1. 9 Things Every Spouse Should Know n What ignited your interest when you first met n The importance of looking into her eyes when listening n The importance of courtship after marriage n The simple intimacy of holding hands n Unexpected gifts can bring great pleasure n How to say “I’m Sorry” n The Value of a hug n The triggers that hurt feelings n That your spouse is priceless

2. Studies Show: Successful & healthy marriages grow together, sharing feelings, ideas & goals; the reverse happens in unhealthy marriages- where spouses avoid conversations for fear of confrontation

3. 1.Fight Tools Towards Intimacy

4. The only way to intimacy is through conflict

5. Is there unresolved conflict in your marriage that can be used as a bridge to intimacy? What’s stopping you from doing it?

6. Avoiding Explosive Patterns of Relating n Do I want to hurt or put this person down? n Do I want to win this person over? n Do I want to establish who’s right & who’s wrong? n Do I want to make this person feel guilty/bad? n Do I want to unload bad feelings from the past on this person?

7. 2.Create Safety 1.Fight Tools Towards Intimacy

8. The Issue of Safety: Relational Skills of warmth, empathy, genuineness Confidentiality Accurate information Prayer Listening beyond words Seek understanding Be motivated out of love Protect boundaries Be fully present

9. 2.Create Safety 1.Fight Tools Towards Intimacy 3.Play

10. Recreation & Companionship are Important to Both… n What is a “best friend?” n What attracted you to each other in the beginning? n What do you enjoy doing together? n How much time do you spend laughing together? n When is the last time you had a play date?

11. Creating Intimacy Through Play… n Do things together n Enter each other’s world n Be a safe person to the other n Create “benchmark times” (“check-in’s”)

12. 2.Create Safety 1.Fight Tools Towards Intimacy 3.Play 4.Value

13. 6 Steps to Helping Your Spouse Feel Special & Loved: n Let memories be your guide n Create traditions and special times n Don’t miss significant occasions n Be demonstrative with love (secure & appreciated spouses are rarely demanding) n Build up- don’t chip away your spouse (praise deficit) n Accept spouse for who he/she is not who you want them to be

14. 2.Create Safety 1.Fight Tools Towards Intimacy 3.Play 4.Value 5.Love

15. Ephesians 5: 21-28...And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife.

16. What does Christ’s love of the Church look like? n Died for her and makes her whole n Looks out for her growth & best interests n Provides resources for growth n Protects her from the world n Helps her to invest talents n Heals hurts n Takes her suffering on himself n Supports her in trials n Comes alongside her when she falls

17. In Order to Love (intimately) One Another You Must... Know each other’s heart… interests, passions, desires, hopes, fears, longings, dreams… Do You?

18. Husbands think for a moment…Do you know her favorite: n Vacation Place n Movie n Restaurant n TV Show n Kind of Novel n Way of Relaxing n Way of Working/Doing Tasks n Way of celebrating something special n Way of Receiving Love and Giving Love? n Way of Being Approached for Sex?

19. Wives- Do You Know: n His Favorite Food/Restaurant n How He Has Fun n What Makes Him Feel Good About Himself n How He Would Prefer to Spend Some Extra Money n How He Handles Stress n How He Feels Respect From You n When He Needs Your Help n How He Would Prefer Your Love Life

20. How can we love like Christ loves, mutually submit to each other, lead like Christ led, truly be united as one if we cannot answer simple questions about our spouse’s preferences in the little things… WE CAN’T- Get Behind Each Other’s Eyes to Really See the World as Your Spouse Does…Then We Can Better Love our Spouses as God Calls us to

21. Men: How Are You Doing at Loving Your Wife? n Have you left father & mother & bonded with her? n Do you see wife as one with you in every phase of life? n Are you loving as Christ loves the church? n Do you often sacrifice your own interests for your wife’s well-being? n Do you tell her you love her? n Do you talk about spiritual matters- pray often for her and with her?

22. Women: How Are You Doing at Loving Your Husband? n Have you left father & mother and formed identity with your husband? n Do you avoid using sex as a weapon to get your way? n Do you show respect for your husband in attitude & actions? n Do you do the little things that please him? n Do you see yourself as a spiritual companion- praying for and with your husband?

23. Men= Intimacy= S-E-X Women= Intimacy= T-A-L-K

24. Understand your husbands need for sexual intimacy: a husband... n Needs his wife to initiate sex n often struggles with feelings of inadequacy & failure n gets discouraged when a wife does not express passion for him n feels as if he is not important to his wife if she does not take time to make love to him n feels loved when his wife receives and responds to him sexually

25. When your husband’s need for sexual intimacy is not met... n he feels rejected as a person n he shuts down or goes away n he looks elsewhere to get his needs met

26. Understand your wife’s need for emotional intimacy: your wife... n Needs to experience emotional closeness n needs to feel listened to & understood n needs to feel as if she is your top account- valuable to you- a cut above n needs your undivided attention n needs you to demonstrate your respect for her as a person

27. When your wife’s need for sexual intimacy is not met... n She will withdraw n She will not feel free to respond to you sexually n She may look elsewhere to get her needs met

28. What can you do?

29. 2.Create Safety 1.Fight Tools Towards Intimacy 3.Play 4.Value 5.Love 6.Listen

30. How can does your spouse say “I love you?”

31. n Listen for the love language of the other… what is it? n Learn to understand the “foreign” language n Appreciate the language for it’s intent n Discuss the differences together

32. 2.Create Safety 1.Fight Tools Towards Intimacy 3.Play 4.Value 5.Love 6.Listen 7.Meet Needs

33. Why Should we Meet Needs? n It is a part of keeping vows n God calls us to do it (as a part of the special love we have for a spouse) n Results in a great marriage n By denying the other’s needs- it could cost you your marriage!

34. Top 5 Love Needs of womenMen n Unconditional Love & Acceptance n Emotional Intimacy & Communication (equals intimacy) n Spiritual Intimacy n Encouragement & Affirmation n Companionship n Unconditional Love & Acceptance n Sexual Intimacy (equals intimacy) n Companionship n Encouragement & Affirmation n Spiritual Intimacy

35. How Committed are you to Meeting your Spouse’s Needs? In the next 2 days- discuss your love needs with each other- what are the top 5? What can you do to better meet them?

36. What can you do? Get help if you need… see a marriage counselor… go to marriage retreats- seminars...

37. 2.Create Safety 1.Fight Tools Towards Intimacy 3.Play 4.Value 5.Love 6.Listen 7.Meet Needs