, you’re “uptight” or threatened with ending the friendship. Relentless and public. Bad Teasing/ Bullying

14. Telling to get someone in trouble. The goal is to make the problem bigger and more public. Telling because the problem is too big to solve on your own. The goal is to right a wrong. SnitchingReporting vs.

15. Group Dynamics Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.

16. 10% 10% 80%

17. A boy is a Mastermind if... When you see him in a circle of friends he’s in the middle. When other kids in his group offer ideas of what to do, he’s the one who gives ultimate approval. He is a vocal proponent of individual rights over responsibilities to others.

18. Great complimenter Good at talking to girls. Gets texts all day long from different people. Interested in other people’s business and what advantages he can get from it. A boy is an Associate if... Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.

19. A boy is a Bouncer if... He isn’t good at verbally defending himself and can’t read/understand people’s motivations. The girls in his social group don’t like him and he doesn’t understand why. Doesn’t get good grades. Easily convinced to do things that will hurt him from the adult perspective.

20. A boy is a Pleaser if...  Looks for opportunities to gain recognition from the dominating members of the group.  Often imitates more powerful boys’ behavior, clothes, and interests.  Intensely annoying to the other boys

21. What do they all have in common? Refuse to lose. If they do, they immediately make excuses, minimize the opponent’s achievement, say they didn’t try, or force the person to keep playing additional games. Define loyalty as be willing to do anything for your friends no matter what. Look for opportunities to get into “Defiant” trouble at school.

22. A boy is an Entertainer If... He’s a smart a** but he’s never mean He is good at making people feel comfortable Likes to brag in ways that are clearly absurd and untrue He doesn’t like conflict

23. He is the object of the group’s anger or ridicule. He apologizes for their behavior. He hates conflict and just wants people to get along. You can see that he’s not holding his own with the other kids in the group. A boy is a Punching Bag if…

24. A boy is a Conscience if... He’s giving work he did to his friends. Isn’t arrogant with other people and doesn’t show off. The other guys sometimes don’t like having him around because it’s like having a chaperone. Girls see him as a friend.

25. What do they all have in Common? May want to help the Target but fear losing position in the group. Is often paralyzed and silenced by dominating members of the group. May rationalize or apologize for bully’s behavior.

26. He’s comfortable hanging out with boys who are inside and outside the box. Other kids go to him for advice. He holds his own opinion but listens to others Doesn’t put people down when he disagrees with them A boy is a Champion if…

27. Drama Vs. Bullying: Bullying is using power or strength to make someone feel worthless. Usually defined as being one way. Drama is an exciting, unexpected, emotional series of events. Always defined as a conflict where both people are actively involved and not serious or hurtful.

28. The Child is the Target You Don’t Say: Bullies are insecure, jealous, or weak. Ignore it, walk away. I’m sure they didn’t mean it that way. That’s just the way the world is. You don’t realize it now but you’ll be stronger for the experience. Punch them in the face.

29. You Do Say: I’m so sorry. Thank you for telling me. Together we’re going to work on this.

30. I kept asking, “Why me?” I tried to think about what I could have done to make them do this to me. And I really didn’t move on. I wanted my friends back. I don’t like admitting it now, but after I found out it was my closest friends, I think if they had been nice to me the next day I probably would have taken them back.

31. STOP: Breathe, listen, and think when and where, now or later? EXPLAIN: What happened that you don’t like and what you want. AFFIRM: Affirm and acknowledge. LOCK: In the friendship, take a vacation or lock it out. SEAL

32. Maya: I want to talk to you about you taking my phone. Jordan: You know I love you! I was just messing around! Maya: Taking my phone without telling me and then sending those texts to Will really embarrassed me. Jordan: You’re making such a big deal out of this! If you did it to me I wouldn’t care! I would think it was funny!” Maya: Well, you’re not me and you can’t tell me how I feel. Jordan: Fine, if you’re going to be completely insane about something like this... Maya: I’m asking you as my friend to listen to me. Friends have to be able to tell each other what they are really thinking. Think about it and get back to me.

33. Common responses: Try to disappear. Use technology to get reconnaissance. Plot revenge. Deny it bothers you. Did you hear what everyone’s saying about you?

34. Here’s the SEAL I can’t control what she does. I’m not going to go back at her because that’s exactly what she wants me to do. (Can’t say, I’m not going to be so immature, pathetic, stupid etc.) I’ve directly told her that I want her to stop attacking me. It’s up to her. I hope you will back me up by not talking about how we are in this big war. 02/02/12Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.

