1. Joys and Challenges

2. Peter De Viers The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults

3. Joys Teaches us to love Teaches us to love Puts life in perspective Puts life in perspective Great fun Great fun Gives us a sense of pride and achievement Gives us a sense of pride and achievement Investment in/commitment to the Society in which we live Investment in/commitment to the Society in which we live

4. J.M. Barrie The laugh that children are born with lasts just as long as they have perfect faith The laugh that children are born with lasts just as long as they have perfect faith

5. Loving Children Loving children comes naturally Loving children comes naturally Value our child for who he/she is: Value our child for who he/she is: Avoid conformity and comparisons: Avoid conformity and comparisons: Allow our child to express who he/she is:. Allow our child to express who he/she is:. Look for and see the best in all our child does: Look for and see the best in all our child does:

6. Groucho Marx A child of five would understand this. Send somebody to fetch a child of five A child of five would understand this. Send somebody to fetch a child of five

7. Putting life in perspective Work / Home balance Work / Home balance Quality time versus quantity time Quality time versus quantity time Balancing the needs of different people Balancing the needs of different people Looking after ourselves Looking after ourselves Valuing the simple things Valuing the simple things

8. Muriel Spark Parents learn a lot from their children about coping with life Parents learn a lot from their children about coping with life

9. Great Fun Enjoying parenting Enjoying parenting Enjoying family life Enjoying family life Enjoying being a parent Enjoying being a parent

10. Ogden Nash Oh what a tangled web do parents weave/ when they think that their children are naïve. Oh what a tangled web do parents weave/ when they think that their children are naïve. If called by a panther don’t anther If called by a panther don’t anther You can have my jellyfish/I.m not sellyfish You can have my jellyfish/I.m not sellyfish The Lord in His wisdom made the fly / And then forgot to tell us why." The Lord in His wisdom made the fly / And then forgot to tell us why."

11. Pride and achievement We must respect the other fellow’s religion but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart We must respect the other fellow’s religion but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart Its no wonder that people were so horrible when they started life as children (Kingsley Amis) Its no wonder that people were so horrible when they started life as children (Kingsley Amis)

12. Investment in/commitment to the Society in which we live The founding fathers in their wisdom decided that children were an unnatural strain on parents. So they provided jails called schools, equipped with tortures called education. School is where you go between when your parents can’t take you and industry can’t take you (John Updike) The founding fathers in their wisdom decided that children were an unnatural strain on parents. So they provided jails called schools, equipped with tortures called education. School is where you go between when your parents can’t take you and industry can’t take you (John Updike)

13. Challenges Unhealthy parenting belief systems Unhealthy parenting belief systems Physical, psychological emotional problems Physical, psychological emotional problems Our child’s physical, psychological, emotional problems Our child’s physical, psychological, emotional problems Breakdown in the relationship Breakdown in the relationship

14. Peter De Vries There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you

15. Unhealthy parenting belief systems Detachment or Over-attachment: Detachment or Over-attachment: Fear of Failure: Fear of Failure: Negative views of a child: Negative views of a child: Inability to Cope: Inability to Cope: Feelings of Guilt: Feelings of Guilt: Why we decided to become a parent: Why we decided to become a parent: Our feelings about being a parent: Our feelings about being a parent: What we expect from ourselves as parents: What we expect from ourselves as parents: Lack of Confidence: Lack of Confidence: Our belief systems about our child: Our belief systems about our child: Our Experiences of being children: Our Experiences of being children: Our Experiences of being parents Our Experiences of being parents Societal beliefs about children Societal beliefs about children Lack of knowledge and skills: Lack of knowledge and skills: Lack of Supports Lack of Supports Self-Awareness: Self-Awareness:

16. Physical, psychological, emotional problems Self-Awareness: Self-Awareness: Self-Esteem: Self-Esteem: Developing Emotional Intelligence: Developing Emotional Intelligence: Changing Thinking: Changing Thinking: Changing Behaviour: Changing Behaviour: Clarifying and resolving our own attitudes to psychological and emotional problems Clarifying and resolving our own attitudes to psychological and emotional problems I should just “Pull myself together?. I should just “Pull myself together?. How will I live with the shame? How will I live with the shame? It is a result of my family background so what can I do about it: It is a result of my family background so what can I do about it:

17. Our child’s physical, psychological,emotional problems Self-Awareness: Self-Awareness: Self-Esteem: Self-Esteem: Developing Emotional Intelligence: Developing Emotional Intelligence: Changing Thinking: Changing Thinking: Changing Behaviour: Changing Behaviour: Clarifying and resolving our own attitudes to psychological and emotional problems Clarifying and resolving our own attitudes to psychological and emotional problems They should just “Pull themselves together?. They should just “Pull themselves together?. How will I live with the shame? How will I live with the shame? It is a result of their background so what can I do about it: It is a result of their background so what can I do about it:

18. Breakdown in the relationship Respect: Respect: Good Communication: Good Communication: Strong problem-solving skills: Strong problem-solving skills: Ability to deal with feelings: Ability to deal with feelings: Positive Discipline: Positive Discipline: Family Introspection and Awareness: Family Introspection and Awareness:

19. Is it different for people who have adopted a child Loss Loss Rejection Rejection Grief Grief Identity Identity Intimacy Intimacy Mastery/Control Mastery/Control Trust v mistrust Trust v mistrust Autonomy v Shame Autonomy v Shame Initiative v Guilt Initiative v Guilt Industry v Inferiority Industry v Inferiority Identity v Identity Diffusion Identity v Identity Diffusion Intimacy v Isolation Intimacy v Isolation Generativity v Self Absorption Generativity v Self Absorption Integrity v Despair Integrity v Despair

20. Irish Research 2008 study 180 children adopted from Romania, Russia, China, Vietnam, Ukraine average age of adoption 18 months 2008 study 180 children adopted from Romania, Russia, China, Vietnam, Ukraine average age of adoption 18 months ¼ persistent problems hyperactivity, distractability ¼ persistent problems hyperactivity, distractability 1 in 10 attachment problems 1 in 10 attachment problems ½ problems immediately after adoption feeding, sleeping, sensory problems ½ problems immediately after adoption feeding, sleeping, sensory problems Adopted after 18months, longer time in institutions more difficulties Adopted after 18months, longer time in institutions more difficulties Difficulties can be resolved with support Difficulties can be resolved with support

21. Reflections to finish An aware parent loves all children he or she meets and interacts with—for you are a caretaker for those moments in time. An aware parent loves all children he or she meets and interacts with—for you are a caretaker for those moments in time. My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. The character and history of each child may be a new and poetic experience to the parent, if he will let it. The character and history of each child may be a new and poetic experience to the parent, if he will let it.