1. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Lesson Six The Low-Risk Approach to Relationships: Decide, Don’t Slide!

2. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Write response in notebook…

3. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Sliding vs. Deciding Many people “slide” into relationships The relationship progresses quickly before either person really knows much about the other. Rather than getting to know the other person and make conscious decisions based on knowledge- many just go with the flow and wake up to find themselves deep into a relationship.

4. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Taking off blindfolded down a hill is similar to getting involved with someone you don’t know very well. Problems and obstacles will start to arise- you are going to start hitting rocks and trees. Some rocks may be bigger than others and then it’s every man for themselves! It’s a lot like sledding, blindfolded…

5. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. LOW-COST CONSEQUENCES Different interests Values and goals not compatible Discover you don’t really like his or her personality The relationship feels complicated No freedom to experience other people Find you like someone else better Poor communication; you’re not able to talk and share freely Not so fun; not the kind of relationship you had imagined HIGH-COST CONSEQUENCES Don’t like the way he or she treats you Lied to; cheated on Feeling used Put down; controlled; disrespectful or abusive treatment Wanting to change your boyfriend/girlfriend Discover he/she has serious problems (drugs, alcohol) Getting an STD Getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant Raising a child alone

6. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.

7. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. AttractionSlideStart to Learn More Risks & Consequences Feelings of attraction and excitement. Want to spend free time with this person. Quickly become sexually involved, move in together etc. When you hardly know each other. Find you are not compatible; different values, interests, & goals. Discover problem behaviors. Many conflicts & poor communication Have a more complicated relationship than you thought Being cheated on, lied to, feeling used or betrayed Feeling Controlled Being abused Contracting a STD Pregnancy Raising a child alone Those “Love Chemicals” tend to grease the slide, making it easy to move too quickly.

8. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. AttractionLearn More about Each Other DiscussDecide Feelings of attraction and excitement. Want to spend free time with this person. Enjoy feelings but keep it causal. Make plans to do fun things limit time alone together. Talk to one another. Discover and share values, interests, & goals. How do you handle conflicts? Do you feel comfortable sharing thoughts & feelings? What are your expectations for this relationship? What are your goals for the future? Are you in-sync with your expectations, feelings, and values? Set your boundaries as a couple and sexually. Are your prepared to handle any consequences that may result?

9. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Attraction Learn More Discuss Actions & Consequences Decide Attraction Slide Learn More Risks…

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11. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Personal Advertising, Your Thoughts… (Write in Notebooks) List all the ways in which you advertise yourself. (In person and online) If I were to look at all these different methods of advertisement, what message would it send about who you are? What can I learn about you from these different ways of personal advertising?

12. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Personal Advertising We live in a digital age- at the click of a button you can meet and connect with people all across the world. Many people meet their significant other online, and start relationships with another before ever meeting them face- to-face. How you advertise yourself and what you want in person and online can have a huge impact on all your relationships.

13. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. How to “Really” Get to Know Someone 1.Complete About Me and Who I Find Attractive Worksheet. 2.Complete your Personal Ad. 1.About Me- briefly describe who you are without using any physical qualities. 2.Who I’d Like to Date- list the things you would look for in a girlfriend/boyfriend as well as the things that would be unacceptable to you. Focus on personal qualities not physical. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Personal Ad Activity

14. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Example Personal Ad Who I Am I am a young woman who is 18 years old. I have just graduated from high school, am a good student, and will be attending college in the fall. I’m not sure yet, but I think I plan to major in psychology. I like to play basketball, sing, and travel to new places. I also like to speak my mind and enjoy people who like to get out and do things. I am close to my mother and brother and have several close girlfriends. Most people say I am outgoing, strong, and like to argue and debate things.

15. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Example Personal Ad Who I’d Like to Date I would like to date someone who is going to college. He also needs to like playing sports, and he needs to give me a lot of space to spend time with my girlfriends. Any person I date needs to listen to what I have to say and not be afraid of arguing. I would like the person I date to be close to at least some of his family members. He must be someone who likes to try new things on the spur of the moment, and needs to accept that I change my mind a lot.

16. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.

17. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Handling Conflicts Skills for handling disagreements and general conflict are important for healthy relationships. Conflict can be positive- it can help us learn how to handle and grow from our differences. Conflict becomes a problem when it is not dealt with in a positive way.

18. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Communication Two common poor ways to communicate: Aggressiveness “You better do what I say or you’ll be sorry!” Avoidance “I don’t want to talk about it. I have to go now.”  Why are these two extremes not helpful in resolving conflict?  What are some reasons that being aggressive in relationships can cause problems?  What are some reasons that avoiding disagreements in a relationship can cause problems?

19. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Communication Summary We tend to put our best foot forward in a relationship- but how he/she behaves in the long run is much more important. Spending time together allows you to learn how that person communicates and handles conflict. If your communication/conflict skills are lacking you need to work on them.

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21. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Baggage Ever heard of “Emotional Baggage” What do you think it means? Normally we view baggage as negative. But there is good baggage also. No relationship begins with a clean slate- each person brings issues good and bad. By looking at your own baggage and working to strengthen what's good and change what is bad you can have healthier relationships.

22. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Baggage Learning about your partners baggage is important too. You cannot change or fix them- but you can encourage them to make changes for themselves. Don’t waste time trying to change someone- they have to want to make the change- you can’t force them!

23. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Baggage Look at the other person’s patterns, their past relationships & their family- you can learn a lot. Example: If a person has had a difficult time being loyal and has regularly cheated on a dating partner in the past, it is likely that they will do the same to you.

24. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Baggage Just because someone has bad baggage doesn’t mean that the relationship is doomed. It does create additional challenges. Some baggage can be bigger and more complicated than others. It is WISE to get to know someone before becoming to involved.

25. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Sorting Baggage Activity You have a stack of baggage cards. Working with your tablemates, read cards one by one. Sort your cards into categories- GoodBad Not Sure Discuss each card as a group and come to a consensus.

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27. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Getting to Know Someone Character & Conscience

28. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. What would you do? What would you do if a salesperson behind the counter in a store gave you five extra dollars by mistake? Pretend like you didn’t notice it and pocket the money? Let them know and give it back? Would it matter if the dollar amount were $2.00? $20.00? How would not returning the money affect the salesperson?

29. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Conscience & Character Conscience is that little voice inside telling you if something is right or wrong. People show character and a developed conscience when they do the right thing even if no one is watching; when they make wise and kind choices. We can’t really look inside to see someone’s conscience….but their behaviors and actions offer us a “window” into their conscience and character.

30. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Window of Conscience Worksheet Draw one thing that you would like to see in someone that you would date or spend a lot of time with. Draw one thing that would be disturbing to realize about someone you were dating. Use symbols and words.

31. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Example Windows Shows care and concern for others Steals from others Money Stolen from a Friend Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.

32. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Characteristics of a High Level of Conscience & Character Chooses to do the right thing even if no one is looking Honest even when lying seems like the easy way out Responsible even when it means putting off immediate pleasure Considerate of others’ feelings Fair—follows the rules even when cheating is an option Kind and giving towards others

33. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Decide, Don’t Slide! Taking the time to really get to know someone can help you make the right choice should you decide to get more serious with another person. The activities you have just completed focused on some important ways to “know” someone: Learning about a person’s personality, values and interests; Getting to know how he or she handles conflict when there is disagreement; Finding out how a person has handled past dating relationships and getting to know his or her current friends and family; Experiencing how a person treats you and other people in terms of kindness and honesty.