35. Remind parents this is one moment not a lifetime. If people are upset, ask them to slow down because you want to hear them. Tell them you’ll talk to the child and get back to them. To the student: With paper in hand say, “X was reported to me. Is this accurate? Is any of it accurate? If the person was sitting right here, what would they say-- even if you think it was wrong.” The child is the Bully

36. Can you tell me why you think we’re meeting right now? Rolls eyes. Because you think I’m mean to Dan and Jackson and I’m not. I’m just joking! They know it! I don’t understand why this has to be such a big deal. Tyler, have you ever been really mad at someone, you knew exactly what you wanted to say and you carried it around with you looking for the perfect moment to tell them? Are you good at joking around like this with people? Like you’re quick with comebacks? I guess. And do you tend to be good at winning arguments? Maybe. Has anyone you’ve called gay or retarded or made a joke about their religion, ever asked you to stop? No.

37. If you’re good at arguing and comebacks, why wouldn’t a friend want to tell you when they don’t like something you’re doing? Silence. Well, it’s not my fault if they can’t speak up. I’m speaking up for them. Making comments and jokes like this are unacceptable, even when the person doesn’t say anything. Do Friendship rights.

38. I want you to get this so there are no surprises. You must stop these comments. I know you can continue doing this when I’m not around. You can go out to your friends and tell them how stupid this conversation was. You can blow it off. If you do here are the possible consequences: Please feel free to tell your parents about this conversation.

39. Copyright 2009 RPW, Inc. Use only with permission Girl World Rules of Expressing Anger Internalize and suffer silently. Deny feelings by saying, “Fine” or “Whatever” Internalize until something small (to everyone else) makes you explode in tears and/or screaming and are dismissed.

40. Copyright 2009 RPW, Inc. Use only with permission Girl World Rules of Expressing Anger Uses alcohol/drugs/cutting to deaden or release anger/anxiety. Externalize by having a “You have no idea who you are dealing with” attitude. (uploaded to internet for a larger audience) Physical fight. (uploaded to internet for a larger audience)

41. Copyright 2009 RPW, Inc. Use only with permission Boy World Rules of Expressing Anger Internalize and suffer silently. Blow it off: "It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it. It’s fine. Whatever." Laugh it off. Convince themselves there’s no point in speaking out. Rely on other boys to help them manage anger. Physically fight. Uses alcohol and/or drugs to deaden feelings.

42. Getting Clear People have the right to be angry with you but they don’t have the right to express their anger by humiliating you. There’s never going to be an answer about what you did that justifies their actions. 02/22/12Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.

43. STOP-What is the messenger’s motivation? Your answer: “Thanks for telling me. Please don’t share this with others.” Explain-You’re saying bad things about me. Is that true? Affirm/acknowledge-If I did something that upset you I want to know. But if you’re mad at me, you have to tell me. I can’t fix the problem if we can’t talk about it. Take a vacation-We used to be good friends. If you ever want to talk about this, I’m here. Getting Some Control

44. Important Questions to Ask Yourself: If I don’t confront them, what message am I communicating? How is their behavior impacting my life? Who can I go to for support? Not people who will help me retaliate but who will listen to me and help me think through how to handle this problem in a way I can be proud of and I can get some true control over the situation?

45. If these are friends, you need to ask a few more questions: What are the three things I deserve to have in a friendship? Are my friends who are doing this to me acting according to what I need in a friendship? If my friends were nice to me tomorrow, do I believe the sabotaging will stop or am I hoping for the best and putting all the power in their hands? 02/22/12Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.

46. The Child is a Bystander “I’m sorry this is happening. Thanks for telling me because I know it can be hard to come forward about things like this and I really respect the fact that you did. Now let’s think about what we can do about it.” USE SEAL TO FRAME STRATEGY Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2010

47. Choosing Your Moment

48. Mark: Forwarding those pictures of Michael was messed up. Andy: No it wasn’t! It was amazing! Mark: You know he was really mad. Andy: No I don’t! If he was so freaked out why didn’t he say anything? Mark: Because than you would make fun of him even more. Andy: It’s not my fault he’s so weak. And wait a minute, you laughed just as much as I did. Mark: I’m not proud of this but I laughed because I was nervous. All I’m asking is you lay off. Andy: Fine I’ll back off but you do realize how gay you’re being about this whole thing right? Mark: Right, I’m gay because I want you to stop making a kid miserable. Whatever. They go back to the game.

49. BOYFRIENDS/ GIRLFRIENDS Boy Crazy Don’t care Sometimes Care Never Care 02/22/12Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.

50. Sexting differences between boys and girls Girls sext in response to a request, to get a boy’s attention, or a dare. Usually a provocative pose, semi nude, kissing another girl. Boys are more likely to share with peers. So it becomes more public. Boys sext pictures of their genitals. Girls are more likely to tell an adult. The public nature is limited. 02/22/12

51. Pros-gets the boy’s attention, it’s easy--she falls into the behavior, it works Cons-Her behavior makes her vulnerable to peers’ ridicule or jealousy, identity is tied solely to her sexuality, doesn’t value other parts of her identity as worthwhile to get boy’s attention. Makes other girls ashamed/embarrassed to associate with girls. Boys have their own version (show off, player etc) because they have to be in the Boy World Box.

