1. An Ounce of Prevention: Two Pounds of Cure
Recovering men talking to their boys:
about being a man
healthy sexuality
sex addiction
Vic Vines, MD
Jes Montgomery, MD
Deb Corley, PhD

2. Objectives
Demonstrate a process to help recovering men identify their own old and new views of being a “real man”
Review some things important for recovering men to know or think about as plan to talk to boys/girls about masculinity/femininity, sexuality, and being a best friend
Brainstorm how to implement in practice

3. Pressures to Act Like a “Real Man”
List the qualities of a “Real Man” as promoted for boys and men by popular culture…
What is the role of sex in this promotion?
What is the role of violence in this promotion?

4. Masculinity Messages: Active Addict’s Perspective
Promote and stand up for self
Talk about sex
Make jokes about sex
“No” means “maybe”
“No” not allowed for self / from others
High numbers of sexual partners = high level of masculinity (High # is expected)

5. Recovering Men & Values
What are the characteristics of a man who has a strong recovery?
What does it mean to be masculine?
What values do you now have (or want) as a result of being in recovery?

6. Masculinity Messages: Recovering Addict’s Perspective
Honest and worthy of trust (accountable, dependable, loyal, transparent)
Can identify and talk about feelings
Listens and doesn’t interrupt
Reflects and encourages, never shames
Willing to invest time in relationship
Is kind and patient
Is proud of values and seeks those with similar values as friends

7. Recovering Men & Values: Sons
When thinking about talking to a son about sexual behaviors, how do those values inform/impact the discussion?
Men working together can create meaningful dialogue in preparation for discussions with children

8. Recovering Men & Values: Sons
Clarify general values
Treating people with dignity
Respecting boundaries
Availability of accurate sexuality information
Importance of friendship first
Clarify own values about hot topics: BE PREPARED!
Masturbation, pornography, pre-marital sex, fidelity, honesty

9. Recovering Men & Values: Sons
Take advantage of teachable moments
Determine goal and message (let child’s mother/s know what you have in mind so both can take advantage of teachable moments)
Be an emotionally intelligent coach
Determine intervention when:
Rules are broken
Values not honored
Practice with peers! Then -- Just do it!

10. Sexual Information Source: Addict’s Perspective
Media
Computer, TV, movies, books, magazines, music, commercials
Friends
Surrogate parents
Parents
Message:
Sex is the ideal experience
Sex disconnected from relationships
Relationships should be passionate

11. Communication Works Children want to know your values
Facts are not enough
Utilize “teachable” moments
Reward questions
Be truthful – actions speak louder than words
I don’t know…I made a mistake.
This is hard for me…I am uncomfortable.
Clarify private vs. secret
Listen (repeat, repeat, summarize)
Practice – use age appropriate concepts

12. Sexually Healthy Families
Parents
Consider sexuality education a important as all other types of value based education
Are “askable”
Utilize “teachable moments” rather than waiting for child to ask
Are aware that actions speak louder than words
Know the difference between childhood and adult sexuality

13. Sexually Healthy Families
Children
Feel good about their bodies
Understand concept of privacy
Are prepared for puberty
Feel comfortable asking parents questions
Can set and respect boundaries
Can make age appropriate decisions

14. Healthy Sexuality HS is consensual
both partners want the same things without feeling pressured
Both people are old enough to be having sex
How old is that?
What is legal/illegal?
Sexual intercourse (OVA) is a high-risk behavior best postponed until … (add your value here) or older, but you may disagree

15. Healthy Sexuality 2 First sex should be with a best friend
Best friends can talk openly about wants or boundaries
Best friends can see each other without embarrassment
If can’t do that you’re probably not old enough to engage in penetrative sex of any type.

16. “Doing it, having sex, hooking up”:
Healthy Sexuality 3
“Doing it, having sex, hooking up”:
too vague to agree upon
Partners – must talk in direct language about what:
they want to do
they expect to do
don’t want to do
It helps ensure consent.
Oral sex is “real sex’ with +/- consequences
Anal sex is always higher risk for both genders. It should only be practiced with caution, care, consent, condoms, and lubricant.

17. Healthy Sexuality 4
If you are having sex with multiple partners, you should be tested for HIV/STI every 6 months
Taking protective steps for all involved, sex can / should be a:
Fun
Lighthearted
Caring
Bonding experience

18. Brainstorm Topics Need to Discuss
Honesty & being trustworthy
Friendships – Connecting with others
Commitment
Why people have sex / other fun stuff to do besides intercourse
What is great sex? (See Michael Castleman’s book “Great Sex”)
Masturbation
Pornography

19. Masturbation & Pornography
Age appropriate: some do, some don’t
Importance of privacy
Celebration / exploration vs. primary coping mechanism
Pornography
Objectification vs. relating to real person
Fears of relating to real people
Healthy non shame-based or objectified fantasy
50% had seen explicit porn before age 8
All had viewed explicit porn by age 14

20. Tender Respectful Sexual Unfolding
Gay-Straight and In-between
What do you know?
What have you heard?
What do you think?
Value: Respect of others
Safe ways to explore, find self love & respect

21. Tender Respectful Sexual Unfolding
Coming Out To My Children
Come from your proud, strong gay/bi self
Don’t wait for someone else to tell
Start conversations when kids are young
Inform, don’t confess
Assurance your relationship won’t change
Be ready for questions

22. Dating Violence – Never OK
Share the facts and your fears
Tell them what you see and ask how they feel about it
Remind teen that:
she/he is worthy
healthy relationship – mutual respect and caring
Be open to talk about:
whether the relationship should continue
their fears about getting out of the relationship
suggest ways you can help – and intervene if necessary
Agree on safeguards/limits

23. Five Components of Emotional IQ
Ability to recognize a feeling when it happens
Can tolerate emotional distress
Motivate self to delay gratification and stifle impulses
Recognize emotional states of others (empathy)
Respond rather than react to the emotional states of others
This requires the parent to be a
good emotional coach!

24. Five Steps of Emotional Coaching
Be aware of child’s emotion
Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy (nurturing) and teaching (guidance)
Listening with empathy and verify the child’s feelings
Help the child verbally label the feeling(s)
Setting limits (protection, structure) while helping the child problem solve
Gottman, 1997

25. Other Help for Emotional Coaching
Avoid excessive criticism, using contempt through body language or stonewalling
Small steps lead to larger steps, praise along the way (scaffolding)
Start where child is emotionally, not where you want them to be
Empower the child through giving choices and teach how and when to do systematic decision making
Understand your power and how much the child wants to please you
Gottman, 1997

26. When NOT to use Emotional Coaching
When too pressed for time
When you have an audience
When you are too upset or tired
Need to address serious misbehavior
When child is faking an emotion to manipulate you

27. Some Model Prevention Programs
Model programs aimed at boys
BAM (Boys Advocacy & Mentoring)
teaching awareness of social pressure
increase sense of belonging
improve friendship & EQ skills
Mentors in Violence Prevention
College Athletic programs that advocate for resolving differences differently

28. Model Prevention Programs