52. Types of Sexting Flirting, courtship, sexual identity development- coupled with methodology they’ve grown up with to express it. Relational pressure: “If you really love me.” Active solicitation to get attention. Blackmail

53. Why this is so complicated... The law defines child pornography defines as the visual depiction of sexually explicit conduct and/or depicting a minor (under 18) in a sexual act. Taking picture = creating it Sending the picture = distribution and dissemination Receiving the picture = possession

54. You are hanging out with a guy who used to hang out with another girl. You have a ton of mutual friends. At a recent party, the girl screamed “Slut!” when you walked into the room. Today at school, someone tells you that she is trashing you on her FB wall. She didn’t name you specifically but it’s obvious that she’s talking about you and she’s come up with a rude nickname. Do you… Pretend it’s not happening? Ask the guy to talk to her? Start your own FB war? It’s so Tempting to Seek Revenge Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.02/02/12

55. Have a face to face conversation or send one private email or FB message using SEAL: At the party last night, you yelled, “Slut” whenever I came into the room. I’m pretty confident that what you said was directed at me. But even if it wasn’t, it’s still wrong. And I know you are writing the same stuff on your FB wall. Obviously, I can’t control what you’re saying about me and I don’t expect to be friends with you but I have the right to hang out at parties at peace with you. Copyright 2010 RPW Inc. 02/02/12

56. Rules of Hooking Up No one has dibs on someone forever. That said: Guys: You are taking advantage of your friendship when you ask a friend if they like the person you want to hook up with because you know they have to say no. Women: Same goes for you except you can’t get mad if the girl says, “Yes, I mind.”

57. Rules of Hooking Up You can’t get away with hooking up behind someone’s back. There are no private hook-ups anymore. No excuses like: “It’s not my fault, he likes me better.” “I was drunk.” Don’t talk to other people about the reasons why OOI didn’t like the ex and/or likes you better. 02/02/12Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.

58. Rules of Hooking Up Don’t ditch friends or lie to go out with OOI. Under no circumstances are you within your rights to be completely obvious in front of the person. No gratuitous flirting like sitting on laps, being picked up and thrown around, and shrieking. If you have an unplanned hook up with a friend’s OOI, tell your friend within an hour or else they will find out from someone else. 02/02/12Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.

59. If you are the ex: It’s not weak to admit the position is uncomfortable. If you find out confront your friend and the ex with self-control and dignity. Remember to hold everyone responsible. You’re allowed to be upset but you don’t have the right to seek revenge.

60. Laying the Ground Work No one child or group of children gets to define bullying. No one gets to define someone else’s experience or speak for another. Acknowledge that bullying is a word that is not often taken seriously. Instead put it in a larger context. Ethical leadership, social competence. Having control over yourself in difficult situations. Eg. Ever lost your words?

61. Surveys I feel safe at my school. I feel that teachers care about me. I feel that teachers at my school really try to help me succeed. I feel that students at my school trust and respect the teachers. I feel that teachers at my school are fair to all the students. I feel that teachers at my school take bullying very seriously.

62. Strategies for school leadership: Any bullying program for students must include a faculty and parenting meeting that the students know about. People have been cruel and discriminatory forever. That fact doesn’t make it right. “Normal= common should not mean it is acceptable.”

63. Solutions for Resisting Reporting Clearly state the definition between reporting and snitching Acknowledge young people may have good reason to believe that going to adult will make the problem worse. But some doesn’t mean all. We are all not useless and clueless. Asking for help is a skill and capacity. Anonymous reporting procedures can be helpful through school internet. Awareity.

64. Response to target: The problem isn’t going away. Facing it gives some power over misery. Address group dynamics effectively. If meeting privately with the perpetrator: State exactly what was reported, what you expect as a person of honor, if the life of the target becomes more difficult as a result of this conversation, the s/he will face more severe consequences. Please go home and share with parents because I will be following up as well.

65. http://www.youthvoiceproject.comhttp://www.youthvoiceproject.com/ South Park “Kyle Has No Friends”and “Breast Cancer Show Ever” Pew Internet and American Life Project. School Climate 2.0 Justin Patchin and Sameer Hinduja, Corwin Press 2012 Who’s Doing Great Work?

66. Network Centrality, Gender Segregation, and Aggression, Robert Faris and Diane Felmlee, American Sociology Review February 2011 Social Networks and Aggression at the Wheatley School, Robert Faris and Diane Felmlee, Department of Sociology, University of California at Davis September 2011 Danah Boyd Reality is Broken: Why Games Makes Us Better and How They Can Change the World: Jane McGonigal, Penguin 2011 Justice: What’s the Right Thing to Do? Michael Sandel, Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, 2009

67. Want to Reach Me? Email : rosalind@rosalindwiseman.com Phone : 202.545.0633 Web : rosalindwiseman.com Facebook : Search “Rosalind Wiseman” and join my Page Twitter : www.twitter.com/rosalindwisemanwww.twitter.com/rosalindwiseman Special discount for Owning Up curricula! 25% off Researchpress.com Code D342